I'm just saying!!

It's an unwritten rule ...somewhere, that when it's time for a girls nite out...better known as G.N.O. that you have to leave your drama at home!

I adhere to this rule as so do most of my girlpals, but once in a while there's some chics who did not get the memo!

My good friend M, has this Naija-Akata pal who was celebrating her birthday.(she's naija but came here in her teens so she's very akata in her mannerisms).

What M never told me was that she and her pal have a love-hate relationship.

Apparently, they are always fighting over some mess or other.

One time it was because Miss Naija was feeling ignored coz M has to go to school and work two-jobs and is not finding time to hang out with her.
Meanwhile, she- Miss Naija is in school and working and involved in some mess with a married man
...who is separated from his wife- (though they still live together). Oh, and the best part is the wife is now a lesbian or something so the guy swears that there's not sex going on.
He doesn't want to kick her out coz she's the mother to his kids and apparently can't support herself- something to do with her not working or not having money...

yes i know i lost half of y'all already...

Okay, back to the tale at hand then...

So i was set to go when she told me about this ...about 3 weeks back or something like that....but as the days drew nigh, i was just feeling really out of it. When i got off work yesterday, it was such a crummy day not to mentioned it rained when my trusted weatherman had promised me sun and 52 degrees...it's was a balmy 37!!

M calls on my drive home and i tell her i may not be able to make it- I'm tired and just wanna relax. I get home, pour myself a glass of wine and unwind with a good book. After 2hours, the drink hit the right spot. I called M and was like "why not...lets go!"

apparently,we were suppose to meet at 7.30pm, i was still in the house at 7.45pm so by the time we met at the hotel parking lot, people had gathered attitude. It was mighty frosty!!

So M and i sat in the back while Miss Naija and her Akata female friend -T, sat in front. M and i were busy in our chat-about, when Miss Naija turns around and says "I think it's rude that your guys are sitting back there, talking in your language and not involving us in your conversation."
I looked at M like "WTH??!!" So M turns and tells her that we are talking in english and besides the radio is too loud, so we would be shouting to get heard.

The frostiness continues...
...M and i talk for a while after that...minimal talk...coz you know our ignant asses might revoke back to talking swa...lol!!

After an uncomfortable 45minutes, we finally make it to Philly. We head off to some jazz spot, get our drinks(which were awful and for the price they were going for, they outta shut-down!!)
So it's a real akata spot ya know...i felt very Suzy John place in the middle of da hood. (Okay my ass was terrified being with soo many akatas at one go!!). After all this is killa...i mean Philadelphia- about to break that 400 mark in senseless murders before the year ends!!

*shudders*

The spot is not bad. It's real down-home, soul-food joint and all. But the air was musty- every now and again, a whiff of collard greens was evident!

M, being the miss drama that she, turns to Miss Naija and they go at it...yes they did...acting all negro and junk!!
I turned and started concentrating h.a.r.d on what was going on on the tube and so did the akata chic sitting next to me.
They bickered for about 10 minutes, till the cornbread came and broke-up the fight.

The dinner was icy, luckily some jazz dude was singing so we didn't have to bother with small-talk.

After we were, done M and T go to the bathroom and they were gone for a long time!! So i turn to Miss Niaja and ask "Are they still in the bathroom?" she shrugs and says "Probably, i dunno." We sat there for 15 minutes.
I got fed up and went to the ladies to look them. They weren't there.
When i went back table, they had come back.
So Miss Naij and T excuse themselves and go to the ladies...again. I turn to M and ask "Ok, where were you?" M replies "Oh, me and T had to got air out our differences outside."
Yes my jaw dropped!!
"What?!!"
"Uh-huh, i told her that she's been acting fresh towards me all night and being rude to you and so we had to take it outside!"

I was stunned. I knew M was a drama-queen, but this was extreme!! I mean i love drama as much as the next chic, but c'mon man!!! There's a time and place for all that mess to go down...not when we are an hour from home and without a way of getting back!!

They come back to the table, we pay and leave.

We decide to check out the club scene. Which after a few tries of trying to get street parking, we ended up having to go to those garages that charge $7 an hour! I made a quick mental note :I'm too grown for this mess!!

T's man apparently used to live in Philly. But because he was not coming out with his gal, he decided not to tell her all the nice spots we can go hang out. We had to result to bar-hoping. Just because his ass is jealous, insecure and hateful... that frigging' idiot!!!

Take a moment and inhale!!

So we get inside and M, Miss Naija and myself are dancing...T sits down, puts her face is her hands and looks bored. This white guy came to dance with us and when he saw her sitting down, he made it his aim to make her stand up and dance.
Man, you should have seen the frown on her face...made her look like something alien!! She completely refused to budge, the guy gave up (and for a white man to do that , you know he had tried!!)
I swear i wanted to slap the life outta her!!
Okay, what the hell is wrong with her?! Who the hell is she perioding for?!! If she didn't want to come out, why is she here?!! UGH!!
So i decided to ignore her and have fun till it was time to come home.

*sighing*

M calls me today morning to talk about last night. I told her that that was the first and last time I'm doing any akata mama a rave favor. I already have enough drama in my life that involves mamaz. I'm not trying to start more fires and especially with them akataz.
I can't! I can't!

5 tips for the modern woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


And a Merry Christmas to all!!

Where to begin

After a weekend of debauchery, i just needed to come & cleanse.
I came across a fellow ex-blogger (i'm not telling-okay Kaggz!) since she already outted me in Aco's blog) but they used to rub people the wrong way.

So my hopes of staying sober were dashed, i wasn't pissy drunk, just slightly tilted.
I was also on my best behavior coz i was impressing some guy *sigh*. He turned out to be a let down (no he didn't pass out and have me carry his ass out) he started getting difficult on me (ati him & his mama got back together recently so he's feeling guilty laying next to me). I was like "nigga pliz!!"
I left him at the next stop sign & got my groove on elsewhere.
He later apologized & expressed regret... as if i cared at that point. Ugh!

Meanwhile, i need funds to buy a new laptop, i can't stand blogging on the phone! I'm currently accepting monies or a new/used laptop. Thanx.

Awww men!!

I need to blog...seriously!! I got pent-up issues that i need to vent and release.

That damn facebook has me addicted!!!

I gots drama up the wazoo....

Watch this space...

Hold it!!

Normal Blogging will ressume as soon as i:

1) Finish my stint in rehab,

2) Give the last rose to the final 2 contestants.

3) Get my Halloween goodies...I will be trick or treating in a neighborhood near you!!

4) When daylight savings end...i'm still owed an hour of sleep ya know (oh wait, i will be on the rave on the 3rd...yay! I see my $5 entrance fee will get me an extra hour of mwenjoyoz...smh!!

Juggling act

I still insist that i'm drinking one less drink everyday...

Before Udi and Acolyte revoke my Playa Pass...I still got game...(or so i think!)

One of the guys i was "talking" to got mad at me coz he apparently felt like i was not reciprocating affections the way he wanted (ati i was not showing ma excitoz of wanting to see him).
So, he stopped calling me...can you believe this ninja?!!
Two weeks later, he calls me and explains...or rather justifies the reason he went all Cold-war on me. I thot there could have been something there, but that coward move he pulled just put me off completely. And yes i told him that.

He still insists that he pendaz me and would like to see where our relationship can go...*blowing rasberries*


Now the other one...why lie Kels is swooning big time!!

I really penda him and i even told him that...no, not the 3-words. I have told him that i like me- always had. He pendaz me too and he has told me so(so i'm not assuming here!).
Why are we not exclusive?! Well, he lives kinda far from me- errm i mean a few states over. I have never done a long-distance relationship...ever!! He is not to crazy with the distance too.

One of my gal pals thinks that i should give it a try...dunno though.

*heavy exhale*

That aside, It's October (duh)and my birthday is next week....yay!! Another reason to drink!!!

In Other News

I need to quit drinking.

No, seriously, i need to. I can't be nursing hangies every sato...something's gotta give...like me giving up panic buying liqour after that last call for alcohol is made...just being plain greedy!!

I'm trying to salvage my relationship(s).
One guy is willing to talk, the other i don't care if he talks and the last one, is still talking(but i ain't listening).

Oh well...

Oh and t.v rocks...but i'm not that sober to realize. Come 7pm, i'm loosey goosey but gosh darnnit!! I'm done stocking my mini-fridge with wine and yogurt!!!

