Mini-rant

You know what's really sad? Jamhuri Day came and went and i had no clue. I am seriously losing my Kenyan edge.

What do Kenyan artistes mean when they say the word majani? Is it money or is it weed?
Plus when they say that a chic amejipa is it that she self-pleasures or she has sex with a dude?

Clearly y'all can see i'm not up to par with what's happening in the streets.

And speaking of losing more Kenyan edge...

When will some Kenyan men (speaking to those who are abroad) stop acting like asses and style-up?? Urgh!!!! I'M DONE WITH ALL Y'ALL MOFOZ!!
If a chic ain't feeling your game, why do you go out and mud-sling her name to your boys in a drunken spree?!! Why can't you just agree that things didn't work out and keep it moving?!! Kwani you have to sleep with every chic you talk to and hang out with?!
Small minded men are such a turn-off. I hope the plague fall on ya asses!!!Mshindwe!!

Aahhh!! Now i feel much better. Thanx!!

Will, will, will

He could get it!!

I miss Toni...

Finding Me...

So it's finally getting colder with each passing day. Brrr!
I love the change of seasons.
I have travelled to other parts of the country that don't have season-change(mostly the south and south-west) and i did not like it.
I actually felt trapped in a matrix of some sort.
Everyday the sun was out blazing a clear blue sky- oh, i do have a thing aganist the sun in the morning,and especially that bright summer sun. Oh hell i hate sun-light, or rather any kind of light for that matter first thing in the morning.(i am not a morning person, if morning could start at around 10am, sign me up! My not liking of the sun in the morning has led me to invest deeply in heavy curtains for my bedroom.

Oh yeah, so i love the season change. Winter is my favorite,a chance to wear my cute parka. Oh yeah and shovelling snow. It is my only way of getting any exercise in, coz trust me the gym was not built with me in mind. I thrive in the cold. If i could get a winter-pass to Iceland every winter. People think i'm crazy coz i'm from Africa(all that sun and dry-heat). But hey! Some of us are different and we are out there...lurking...waiting...(dramatic music!!)LOL!

On other news: I went to the movies and watched Borat. I was delighted and disgusted all at the same time.
Last time i went to see a movie, didn't see much of it. Was busy getting down with my movie date.(hey, look. I gotta have something to tell my grandkids huh? LOL!).

Then: I fell off the AA wagon-LMAO! Okay i am not much of a drinker but, weee maisha can kimbiza you at times and i need something to take the edge off (seeing that sex-with-strings-attached ain't working out like i wanted it to). I find myself, almost every other night, infront of the tube with a smirnoff ice in my hand all the while craving a stiffer drink.
And on top of all that, i have joined a Bible study- trust me when times are hard black people turn to the LORD.LOL!

Who sang that song- "I will survive?" Diana Ross?! That is my mantra till the end of the year.

And finally: Thank you to all who keep stopping by here and reading and commenting. LOVE YOU ALL!

Dis & Dat

Just when i thot i was out in the clear...(insert dramatic music!)

So, my lover and i (yes i am using that term losely here, trying to drum up some exotic excitement...) we broke up. Or rather i broke-up with him, um, in my head. I mean hear me out. If i don't nip this thing in the bud- in my head- whatever i say with my mouth is null and void, because mentally i need to be fully convinced that it is over before i can actually see him and let him know.
I don't break-up over the phone. I have done it before but if the guy is a cutie and great in bed, i do it in person, just incase i may be in the mood for some good-bye loving...LOL!
It's been quite a daunting task seeing that i like him and stuff but, we both want different things and i don't feel like i can be myself and be free with him (sexually or other) when i don't exactly know how he really feels. Coz the brother could be telling me what i want to hear so that he can get himself some nookie... and like Ciara says:"Goodies are staying in the jar."

I had a celebrity spotting earlier this week: Jaheim (if you consider him a celeb). He came to a beauty shop that i had accompanied my pal to to get her hair did. Mmm... he could pass for a lugha dude any day (no offense to lunjes!). This is my second celebrity spotting in a hair shop- last time, it was Nas and boy is he a small man! Didn't recognize him at first.

And finally i am digging the music by Robin Thicke. Check him out at www.robinthicke.com/watch. I esp love his song "Lost without you"
Sing baby,sing!

Quarter life-crisis

Got this in my mailbox and how true!
Enjoy!

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along
with
the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about
yourself
that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends
that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest
people you
have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most
important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that
too
and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they
are as
confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you
would be
doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going
to
have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the
same
people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they
weren't so
great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you
want
and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find
yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize
that you
have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of
what is
acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest
force
of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change
is the
enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon
realize
that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing
to
do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such
damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone
decent
enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone
else
too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a
bad
person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting
wasted
and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk
with
your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for
yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd
just
like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are
in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can
to
figure this whole thing out.

Mmmm?!!

1)As anyone noticed that there's a shortage of black actors on this years Fall line-up of shows? And they are being replaced by guys with Brit accents? Wssup with dat?!

2)Now that "Big-twin-sister-in-my-head" Toni Childs has left Girlfriends, i don't care much for the show.

3)Is it me or is Jay Z more of an insecure rapper than a savvy business man. Since being prez of Def Jam he has screwed over New York based rappers in favor of southern rappers. Is he scared the competition is too stiff in the NYC? Soutern rappers are good, don't get me wrong. But they can never be the King of New York. Same way a New York rapper can never be King of the South. For you Jay fans out there, i am not hating but think about it:
a) Nas's album has been pushed back more times than i can count.
b) He is not promoting any other rapper who is on the label(like a CEO should) instead he is in Monaco making videos for his album.
c) I thot he retired, why he need another album and a tour for? Who is watching the home front? (Def Jam).

4) Prisonbreak is about to give me a cardiac...the drama is too intense...aiii!!

5) I love Justice, it's like Law&Order on speed.

6) Don't you just love Dateline's: To catch a Predator? Those men just crack me up. I love they way they always say that it was their first time talking to a minor online despite sending photos of their genitals.

7) Why do those Top Model girls look like trannies on a Friday morning after a hard nights'work? Just tore up from the floor up?!!

8) Is Sunday back to being your favorite day of the week (like mine) now that Football season is back?

Rewind that

I got this from a good pal of mine and it made my day.
Enjoy!

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead;
just get it right out of the way.

You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better everyday.

You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day.

You work the next 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're "generally" promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.

After High School, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play
or nap all day, you have no responsibilities.

You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.

Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries
like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap, larger living
quarters everyday ... and then .............
you finish off as an orgasm!

It would HAVE to be better that way ... because this getting old really
... just sucks!!!!!

For those who care...

Before this blog dies a slow and painful death; like Bobby and Whitney's marriage, I had to jump in.

Lots going on. Kwa ufupi here's the low-down:

I am back on the diet wagon. I unceremoniously fell off and landed on the freeway. Got up, dusted myself off and pushed the wagon into the nearby ditch. It's been 3 weeks since I have been seriously back on the wagon and I gotta say, it's working out well for me. I have lost a good amount of weight and I am quite happy with myself for sticking to the diet and exercise plan. Here's the skinny on my getting back on track: I am secretly trying to go back to the weight I had when I first came to this country, many moons ago. That and the fact that you can never be too thin or too rich.

Went back to school for that over-talked about, my-inheritance-depends-on-it 2nd degree. The only reason I keep showing up for class is because there's a dreading song that keeps playing over and over in my head: .Someni Vijana, ongezeni pia bidii, Mwisho wa kusoma, mtapata kazi nzuri sana." WTH?!! Whose is the guy who wrote that track? He should be found out and put back in school!!

Then I started messing with a certain guy...*sigh*. Actually, he has been trying to derail me from my chastity walk...ashindwe!! There's is mad, crazy sexual attraction between us. Lucky for us most of our friends are oblivious to what's going on. It's soo clande...
We have had several make-out sessions...all I can say is: mmm,mmm, mmm good!(and I ain't talking about Campbell Soup). The brother is highly skilled. His kisses makes me melt. His touch makes me yearn for more, and his tongue...well lets just say cloud nine has nothing on me! LOL!
Sadly, I have to end all this fooling around because I am more for a relationship while he wants relations. Gone are the days when I was 20, young, dumb and playing around was all that. Been there, done that got the badges, scars and the t-shirt too. Now, not anymore. I'm grown and I have a different perspective on relationships. It's all or nothing for me and he can't give me that right now.