And....Soulo of Capital Fm still sucks!!!! Gosh, an un-monkey could do his job!!!
But i love me some Eve D' souza though. She rocks!!!

I gotta go look for food, this yogurt ain't holding off hunger like i expected!!

It's Official

Like a ref with a whistle...

I'm done with the 3 way dance!!

I am tired, exhausted, upset and everything in between.

First off, i am not built for more than one man at a time. So clearly i was under the influence of some drug or something when i opted for 3 guys.

It's just too much work man!!

How do men maintain all their stories strait and still get out to meet more mamaz??

Anyway, i'm back to waving the "One man woman." flag...


In other news, Facebook is the devil of the web...i'm addicted!! That's why my baby(blog) has been neglected.

Oh and i watched the movie "Eastern Promises". Nice!! I would recommend it.

Haya

So far... i'm juggling 3 jamaaz.

Don't give me that look?!

C'mon, men always do that to us All the time. So, why not...umm.... return the favor??!!

Gosh, this is hard work!! Sometimes they are all blowing my phone withing seconds of each other.

I guess it would be a bit too late to be asking for a simple quiet life eh?!

Oh well, fear not, i trot on with confidence!!

*whimpering* someone pray for me!!!

Okay

so i'm still trying to recover from last night.

The last time i was this tore-up was 2 years ago when i was out in Cali for a 2week vacation... passed out in the shower, but i ain't telling.

So, i'm home for a few days. Not zamunda... i used to be a southern gal... once upon a time.
So down south is home...yes i know i made fun of down south people to one guy...but it's all love. I'm a full yank now so whaddaya expect??!!!

while i lay here in bed and try to recover. How much drama did i see at a kenyan after-party??!! I swear kenyans are the ish!!!

This jamaa was vibing some chic and then this other mama who was trying to nyundo-block yells out, "I fucked that guy!!"
How glad was i to see the melee??!!! Security got called, it was wild man!!

Yaani i slept in my rave clothes...i was that busted!!

Oh well!!

Enjoy the Labor Day folks!!!

Don't be an Hindiot!!

In the wise words of Mocha the following people qualify for the DBAH Awards:

1) Any person who has been in stato for more than 5 minutes already knows that when going to a jungu/akata rave, there's a dress code that's strictly enforced.
So how one of my pals ended up wearing sneakers and a baseball cap knowing exactly where we were going is beyond me. So you can imagine we got frozen to get in.

How pissed was i??

And nothing makes me more mad than dressing up to the nines and not getting to show off. He is yet to get in touch with me and i will rip him a new one when he ever does. Oh and did i happen to mention that it's same dude who stood me up for the movie...so you know his three strikes are up and his ass is out!!!

2) Those dudes who do the Chit-Chat show with Eve D'souza.
Is it Solo & Alex or something of that order?
My goodness, what a block of dumb bricks these dudes are...WTH?!!

There was this chic who had emailed to say that her mano kissed some other chic in the rave and when she confronted her mano he had the gall to say that he was drunk. It's like he tripped and fell on some foreign lips.

Those numb-skulls were talking as if it's not a big deal, ati there different kinds of kisses, so the dude may have been consoling/ greeting a chic he hasn't seen in along while.
WTF?!!
Do they actually getting paid?! They should be the poster-children of the importance of kids staying in school.

I wish Eve would have duct-tape with her and just tape their mouths shut till they have something clever to say.

3)Some guy who was trying to katia me (and he has a mama). I dismissed his storoz. Not just because he had a mama, but also the fact that he's one fat-ass guy who drinks too much and smokes way too much.

Complete turn-off!!

*retching*

He moved out of state a while back and apparently he's coming back for some funky with his famo.
He sends me a text at 4am to tell him that he will be in town and we should do lunch.
WTH??!! 4-in-the-friggin'-morning!!
It's not like he moved to Hawaii where i can forgive him for send me a text that late.And even that is still not an excuse.
Anyway, i'm busy wall-staring and refusing to eat(tis still for losers ya know!!)

More arguments for staying single

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No!!!"

...and she lived happily ever after.

She went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

In other news

- I watched Rush Hour-3.
Loews owes me $7.50!
Only the bloopers at the end of the movie were $2 funny. The rest of it was b-r-u-t-a-l!!!

- What the hell is the point of wearing a thong if all i'm going to be doing is keep fishing it out of the crack of my ass every 30 minutes?! Someone buy me some granny panties!!

- A pal of mine was telling me that some chic was asking about me after she saw me on some pics we took together in his camera. Ati she had the nerve to say that i have intense looks!
How dare she?!
Kwani i don't know that?!!
Was that was a back-handed comment?

- So i wanted to write about some blogger characters.
Now i don't know any of these people personally, but from how they write i sorta get their gist.

Disclaimer:
Now this is all done in good fun.
Please don't throw me under the bus after this.

Acolyte:
He does come off as misogynistic. Sorry Aco. He is the kind of dude who when you show up for some loving, will have you sign a letter a consent with the following stipulations
No scuba diving
No watching Porno
No grabbing his ass at any given time
No screaming or moaning
And when you're done please leave immediately (no apple juice or a warm rag for ya).

Udi:
The complete opposite of Acolyte.
Udi loves him some mamaz.
He is actually the kind of dude who is willing to do whatever to a mama to scream his name backwards.
Don't be surprised to see a little drool on the side of his mouth- he's just happy!
He will have you naked in under a second the minute you step into the room.i
During the romp he may lick your face several times repeating: Aki wewe ni mtamu!!

MsaniiXL:
He is large and in charge.
Actually he will make the mama feel very at home in the bedroom.
He will take off your clothes slowly and even offer to fold them one by one and stack them neatly on the seat next to bed.
He is abit weird.
He will turn away from you to take off his clothes, repeating the same routine of folding and stacking.
When he's done, he straitens up his back- and like a horror movie- when he turns around, Giiiirrrrlll get ready to get mauled!!
There's no mercy whatsoever.

>d:

Between the love making, be ready for him to say eureka! and run off to write some mathematical formula that just dawned on him. But he is such a sweetheart, he will offer you a snack after y'all are done.

So now

This dude, who from now on shall go by the name cousin-lover, CL kwa ufupi, has become three-much.

So he's been calling me consistently since Saturday.
So i had to ask him what the deal be. Kwanini kanitafuta hivi?
Then he says that i intrigue him.
He finds me interesting- eti yuataka kunijua. So now i feel like i'm in a petri-dish under a microscope.

Oh plus he says that he's looking for love.
Okay, do i look like the friggin' yellow pages to ya?!

I told him that because of his past affair with family, i am not willing to even think of anything happening between us- except be casual friends (and i mean c-a-s-u-a-l)because it would be betrayal of the highest order.
Plus i ain't no fool. You used to smash that (my cuz) and he thinks that ama break him off a lil' sumthin'...ninja please!!

Last thing i need is some dude going like: Yeah son, i had her and her cousin too.
His homeboy,"Dang son, you is the man!! Oh is that how they get down? Hook me up kid."

Hell-to-the-naw!!

He quickly changes topics and says that he wants to see me this weekend.

Oh hell no!

I got plans- whether it's the rave or just staring at the walls in the crib- i'm busy!!
He wants to come see me or i go see him. Of which we argued for about 30minutes. He wanted a reason why i was refusing to invite him.

Please, i'm going to see a dude who's not my man plus, i barely know him for a whole friggin' weekend?!
I did not fall off the turnip-truck this morning.

I don't do long distance relationships. If you don't leave close enuff for me to perform a swoop-down on ya ass at any given time, then forget it.

Great! Now i'm having a headache.

Ohh and my stalker has resumed regular programming. Had lengad his texts over the weekend in the hopes that he will get the hint- coz clearly me telling him that it's never ever going to work out over and over again ain't working.
I received a long email yesterday asking why i am refusing correspondence.

Sijui niseme.

Mo' drama

Y'all should know by now that when i go quiet, it means there's some drama a brew.

Where do i begin??!!!

Remember the dude who i told you had a love jones for me(turns out to be the same dude who stood me up for our movie thingi?) I was talking about him to a guy pal of mine who came to the conclusion that the dude is stalking me.

Which, is slightly true coz the guy is relentless in pursuing me to the point where i do get a weeee bit worried.
But that's a story for another blog...

So, here's the 'T' for now:

There's this guy who used to mess with a cousin of mine a while back. Things never worked out for them. But she was deep in love with him and he...well, he had issues coz he had a mama at the time and it was complicated.

When i finally got around to meet him, i had heard so much about him that i hated him on site!! He didn't like me either so, it was all good.

Fast forward a few years later, we ran into each other. We exchanged pleasantries and caught-up with each others lives.
Then we exchanged numbers, of course i wasn't expecting him to ever get i touch with me.

But he did!

We talk, casual talk, nothing serious.

He called me up a few days ago to tell me that he will in my neck of the woods and we should hook up.

No big deal.

Just for back-up i brought one of my gal-pals...

We met at the rave hanged out and had a good time.

So when he's walking us to the car, my pal who is so high is loudly saying that me and this guy should hook-up.

"Kels i swear this is the man for you, gal!! Stop looking. He's the one."

"Oh hell no. Uh-uh."

"No, you should." she's still insisting.

"Gal, it's very complicated."

Then he jumps in and said. "Yeah it's complicated."

Then i broke away from the group to go get the car and left them two talking.

When i got to the car, he comes running leaving my pal to fend for herself(at 4 am i may add). I'm sitting on the driver side and he knocks on the window.

Window rolls down.

"Yaani you just gonna leave like that, bila goodbye?"
"Si i see your working your charm on my pal. I ain't trying to nyundo-block for nobody."
"Ahhh it ain't like that."
Then he quickly changes the topic.

"So am i getting my goodnight kiss?"

I tell you, men are amazing!!
Did he fall down, bump his head and forget that he was involved with family?!

"Nah. I can't do that man."

"Okay. Can i kiss you on the cheek?"

So i turn my face so that he can kiss my cheek. Kiss on the cheek. Then he grabs my chin and tries to aim for my lips... i move back.

"Weee, ebu relax man. Don't start something you can't handle."
He breathlessly replies: "Si i wanna french kiss you."

I roared in laughter. "Trust me, you don't want to go down that road with me."

Thankfully, my pal reached the car and got in.
All the while he still trying to whisper some mess in my ear.

"Aight, we gotta go. You drive back safe. Sawa?"
Nonchalantly he replies. "Sawa. I'll call you."

Mutters under his breath. Walks away from the car.

He calls me an hour later, ati he wants to come to my place.

I laughed.

(I guess the call of the wild was on-lol!)

Told his horny ass to go sleep.

While driving back, i told my pal the down-low with him.

Oy! This just keeps getting interesting...

Jason's Lyrics

I watched Bourne Last night and i must say it was good. I like the knuckle fight scene with the assassin in Tangier and the Manhattan car chase was off-the-chain!! I couldn't help though but wonder what was missing. You know it's like when you make stew, you taste it, you smack your lips and say:
"Something's missing..."

That's how i felt when the movie was over. Maybe it's just me...i dunno.

So my movie date stood me up... Ebu someone gasp!!

Here's the deal. I called him up and we made plans for 7:30pm. This was around 5:45pm or so. So i finish my grocery shopping then went home to spruce up.
(oh did i mention that some Naija dude approached me while i was putting my groceries in the car and told that he wants to speak with me?! What a creep!! In this day and age of kidnappings, last thing i need is some dude stepping up to me near my own car.)

But i digress...

I get to the theater around 7pm. Then the guy calls me 10 minutes before the movie starts and asks me where i am? ALA?!! What's he smokin'?!
I'm like: I'm at the movies. You on the way?
Then he proceeds to tell me that we should catch the 8pm movie coz he suddenly discovered that he has a flat tire.

I'm like dude, why didn't you tell me earlier? We could have rescheduled?!

Then he starts to explain himself. At this point i really can't hear a damn thing coz i'm soooooooooooo freaking livid i can't see strait!!

I told not to even bother showing up and hang-up (okay i has someone on hold on the other line).
I went up to the counter, paid and went in.
Lucky, while i was on the line, i spotted a chic i know that i hadn't seen in years. So we chatted for a bit and decided to be each other's date...phew!! I did tell her about my no-show of a date and she felt sympathetic.
That nucca or rather ninja(thanx XL) better be glad that i love Matt Damon. He soothed me...a bit.

By the time i turned my phone back on after the show. I had 6 messages and 3 voice mails...from the dude. He was apologising and trying make it up to me.

Not to worry, his punishment has been secured.

It will be short and very severe!!

Tube Review

Now that summer tv is about to end, boy am i glad!! 7 weeks and counting...

Here's a quick review:

I have been running my Public Television Station rugged!! And as a result, become a fan of "Last of the Summer Wine"

Someone in need of a serious beatdown: Chris Hansen.
Okay, so it was fun watching him catch online predetors. Now it's just done right annoying!!
He has become a one man-sting opertation. He's off in China cathing people selling fake drugs and running all over the country trying to nab i-pod thieves!! Chris, you just asking to get punched in the face at this point!!

And speaking of Dateline, how dare they get rid of Stone Phillips?! Wasn't he the line in Dateline?!! That Ann Curry needs a shot of personality...what a bore!!

Tyra's moving her show to the City(as if that will help!) Guess she has clearly run out of ideas in L.A. And why is she always trying to remind us that she was once a supermodel every chance she gets?!! Why is still on tv?!! I guess to show us that Beyonce ain't the only one weaving lace-fronts.

The View has hired Whoopi as one of it's host- YAWN!!!
I stopped watching the show after Star was mercilessly axed out. Not because of the fact that she was the only black lady on the panel, but Star was the 'view" to View. Drama up the wazoo!!
First, she was soooo damn fat, then went under the knife and lost a ton of weight, then started blinding us with her humongous ring from her very queenie fiance, followed by all the hoopla about her nuptuals...(and you know ain't no ounce of strait in that man she calls a husband!!)Oh! What was not to love about her!!...I was sopping it all up like a biscuit!!!

Fx's new show Damages is to die for. I love it!! I am hooked. Until they change the writers and the cast. Then, i jump ship.

All reality shows at this point need to be lined up and shot one by one. Can you believe Big Brother is still on! I mean, what point is it on by now, Big Bro 150?! Ugh!!

Tagged

1)WE HAVE TO POST THESE RULES BEFORE WE GIVE YOU THE FACTS.

2)PLAYERS START WITH 8 RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT THEMSELVES.

3)PEOPLE WHO ARE TAGGED NEED TO WRITE THEIR OWN BLOG AND THEIR 8 THINGS AND POST THESE.

4) AT THE END OF YOUR BLOG POST, YOU NEED TO CHOOSE 8 PEOPLE TO GET TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES

5)DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TELLING THEM THEY ARE TAGGED, AND TO READ YOUR BLOG.

Here goes:

1) I am all about creams and emollients but mine has slowly become more of an obsession with skin care. At any given time i will have a minimum of 3 body washes and body scrubs and about 4 body lotions, oils and creams. All of which i do use(depending on my mood). I will not get caught out there with ashy skin!!

2)I love solitude. After going a night out with pals, the next few days i just want to be left alone. I want to detox from all of their energies(explains why i rarely go out with co-workers). I don't understand when peole say that they can't stand to be by themselves and need people around all the time. Blah!!

3) I sleep on two pillows. I read in some mag that sleeping with your head elevated drains fluids from your face and helps prevent waking up to a puffy look esp after a rough night of drinking.

4) To perk up my mood when at home,i play dress up. I break-out my 6 inch heels, a tight dress,put on some tunes and walk around the house doing light chores...or dance in front of the mirror- all the while sipping a little bit of wine. It makes me feel sexy.

5)I love Football(no not soccer). Most guys find it weird that i can have sports talk with them...duh?!! Some of us are not all about barbies and hair weaves, ya know!!

6)I can't stand people who drag their feet!! If we are supposed to be somewhere at a certain time and i'm suppose to come pick you up, please be ready.
Do not call me when i'm 10 minutes away, telling me that you still can't figure out what to wear or haven't showered. I will fight you!!

7)I love tea. I may not be of the western persuasion, but i dig me some tea!! Even with the heat wave going on, i will have a cup just for the sake of it.

8)I don't set time ahead. I don't know how those people who do it survive! I always feel like i'm cheating myself. If i have to be somewhere early then. i will leave early. Having my watch read 15 minutes ahead of the actual time throws me in a panic. I just can't do it.

So there's my weirdiosity in a nut-shell.