So, there you have it. This chic is mighty busy juggling fighting temptations, a weight-scale and textbooks. I am silently praying for that Thanksgiving break...

Honesty, still the best policy

I was watching Primetime last week and they were talking about "AIDS in the Black Community". By the time the show ended I was ticked off.

It's a known fact that despite the fact that Blacks are only 13% of the population, they account for 50% of infected persons in the whole country.

Whenever people talk about AIDS it's always seen as an 'African disease'. Celebs pack their LV bags, get on a private jet and then come over to the supposed "black continent" and tell us to use protection bla bla bla and then come back to their mansions feeling like they have done their duty to mankind- (brownie points with God?!, dunno.)

It was quite interesting to see how very little leaders in this country know about AIDS in their own back yard (Vice-president included).

What was sad in the documentary is how Black men have become such misogynists. The most infected and affected people are young black women between the ages of 25-45.

Why are they getting infected at such a higher rate? Well one of the reasons offered ,apart from using tainted drug needles, was heterosexual relations with men who were are practicing the down-low lifestyle.
They interviewed several men who are gay, bisexual and straight. One of them said that he knew that he had AIDS as a result of his gay lifestyle but still went ahead and infected his wife of 16 years, who had no knowledge of his status. He said that she was so mad at him after she found out that she refused to take medication.

There were other several sad stories with the same theme: Women infected by their husbands and boyfriends who engaged in alternative lifestyles.

I know that there are several things that are against the black man in America: black on black violence that has gotten out of hand, unemployment,imprisonment,lack of education, etc.
But you would think that will all these things against him, black men would at least be honest about their sexuality. I know most guys say that carrying a condom to go have sex with another guy is admitting to yourself that you are gay, so they would rather put themselves (and their families) in harms way by having unprotected sex. What rubbish?!!

What's frightening is that you now can't tell who is gay or on the down-low. People think that the typical gay man is the flaming queen, over-accessorised, probably wearing a overly tight cut-up shirt while rolling his eyes at you saying:"Girl, that dress is fierce honey." Nope. Those are the ones who are free with their sexuality and have already come out of the closet. Plenty of closet gays range from your local mechanic, bankers to highly paid rappers, movie-stars and athletes in every genre of sports...

I know that women also have to be proactive: getting tested, using protection. But I have seen chicks dropped their panties at the drop of a hat for a certain guy who has been eyeing them for a while. Even worse, for musicians and pro-ballers just because they got passes to the V-I-P section in a club and were kickin' it with them. Yes those people have a very larger than life presence about them but, do you know where or who's been with from the last town?! Style-up ladies! He may be all that and a bag but, once you get infected (and it doesn't have to be H-I-V), he is definitely not going to be there with you "kickin' it" talking about taking meds.

My stand on this is that you are responsible for your own well-being. You can't trust anybody within or without your life. People are becoming more and more wicked by the day. Plus the usual get tested regularly, use protection and be honest with the one you share your bed with.

It's not just an African Problem as certain people would have you believe, it's a global issue. It's time we stopped being quiet about this disease and openly talked about it. I know as Africans, we shun talking about anything pertaining to sex and that's why it's killing more and more of our people.
How many of us are honest enough to reveal our status to our partners or even go and get tested together?
Quit sweeping everything under the rug and saying that it's a disease for gays and prostitutes, coz it ain't.

Have you Ever...

...Been in a situation where you break up with someone of the opposite sex and you were not actually going out in the first place?

A few weeks ago at a party...

I was sitting outside with a few friends and a not-so-sober pal who was upchucking her meal of the day. Minding my own business, this guy approaches me and starts small talk. He was well presented and seemed to know how to hold a strait conversation. He was clearly much different from the rest of the guys in the party- who were too drunk to afford manners. The talk was going on well until he whips out his cell phone and proceeds to ask for my number.
Now I have a policy about giving out my digits, "Don't call me, I'll call you."