Dunno who to tag though. If you feel inspired please, feel free...

Throw back

Now, i know that i shouldn't have been reading Udi's post on '90s music coz it caused me to go surfing for dem 'oldies'.

I came across the following guy groups.

Granted, they may be a little rough to look at for long periods of time, but nothing a brown paper bag can't fix eh?!

ENJOY!!!

Randomness

You know it was a matter of time before a manhole exploded in the city and someone ending up dead... and it finally did!
I am not suprised. Those city manholes and grills over the subway lines are just a death trap waiting to get sprung!

Anyway back to regular programming:

To Catch-a- Predator is back in full swing. I laughed when i saw one of the men caught asking when he was going to be on tv. I guess so that his peeps can check him out- hilarious!

I don't know what to make of Victoria Beckham and her new show.
She doesn't appeal to me regardless!!
Now don't get me wrong, i do love all things British like tea and whatnot.
The thing is isn't she abit tooo old to be looking for the limelight?!
Americans will never embrace Soccer- sorry. We love our timeouts after every 5 minutes of play. And if we want a loooooooooooooooong boring sport, we got baseball.
And i don't care how hot Dave Becks is, he will never replace my Tom Brady....Gooooo Pats!!!
The only way she could win me over is if she was in a sex tape with R.Kelly peeing on her.

Shemar Moore(Movie buff may need to cover her eyes!!)was sported on a gay beach swimming in the buff- not that there is anything wrong with that. It's just that i thot that a man of his stature, he would be packing...alas!! I was sooooooooo disappointed!!
Now the gays can have him for sure...

In other news i am holding auditions for Kels Next Main Squeeze.
Please send in your applications and a quick essay outlining why i should choose you.
This only applies to:
Men only- (i ain't no lesbo...)
Single- (in every sense of the word)
Ages 27-35
With a job and...
a crib(living with your mama don't count).

I am an equally opportunity employer.

Good luck!!

Anyway...

I tell you, holidays do a number on your body esp after crossing over the age of 25 years.
I'm as a tired as runaway slave despite having my freedom papers from massa.

I finally, finally got around to watching a movie i have heard alot of people talk about:

Baby Boy.


Shut up, i know what your thinking... and yes i watched it...
on VHS...
TAKE THAT DVD PLAYER!!!

Half-way thru, i got bored. What was the big fuss about it??

It was just another version of Friday.

And what sex scenes are they talking about?!!Please, i have seen more action on Sesame Street than what they had going on.

Was i watching the same movie Nonini talks about?

So one down, a few more to go. Someone told me Scarface is a good movie. Anybody got it on VHS?!! Mmh...?!!

ugh!

Someone pass me a brown paper bag...i'm hyperventilating!! I stepped on the scale this morning and i've gained 2 lbs!!! WTH?!! That's it. I'm done eating. It's for losers anyway

But for real, i need those two pounds(plus 2 more if i can help it) off coz i'm wearing spandex in about 5 days and how unforgiving is that mess of a material??!! Oh and did i mention that it's white?!!
I don't have bulges or anything like that-coz i've been punishing my exercise mat to the fullest- It's just that having alighted from the fat train recently, i'm still getting used to the new bod. Oh and while passing the paper bag, i also need a number to a good shrink...

Speaking of someone in need of spanks. My sister bumped into Caroline Mutoko the other day and...it was nasty (Carol and her fat ugly-fat-ass).
Carol was very rude to her and her friend when they extended greetings to her.
Now, i've always like Carol from her days in Capital. I have heard though that since moving to Kiss she has gained notoriety by being rude and obnoxious.
And i say to that: Well, if i was banging my boss so that i can earn more money than everyone on my floor (and their spouses)combined and also get away with bad-mouthing people on air, hell yeah i would be rude and obnoxious too.
My sis did also mention that Carol has put on a ton of weight and to that i say: Well, if all i do is sit on my fat ass all day and after that be laying on my back, hell yeah you won't look like Naomi Campbell!!

So instead of her trying to lose weight(coz i hear that is her forte nowadays). My advice to her is: Carol, hook yourself up with some spandex gal!! Don't let that ass continue to giggle even when you've already sat down!!Oh and pushing away from the table wouldn't hurt either. Be it the dinner table or... the boss's table(Oh wait, you may need to stay right there under his table or on it. Gotta pay for all that mouthing off-pun!)

I guess female radio people are the same the world over...foul!!
I have come across some of them here and they all act the same way. Maybe they are bitter because they don't have their dream job(being an MTV vj or a multi-platinum artist).

I guess Kenyans who gain a little bit of limelight just let it get to their heads- especially when they work in radio and tv. That's why most of them don't go far. I don't care if your driving the latest Benz of the showroom. Sweetie, if you work in a radio station, shut up and play some damn music! Or if you are in tv: Read the teleprompter, give me some damn news, smile and keep it moving.
That's all i ask.

Now i'm getting faint- in need of glucose...fast!!

*sigh*

How sad can my life get??!!!

I skipped church on Sunday(shut-up! I am a faithful church goer and member). So i skipped church to hit the mall. I have a bash to attend(non-kenyan thank God!) and the dress code is pretty strict- gotta have the independence colors.
That is some hard ish.
Why is it that when you are looking for something specific, it's quite rare and when you don't need it, it's in plenty?! I have never looked for the red,white and blue like that?!!
So to get rid of my frustrations, i swung by an Adult Store- I've never been to this particular one though it's situated on a major highway.
The first thing that greeted me was a mannequin wearing a strap on- hallo!!! What a welcome i tell you!

So i went round back to check out the rabbits section(thanks Medusa). They have a great and wide range of them-sizes and colors.
So I'm standing there deciding if i should get one.
Why you ask?
Coz this sista hasn't had some in a minute and driving the B-train is getting a little old.

Am all for self-love and all but, i just don't see how i'm going to lay they spread-eagle with this AA battery tool all up in me.
I'm sorry i just don't have the heart.
So i thot maybe i would get it and polish up on my head skills- not that i have any problem in that department, but we can always aim to be better than we already are, right?(someone better say AMEN!)
But such acts just add on to my hunger pangs. So, i opted out...for now.

They did have some pretty good stuff(kinky ones) and i will be back for a few purchases in the near future(okay in two weeks, coz like an eagle, I'm zero-ing in on some unsuspecting prey-lol!)

I did finally get something to wear for the party though. I will take pics and post them up.

In other news:

I do have a bit of a snafu going on though. There's this guy who has a thing for me(like a huge thing with like love and stuff all up in the mix). I always shoo him away and encourage him to date other chics coz I'm not feeling him like that.
So we had a big fight jana over text and i thot that i was home free i.e. we will never talk again and i can finally be at peace. The dude sends me a text at 7am today say that i am one of a kind, he's forgiven me and it's all good. I wanted to toss my phone out the window!!

I will blog about him another time. It's a tale and 3/4.
Right now, humidity awaits!!

Wave the flag!!

Tis Gay Pride weekend!!!!

Big Up to the kids. March that Rainbow flag with pride!!

I couldn't possibly put up all the pictures of all the sugary men out there(allegedly) but here's some eye candy that is "candy."

The Ist pic is the fabulous Ru Paul- Queen Extraordinaire!!

Jesus be my hideout

I plan to quit drinking, one less drink at a time.

Apparently the fad nowadays is to drink Poland Spring at the club.
Well slap me with a jug and call me Nyambura...Im In!!

Was out and about this last weekend, after promising myself that i will not show up anywhere where i may run into "my lover". Ha!! I laugh now!!

His bro called me on friday on his way to my lover's for a drink to ask me what's good, read: we need to go for another drinking sequel. I came up with tales from the crypt of how i gotta work extra hours at work over the weekend, bla bla bla...
quick someone give me their child to babysit on saturday for a nominal fee.

Then on saturday around 10pm he sends me a text, telling me that he's thinking about me. I was like EH?!!
I mean, i wish that it was his brother who was telling me that and not him. I tell you if this nucca would style up, we would be making love more than war- coz we are always fighting about some crazy ish that don't make sense.
So anyway, i down played those texts and then when i told him that i was stepping to go out. He then asks me if i want company...oh hell no!!
I don't need no married with children man on my ass all damn night. He was disappointed.
Oh well...I'm now in the ministry of breaking hearts.

I get to the club and low and behold, my lover's present. Crap!!
Now i gotta straiten up my act- read: no falling out from all the Grey Goose that i was planning on inhaling-damn!!

"Waiter, where my water at?!" Forget that, show me where the faucet be.

Here's the weird thing about our 'thing':

Currently we are on the outs- (his fault of course, coz he's got baggage like a mutha). But if he sees me getting chatted up or some dude getting too close (dancing or talking), he gets mad.
So he kept stalking me the whole night.(He would suddenly show up, standing 20feet away from me talking to some dude, pretending to be intune with their conversation but, his body is facing me and he's stealing glances my way. Of course i'm checking him too out at the corner of my eye like: "Kula huu ndugu."
I flip my hair, look at him and turn to the guy i'm talking to!)

Finally, i got tired of the game and went up and said "HI!"
He, in turned, acted so nonchalant like it was no biggie- i should taken out my high heels and smacked him!!...Then nursed him back to health. Damn that nucca!!

In other news, i'm done watching porn. I kid you not, either my supplier is a strait-up bum or i'm becoming asexual. Someone help me out.

Oh boy...

Just when i thot that some stuff in life only happens on the Maury Show, someone sign me up to be a quest!!

I tell you, so yesterday I'm sitting, chilling with my good pal(a guy) knocking back drinks and chatting up a storm since we haven't hanged out for a minute.

In the course of yapping, my pal starts giving me his sad marriage life story, how the strokes are quiet limited and all, how his mama is always stressing him the minute he walks thru the door, bla bla bla. So I'm listening, being all sympathetic and whatnot.

Shortly, jamaa starts telling me the way he has always been feeling me from like 4 years ago when he first moved here. But because he is married and stuff he just keeps it on the low-low. I tell him that I'm flattered and all but, i respect peoples' relationships and wouldn't cross that line.
Thinking that we are done with that vibe, guys still continues to tell me how he would love to go down on me...i almost fell off the bar stool!! I'm like:"Kuwanga serious bana." And he's like it's for real, that's something he has always been wishing.
Now i start laughing cause I'm so nervous.
I blow off that storo, we knock back a few more then we head out.

He gives me a push-(yes a push lol!!) to my car and while standing out there, drinking water, trying to sober up to avoid a DUI charge, he grabs my hips and crouches down and is stares at my lower half- actually where my jean zipper, as if he's trying to unzip me with his laser vision.
I'm like: "Dude get up. It's not going to go down, and especially not out here." He is still insisting and he's like.:"Kels, if you give me the chance not only will i lamba you proper, I'll toss your salad as well."

I turned crimson!!

All i could think off was jumping into my car and running home!!
I quickly finish up my water, and told him that i gotta run. I just couldn't take it anymore!!

Now the twist in all this is, the dude is my lover's brother!!
Yes, my off and on again, can't-decide-what-we-want-to-do-with-each-other, lover. Right now we are on the outs coz he's being an ass(as always).

Dude juas about me and his brother, well he sort of figured it out a while back but never said anything. And we did talked about it while drinking, so i guess confirming his speculations.

Ugh!!!!
I'm sick to my stomach -both from the vodka and his wanting me revelation.
I need to go lay down... alone!!

Porno- oh-no

I spent a good portion of my weekend watching porn- yes, yes, i know. I'm blooming with possibility nowadays *smh*

My pal gave me a copy to go watch and probably learn a trick or two(unbeknown to him, I'm quick the athlete) *maniacal laughter*

So this wasn't the regular adult film with A-list actors. Nope, it was jam packed with g-list actors. G for ghettoooo. Oh, it was horrendous!!

First off let me say that 98%of the women featured need a cat-trap face lift...moment of silence...Their traps were drooping and looked very lifeless. Oh, i was sooo shocked i had to pull out a mirror and check myself (out of sheer paranoia)!!

So, there were a few scenes that had me rolling over in laughter.
Here's a few that i remembered, because i fell asleep half-way.

There was this couple(clearly Hispanics) who just wanted to get video-taped doing the do. SO they are given a hand-held camcorder and they begin. Talk about clumsy, mara the dude has to stop what he's trying to do to get the right focus, mara he gives his woman the camcorder to hold, it was a big ol' mess. How they survived to the end was amazing to me.

Then there was this scene with a Japanese woman with big fake boobs and blond hair, so she gets out of the shower then the scene cuts to where she is getting it on with this dude who down on her wearing a mask...of a gorilla...yes people, a black gorilla mask!! I was like WTH IS THIS MESS?!!.
So when they were done she says,"Oh, you are such an animal." And he says,"And you Jane." I hit the floor in laughter. They were re-enacting Godzilla.

The scene that took the cake was this white blond woman and two black men, who in my opinion were West Africans.
So she's busying helping herself to a dick-load(pun) all the while none of these two men touched anyway in her body,not the boobs not her sex...nothing(mmmhh typical of most African men).
So poor blond woman, none of these men went down on her, i can just imagine the conversation between the the men and the director.
D:Okay so we gonna have you two guys tag-team a nice looking blond woman
(The two west Africans laugh loudly and hi-five each other. then they turn to leer at the blond who walks into the room)
D:So it's pretty routine, a bit of touching, kissing, feel free to go down on her.
W.A1: Oh-oh broda i don't go down on a woman-oh,any woman for that matter-oh.
W.A2: Me too-oh. I don't eat pussy-oh. The only fish i eat is when it's fried and comes with foo foo.
D:Ok. no problem

Talk about a raw deal. One of the man had a member, i kid, you not, that must have been about 10inches!!
Now that's were i draw the line. Oh hell to the naw!! I am not having that kind of one-eyed snake tapping my shoulder in the middle of the night asking me to answer the call of the wild.

Suffice to say, i now see where men get most of their skills from, the forcefullback of the head grabbing while blowing him and asking dumb question like should he come in my face...oh hell no!! I will take your member and beat you down with it if you dare that!!

Oh well, that just me and my crazy self.

Funny

Yep, it's a slow day. But enjoy this lovely funny forward i got from my pal.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ...... Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si thought "Generol Muotos" was in the army.
* Si thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an applicason where it says "Sign here" si wrote......... "Sagittarius ......."

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si took the ruler to bed to see how long Si slept.
* Si sent a fax with a stamp on it

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si tripped over a cordless phone.
* Si spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate......."
* Si told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK. "

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si studied for a blood test.
* When Si missed matatu number 44 to Githurai .....Si took matatu number 22 twice instead.
* When Si went to the Jomo Kenyatta Airport and saw a sign that said, " Airport Left," Si turned around and went home.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* When Si heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, Si moved......
* Si thought if Si spoke her mind, Si'd be speechless .......
* Si thought that Si could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* Si had a shirt that said "TGIF," which Si thought stood for "T his Goes In Front."

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Need I say more ...eh yawah....

Bored at work...

Thank God that long-ass weekend is over. Yes i had no plans plus, outside felt like a freaking oven...ugh!!

So, i channeled surfed all day- how i'm not in a coma is by the grace of God!!

I tell you i need a tv refund coz, aiiii now it's gone beyond torture.

There was a throw-down between my two favorite shows last night: Antiques Roadshow and Nature(yes am an avid Public Tv Fan). It was nail-biting!! Nature did win eventually coz they always tug at my heartstrings when they talk about African Wildlife.

When that was done, i flipped over to...hold your breath now...Telemundo. I know i know, even i was surprised!!
Miss Universe was on...WTH?!! Just how relevant is that pageant really?!

The funny thing was that i was completely lost in translation. Duh!! The few Spanish words i know are: Ola, Si, Bueno, Tacobell & JLo. And so far so good.

The pageant was held in Mexico...I know right?! Ain't there about 2 peole left in the entire country? What bait did they use for them to stay up long enough to put up the stage and lights? Free Border pass, Si?!

Earlier in the day, say about 4pm, Mama Oprah was.

(Moment of Silence- Mama O has clearly achieve demi-god status at this point).

They were talking about...err...it's coming to me...wait...oh, it was self-esteem or something like that (i was under the influence).
So anyway, they were talking about how Asian women crave to have an eye crease. I hit the floor laughing, but then it became a sad thot that we women try to attain impossible beauty standards, to appease other women. Trust me, we don't lose weight, change out hair color or wardrobe for the men...uh huh we do it for our gal pals. Men jsut benefit as a side dish.

So as I saw Miss Japan win the title i thot to myself: Does she have an eye crease?

Pleasure Zone

Disclaimer:I am slightly out there(surprise!!)

So seeing that i have all this time in my hands i decided why not share my kooky side.
I treasure the small things in life that we tend to over look in this 24/7 non-stop life-style we got going on(yet they bring a smile to my face and some sort of weird satisfaction, you know, LOL!).

Here are some of them:

Scalp scratching: Have you ever had an itch sooooo good that you did not want it to stop?! I know we all have!
Have you ever scratched an itch that it atcually took your breath away?! I have!

Well, let me take you back: One thing i used to love when i was in High School was when we would sit outside on Saturdays and grease each other's scalp while we talked about our boyfriends and our crushes(mine was Tevin Campbell- shut up i know i'm showing my age by revealing that!)
Haha.
So anyway, we would sit outside and yap away.
My best friend at the time was soo good at the hair-grease thing, chics used to line-up just to have her do them.
She would first part your hair into 2 sections then, make thin lines across your head and give your scalp a good scratching before oiling. OH!! Twas divine i tell you!! By the time she got to the middle of your head, you were in a trance-like state...just strait-up mum!!
She was so good, you'd forget what you were talking about!!

I still enjoy a good scalp scratch especially when i go to the salon to get my afro washed. I always tell the wash-lady: "Put more pressure."

Another way to experience a good scalp scratch is when wearing a weave and ladies you will agree when it gets hot under all that fake hair and you feel the itch coming on, and a nice thin knitting needle does the trick(no wonder my mom had them all over the house!)

Ear cleaning: Now hold on before you run off screaming: "Crazy!!" Hear me out.
Have you ever wet a q-tip with a bit of spit, put it in your ear, turned the q-tip around s-l-o-w-l-y and actually felt like you were about to experience an orgasm?? No?!! Oh, let me tell you.
Your eyes just roll back, your head tilts to the side,your body leans back,your mouth is open ever so slightly just enough to let you suck in a bit of air and your eyes are half-closed!! WHAT?!! It's the best feeling yet!!

Scab Picking: When i was young and my badges of honor were the grazes on my knees and elbows, i used to love picking the scab. Oh just the thrill of pull the old dry skin used to make me look forward to the next fall. I was soo vicious that i would beg my siblings to let me pick at their grazes once the healed.
Oh, and did you ever pick at a wound that was not completely healed only for it to start bleeding again?! Yes!! that was fun.
Alas now i'm graze free, except for the occasional paper cut. *SIGH* i miss the good old days.

Body scrubing: I am have always had a love love affair with body scrubs since forever. I am not talking about those girly-so-soft scrubs, uh-huh i needs me some hard-core body scrub that makes you feel like your skin is about to peel off and fall on the bathroom floor.
I got this new Coconut Butter Body Scrub- it has bits of coconut husks in it and boooyyyyyy let me tell you. As you scrub away, you actually feel your skin getting hot...ahhh tis the best. By the time i'm done my skin is steaming like lunch-time brocolli.

And of course there's the breast touch: Now i gotta say not a lot of men do not know how to handle breasts(can't blame them though, it's not like there's a manual out for them eh?)
It's either they grab them as if they are picking produce- squeezing ever so roughly or they knead them together like play-doh! That hurts, news flash!!
But once in a while a man will come along who knows what to do with my girls...

Ladies, you ever had a man who knew just how much pressure to apply on you all the while sucking and slightly nibbling on you?! And knows how to give your girls equal time and attention?! He doesn't only linger on the nipples, uh-huh, he is on the entire breast sucking, licking, kissing and nibbling?!!

Mmh Mmh Mmh!!
I'm tingling just thinking about it.

[Deep inhale]

Let me just close my eyes and imagine...

Summer plans

Unless you live under a rock somewhere in the artic circle, summer is in full effect. Damn!! It's hot!! Worst part- the humidity that's slowly creeping up!!

So i decided to make summer plans, (something to do since tv sucks ass major!!)

1) Keeping the weight off- As y'all know, i done lost me a few lbs and loving it!! But i seems that i'm getting backlash. One guy pal of mine was telling me that i am getting to skinny and that i need to add on some weight! WTH?!! He's just jealous! Infact anybody commenting that i need to add on any weight is strait-up hatin'!! Don't hate just coz you see me crusing up and down in the two-piece bikini aisle in Target!

2)Mind my language: I'm dusting off my Mui Huwa Mwema yet again and reading it for the... oh hell, look i just need to brush up on my swa. Not that i'm losing it or anything but i can't seem to hold a swa convo to the end without throwing in some english words. So, armed with my Kamusi and Nahau book, i'm ready to compete in a msamiati throw-down...by summer's end.

3)Be in a meaningful relationship:This may be a bit of a stretch but, hey! a sista can dream ama?! I do want to be in relationship(no seriously don't laugh). I have been single for a long time and well, i'm tired of getting on and off on the B-train. Need K to be constant(or is it Sex). And anyway, i need to reap the rewards of all my waxing appointments. I'm tired of the only action i'm getting lately is when i'm spreading them for the hot-wax,some wax strips and a gently tap on my leg(coz i tend to tense up) telling me: "Relax honey, or it's gonna hurt." Just before i hear the rip soundeffect.

4)Pay attention to my dreams: Yes i may be cuckoo for cocoa puffs when it comes to all things mystic(yes, i'm built that way)but, i did have a dream sometime back was a warning but did pay attention? Nope! Was too busy . The result- I ended up suffering some serious consequences.

5) Ease off the gas pedal: Not that i'm trying to save on gas coz at this point it's between a decent meal or gas for my car. These gas prices are ridiculous!! I don't know about where you live but here in the Wind-ward side of Shimbahills, it's "We are siphoning money from you in any way we can" campaign. I tell you cops are pulling folk over for doing 26 in a 25mph zone.
And those fines are nooooooo joke!
I did find myself infront of a judge the other day pleading my violation case- crap i have never felt sooo scared in my entire life!! A flash of The OZ did come-up in my head several times while waiting to get called.
So from now on know i'm driving like grandma coz these cops are just hiding in the bushes with their speed-radars pointing out to traffic just waitng for you're(unsuspecting,talking-on-the-cellphone-without-your-handsfree,eating,and loud-music-blasting-clearly-speeding)ass.

Have a great week y'all. I'm off to find ways to dodge this hot sun coz this SPF 60+ i got on, isn't helping much.

errm...

I had something intelligent to blog about then i remembered...WTH?!!
So,while i get organised, here's randomness...

I was on KM's blog where she was talking about meeting her man's ex who is a hottie. I sympathized with her. I jumped up, made a placard in protest:"Down with hot ex's!!" then i dawned on me...
"Wait one doggone minute!! Am i not some guy's ex?!!"
Last thing i need to be, is looking like a dragon when i meet up with my ex and his new catch, so i quickly pulled down my sign and made a bonfire!! And quickly invested in a good lipgloss!! I ain't going out like a punk ya know!!

What in the world happened to Kaggz?? She stormed onto the blog world, ruffled feathers and then disappeared as quick as she showed up. Someone get the Akiwumi Inquiry and find her.

I was having a casual sex-talk with a guy pal of mine and i happened to mention that i like to tie-up guys( oh, you gotta be of boyfriend status...MILO!!) and since then he just looks at me like am a freak of nature.
Now our friendship has changed. He's trying to bed me?!!
WTH?!!
Everytime he calls or txt, he tries to steer the conversation from what's on tv to when are we hooking up. I did tell him i wouldn't sleep with him because he does have a rep as a ho. So he's trying to convince me otherwise...oh puhleez, i ain't going down. I'm done talking to guys i know about my sex life.

I skipped my waxing appoinment today. Not for nothing, i drank some Sangria last night and it did not go down well, woke up at 3:47am to throw up and ended up with a King-sized hangover. By the time i got up again, it was waaay past my time and i did not feel like spreading them while nursing my sick self.

On the flip side, my clothing shipment arrived today...i'm ready for summer, and lots of skin will be showing. The down side of losing too much weight is that you have to invest in a whole new wardrobe...dang!! I miss my trusted fundi from back home who for 10bob would tighten up my loose fitting jeans.

Crap!! My headache is back!!

I need Tylenol or Tyrone...whoever can get to me first!!

11 reasons why ladies today are still single

I got this from a gal friend and it does ring true in some cases.

Enjoy!!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we
are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.

This is how i FEEL!!

Throw back

Now you know you are definately Kenyan old school if you can recall ANY of the following: Happy Trails!!

1) The Slumber bed tv commercial that had those people posing as the springs and then a skinny woman would get on the bed and they would dip slightly, then her fat hubby would get in and ...boy did those springs ever dip!!

2) When KBC(then VOK), used to have cue cards for commercials. Remember the one that was a picture of a guy very drunk and siting behind the wheel of the car and the side note said "Do not drink and Drive" and they would play like the song: "Don't drive drunk."

3) When trying to get to the right radio station involved turning a big nob that was written "tuner" on top of it!

4) When KBC's English General Service and Kiswahili Service was in MW and not FM.

5) Remember that song they played before the news was read? A horrible army like tune. Then that awful beep that followed. The announcer would then say: "Hivi sasa ni saa saba kamili. Habari kwa ufupi."

6) Got late getting back to school at lunch time coz you were caugh-up listening to lunch-time music.

7) Tuned to Kiswahili Service at 3pm to listen to "Desturi ya Kombo."

8) Michael Bolton was a hit. And your mom's or one of your sisters had his tape.(yeah cd's were a bit slow to get then).

9)The first 15 minutes of the Sunday evening news involved showing the former president, getting to church, singing hymns, listening to the preacher (bonus points if you can remember that preacher's name) and then after church service,planting a tree or something like that. Now that was strait-up torture!!

10)Your daily weekday alarm involved on of the following songs:
a) Hata wewe mwanagu amka kumekucha, kwani hizi ndizo saa za kwenda shule.
b) Amka!! Kumepambazuka tena, twendeni tufanye kazi. Ujenzi wa taifa letu Kenya, latutegemea sisi.

11) Remember the following Kids shows:

a) Button Moon and it's jingle: "We're going to Button moon, we follow Mr. Spoon. Button moon, button moooooon." Yes and Mr. Spoon used to have his own space shuttle and would end up on the moon.

b) Wind in the Willows and it's jingle. Loved Toad(the misguided billionaire), the wise Badger and polite Mole. Oh and the thugs were the foxes and were always in berets and turtle necks. LOL!

c) The BBC show Rainbow.

d) Muppets on Acid aka Fraggle Rock. Oh those muffets were waaaaaaay cooler than the regular muppets on "The Muppet Show". They had parties, lived underground, were always throwing themselves off cliffs and never got hurt...gosh!!

e) Mix them, Gather them. Yes it was a show from Coast and oh, it was painful but you still found yourself watching it. I think it was their accent that made it soo appealing.

f) Zama Zetu. And you know nyanya had a story up her sleeve everytime.

g) Kiini Macho. How that Indian guy had a show-contract for that long just lying to unsuspecting kids is one of the greatest mysteries in Kenyan tv history.

Ola

Boy am i glad to be back on the web!!

What is it about the latest strain of cold/flu bug going round? What happened to the good old days when you'd feel a cold coming on, take something at 9am and by lunch time you were ready to cut class/ work to go swing on a gate just for the heck of it?!!

I tell you, after a few sneezes over the weekend, i couldn't get out of bed for the last 4 days!!

Oh well, but now i'm better. And to celebrate my return to good health, i'm drinking a Smirnoff Ice!!

Oh, and i have lost about 3lbs as a result of being sick, but don't cry for me Argentina!! The more 3rd world i look, the better i feel...someone call Vogue, i'm ready for my close-up!! LOL!!

AOB

I recently have become an FM addict.(forget hi-def radio, i ain't got time to be buying special receivers for all that crap). I'm sticking to the ones already there- tried and true.
By the way have you ever wondered how/why radio is free? I mean compared to having cable that faithfully steals from you every month despite there being nothing but a pile of crap on tv, day-in day-out!!

Anyway as i was saying about my tuner-fad. I came across this nutty lady who has an afternoon show. She was talking one time about how after she became clean(was into coke major) she has now channeled all that energy into being a planner, and not just any old planner. She plans her life to six months out! I thot she was nuts! She calls it Bree Vanderkamping(from DHousewives). She books her family's doctors appointements, where and when they are going for vacation, she's invovled in her son's school, has her own hustles on the side on top of having a radio show. I'm exhausted just writing about her life!!
She said that once you have an addiction to something and you overcome it, you sort get another addiction to fill that void.

Back to me.
I have always loved food- God i love it! And if you were a close friend, you would have noticed that i get all excited whenever food is mentioned.

I did notice however, that after moving to this country, i have silently been going up a pant size almost every 6months to a year. Not that i am a junk food fanatic, it's just that i've never changed my old eating habits, which consisted of eating like a famine was about to break-out in an hour's time.
The straw that broke the camel's back? Last summer when i had to buy a size 12 swimdress, not a costume-(tankini or just 1 piece, a swim-damn-dress!!). I'm not saying that 12 is a big size, but i am no statuesque chic so, yeah, i had reached my breaking point in the dressing room. My ass was just out there, wanting it's own zip-code and so did my hips!
I took matters into my own hands and got on a diet and exercise program. Well, it's been about 6 months and i gotta say that i have lost a whole lot of weight and i feel like a new person. N/B: I was not weighing or even near 200lbs, so relax.

The positive side is walking into the dressing room and calling out for the assistant to bring you an outfit in a smaller size!
Crap, now i sound like the crazy women you see in those 3am informercials!

The negative: I am soo afraid of gaining the weight back that i am sometimes substituting a good portion of food for alcohol.

I am not falling out drunk, but there are days when i get home, tired and hungry and i can't even bring myself to look at the stove or the fridge.Instead i reach for a glass of wine and call that dinner. The result, i nearly passed out from exhaustion this past week. I do plan to cook this weekend for the whole week but i know by tuesday night, i will be tired of warming up food, so i'll reach for my trusted wine and call it a night.

Weight issues aside, i still can't figure out my love life- since Milo is still dealing with women of ill-repute(you know i gotta throw gas on it).
I am basically clueless when it comes to men.
The bilaz train has made several pit-stops this month but i don't know why my lover and i just can't seem to get a relationship going. Even the pit-stops aren't that frequent.
I did apply slight pressure the other day and had my way but, boy did i feel bad after that. I guess i'm still old fashioned and want the guy to make the move. At this point i don't know what i really want. Honestly speaking, the passion is dying because it's not translating into what i would like- a relationship. The thrill of seeing and being with him is not as strong and potent as it once was. Gosh! am i turning into a dude?!!

*sigh*

On a positive note, it's the weekend and someone close to me is buying drinks...yay! No, i'm no lush,just need to unwind from a hectic week and a non-existant love-life.

Rant

I will go down on record having said that blogging is like crack. You quit, cuss it out, go into rehab to detox, just to find yourself right back where you were before(actually much worse coz you come back with a vengence)!!

The same applies to going for Kenyan Funkies...

Goodness me!!! If i can have a $1 for the number of times i have sworn off attending another bash/heng that has wanainchi invovled, i would be in Forbes.

Everyday, like a New Year's resolution that doesn't go stale i vow: "I, Kelitu, aka Kels, aka Shimbahills finest, being of sound mind hereby proclaim that i will not be attending any Kenyan funkies for atleast 6 months. A time to which my system will have fully detoxed and decluttered from all things Kenyan. I promise to uphold this confession until the maximum sentence has been carried out."

But just like a bad rash that is resistant to anti-biotics, i find myself being dragged into another on of these funkies (if it's not a birthday, it's a wedding, a baby shower-which have become like an epidemic lately- or it's s fundraising of some sort.) After which i always leave with a bad taste in my mouth(and not because the drinks suck).

I have discovered that Kenyans, regardless of how long and far you stay away from them, will find a way of bounty-hunting you.

You go M.I.A for a few months and the first thing you get after resurfacing is: "Yaani Kelitu nowadays you are not feelings us eh?" "Umelost sana jo. You don't come hangout with us. You don't call people. Whose this jamma who has you under wraps like this, kwani you are dating a jungu ama an akata like this? Ama you have pandad bei and don't wanna mingle with us?"
But of course being that i went to manners school, instead of yelling:"F**k off!!!" I smile politely and reply:"Niko tu. Busy, busy bana. Si you jua how this place just harakisha people."
Then you have to spend the rest of the night ducking questions of what you've been up to since they saw you last Kwaanza.

I do not have the luxury of living the rural USA, where you can always blame it on some tornado blocking your path to hareez. I do live in suburbia, still try to duck and hide from wazalendo, but it's hard man. Especially if you used to roll with them daily back in the day when you was a fresher, but now you have moved on.

Here's a scenario i encountered lately:

I was invited to a bash and only went because the host is my good friend plus, there was promise of food.
I check in, say "wsup" to the usual hooligans i know and keep it moving. Grab a drink and start makelele with a galfriend i haven't seen for a minute.

Everything is going on well. The music is on point, drinks flowing and everyone looks nice.

After a few hours, one guy approaches me and strikes up a conversation. Apparently i had we had met before at some other funkie but i couldn't remember him. Then he start spiting bile of how i was feeling sweet for him the last time we met and i refused to give him my phone number. Immediately, i went into defense mode (spartan style) and told him that i do have a right as to who i give/ not give my number to.
You would think with the cold front i am throwing at him, he would get the hint and keep it moving to somewhere sunny and warm...Wapi?!!
He's sticking around like glue.
He tries another lame attempt...again...to get my number, telling me that he just wants to say hi. I told him:"Well, aren't you not here? Aren't you not saying 'Hi?'. What other 'Hi' is there that you wanna tell me?"
Then, seeing that he is not going to suceed to get my digits, flips the script and offer his. I told him strait-up: "I am not going to call you, so don't."

Kumbe!!

Dude got ticked off and went on his bile campaign. After he was done (coz i just looked at him make an ass of himself) i still held my ground..."nope don't want your number and i won't give you mine".

The thing i do not get is why do men(most of them) think that just coz you are vibing a chic that you gotta get the digits? What ever happened to, "I have a choice to say no to you?"
It's not about feeling hot or anything.If i'm not feeling you, i'm not feeling you. Why can't you just understand that?

What's the point of having my number and i will never pick up when you call(thanx to caller-id), or have your number and never call you?

I'm just trying to make things easy for the two of us. Don't want to give you false hope that i will ever call. Why can't you please just get off my ass and let me be!!

Kiss-and-tell

The weekend's here: Yay!

Sadly, it's sleeting like a mutha: BOO!!

So i am jeting-off to sunny Hawaii for the weekend(in my mind), while i shovel the driveway and de-ice the car.

I do want someone out there in blog-world to answer this puzzling question: Why is it that people close their eyes when kissing? It's funny how your eyes are open until your lips meet and then it's like the eyes just automatically close! Is there a scientic reason for it or something?!

I did date a guy once who used to kiss me with his eyes open. I did not know of this disturbing behavior until one day, i happened to open my eyes to look at him while we were kissing and boom!- his eyes were all wide open and starring down at me. It was one hell of a creepy feeling! I quickly squeezed my eyes shut. I felt like i'd been caught stealing or something.

My M.O. is that i steal glances during the kissing, just see if he is enjoying it as much as i am.

So what about you? Share your experiences with me. I'd love to hear them.

Beautiful Liar

Okay now i may not be B's no. 1 fan but, i am digging this track- well coz shakira is in it(lets be honest).
Enjoy!!
p/s: i am signing up for belly dancing classes pronto!!!

Roll it Gal

I love this song but couldn't figure out who sang it!! Now that i've found it, can't get enuff of it!!

Numbers

I came across a Numerology book this past week and all I can say is: WOW!!

It’s amazing how numbers tell your personality. I am not the type to believe any charlatan with something mystic to say, but this numerology book did open my eyes- a bit.

Kwa ufupi, your personality is matched to your birth number. If you born on the 8th of any month, your number is 8. If you were born on the 29 of any month, your birth number would be (2+9=11; which is 1+1=2) 2.
Yeah, there’s a little bit of adding up involved.
The birth numbers are 1-9, so if you was born on the 10th of any month, your birth number is (1+0=1) 1.

So, a little home work for those of you interested in finding your traits (positive and negative) as it relates to your birth number. Happy Unveiling:

Number 1

+ Ambitious, daring, generous, fearless, dynamic.
- Arrogant, selfish, cold, bullying, manipulating.

Number 2

+ Mild-mannered, considerate, peace-maker, persuasive, charming
- Petty, deceptive, hoarding, cruel, insincere

Number 3

+ Creative, popular, confident, articulate, musical
- Vain, dictatorial, self-indulgent, jealous

Number 4

+ Honest, disciplined, practical, loyal, steady
- Dull, crude, hateful, insensitive, melancholy

Number 5

+ Versatile, literary, curious, spontaneous, freedom-loving
- Self-indulgence related to sex, irritable, abusive

Number 6

+ Loving, magnetic, sociable, artistic, understanding
- Domestic tyrant, cynic, self-righteous, jealous

Number 7

+ Intuitive, refined, secretive, philosophical, probing
- Sarcastic, recluse, no depth, cunning, too critical

Number 8

+ Authoritative, conservative, executive ability, religious
- Greedy, power-hungry, intense, scheming

Number 9

+ Humanitarian, courageous, competitive, resourceful, spiritual
- Impulsive, argumentative, heartless, narrow-minded.

Men Please

Next time your lady friend is giving you an oral favor, could you please stop grabbing the back of our heads in a vice-grip (with no room for movement) and pushing us all the way down.
DAMN!!

It’s hard to work it, control my gag reflexes and breath at the same time.

I know what I’m doing! I will add more motion to it when I feel the time is right. Just sit back and enjoy!!
...Or i will be forced to bite and we both don't want that. Do we now? mmh?

It's Friday

It's freezing cold.

Snow everywhere.

Thirsty for a nice cold glass of Chardonnay to take the edge off.

My friend(you know who you are) during the week send me an email where he was telling how over the past weekend or so, he was kissing some random chic's breasts...and for some sad strange reason, that statement turned me on BIG time!! I remember a time-not so long ago- when i had someone kissing my breasts.

*very heavy sigh* and *rolls eyes*

CRAP!!

I'm horny!!

Oh well, here's to the weekend...

Still alive

Despite contrary reports, i will most definatley make a good mother when i have my own kids. Sorry my blog baby.

Yes i'm back- from vacation. Tooo much going on(like having to clean out my fridge),too much to write(reports, resumes, wills) and little time available(finally dawned on me that there are 24 hours in a day!! damn!!).

I'm staying clear of talking about my love-life (trust me enough people have heard about my boo-hooing about it so...)it's being starved to death!

Since i am a tvnista in my mind, i will talk about the second love of my life- TV SHOWS!!
First off: Tv sucks nowadays, I mean WTH?!! I am about to slug the tv. Did someone fall asleep on the control buttons over at the station headquaters?!

I can't believe 24 is back... who got Jacked for that show to come back?! Jack Bauer has more lives than an alley street cat!!
Someone in FOX please kill this show. I don't understand that despite all the '24 fans', Keifer has been outshown twice by Hugh Laurie for Best Male Actor in a Drama Series!! Mmm...hallo!!!

PrisonBreak will be back Monday *mini yawn*. Don't get me wrong i loved this show when it 1st came out and i never missed an episode, but after the break-out, they have been stretching the truth i alittle bit too much- they are insulting my inteligence(or rather what's left of it!).

Didn't watch much of the Golden Globes but the fact that Beyonce did not win- i was thrilled!! I am tired of her!! Go J-Hud!! And she (Bey C3PO)needs to lay off the bronzer, she was looked like the tin-man had rolled himself on the yellow brick road only J-Lo looks good all bronzed up.

The Office is still good but, but it's starting to veer alittle to the left. That's the problem when a show becomes popular. The style changes. I liked it more when it was only four people watching-me included- and the execs where contemplating axing it.

I don't do House anymore, Dr. House is not limping and on a rotten mood like he was before...BLAH!!

My favorite show-Justice- is MIA and i can't seem to get a report from FOX where it went. I knew things were narrow for the show when it was moved from Monday to Friday- (if you don't know, any show that gets slated for the Friday Primetime Slot after previously being on the must-see tv days (Mon-Thur)is halfway out the door).

American Idol is back- yet again for a 6th season. Crap! My ears are already beginning to bleed.

Top Model- boy they killed me when they brought that British Version. I mean i love my brits like i love my gays but jeez, those brit accents are killa!! I couldn't understand half of what was being said.

I am about to pass out of hunger. Gotta and actually sort out my thots for the next blog entry.