I tried to weasel my way out of giving out my number but he was soo instant that it was getting embarrassing. I didn't have my phone with me coz my purse was big enough to hold a stick of gum and lipgloss. So I told him to write down his number and I will call him but, he wouldn't have it.
Finally, I caved in and he punched in my numbers and then proceeds to call the number to make sure it's not the number to the local police station. When he hears my voice mail he hangs up and then smiles at me and says, "You can now save my number."
I give him a weak smile.

After a few moments of awkward silence... I decide to head back indoors and retrieve my other pal who is clearly having himself a jolly ol' time and tell him that I'm leaving. Unbeknownst to me, the 'guy with my number' is hot on my trails asking me who am I looking for with such gusto. I murmur something to the effect of, "a good friend I came with."
I meet my friend who gets he is clearly looking upset after I brief him that not only am I leaving but that I need him to direct me out of this place (coz God knows which part of the world we were in).
The 'guy' is still following me like a lost puppy and it's beginning to get on my last nerves. He seemed to get upset if any other guys talked to me. How do I know that? Well he seems to appear in the midst of every chat I was having with any guy. Now y'all know that when Kenyans are saying bye to each other, no matter the occasion whether it's a party or at the bus-stop, the process takes about an hour or so. I'm doing my goodbye laps and he is clicking at my heels. So very annoying!
When he sees that I am on my way out, he also states that he too is on his way out and would like to walk me to my car, which I politely refuse. I mean WTH?!!I don't know you like that for you to be giving me a push to my mots (LOL). I will take my chances with the patrolling cops around the neighborhood.

Twenty minutes later, I am still on the road and the only thing keeping me awake is some random radio station I tuned to that is playing Contemporary Christian Rock music.
Ring ring goes my phone.
The number looks strange:

"Hello" I say with a bored voice.
"Hey Kelitu. It's H. I was calling to see if you had gotten home already."
"Nah, still on the road."
"So can we meet today, for lunch or a drink?"
It was about 3am.
"Uhh, I don't think that will be possible. I have other things to do."
"Oh, you know I am just sitting here thinking about you. There something special about you. I would like to spend some time with you. Your the 1st Kenyan chic who I have met that is different." He says. Apparently mamas from his country of origin (South of the Jamhuri border) happen not to have that certain 'Je n'ai ce quas?!' 'cuse me french.


*Thoughts running thru my head when he said this* "Okay, WTH?!! What are you now? A freaking talent agent?! Spending 10 minutes talking with me doesn't define who I am. And who says I wanna spend time with you?"

So I decided to put this guy out of his misery and proceed to inform him that I am seeing someone. To which he asks."Is he Kenyan?"
WTH?!! Kwani I can't date a non-kenyan?
"Actually, he is not Kenyan?" I reply.
"Oh okay, coz even me, I'm seeing someone too." he says.
"Oh and she is okay with you seeing other people?" I ask
"Well, we are kinda going thru a rough patch." he says.

Boy oh boy, if I had a nickel for everytime I have heard that line...mmm, mmm, mmm.

"Look, if you recall I did not want to give you my number in the beginning because of this but you kept insisting. I don't want you getting any ideas that anything could happen."

Silence on the other end of the phone.

"Look H I gotta go, I am about to hit a drop zone and my phone will disconnect. So good nite."
"Okay, Kelitu. Good nite."

I almost threw my phone out the window in disgust...Where is a prepaid phone when you need one?

The next day, H keeps calling my phone non-stop. I'm at a house party and I clearly don't have time to be dealing with his stories.

The following week was a repeat of the weekend, him calling non-stop using different numbers. Finally by the end of the week, he pages me and I return the call steaming.

"Hey Kelitu. You are so hard to get hold off."
"Yeah well, I'm a busy person."
"So the weekend is here, can we meet?"
"Look H. I told you, I'm seeing someone and I don't think that it would be right to do that behind his back."
"Why don't I call you after work..."
"No, there's nothing that you would tell me that would change my mind." I interject before he is done,
"No please, let me call you..."
"No please don't call me." I respond. "Good Bye."

I felt bad that it came to this. I was feeling soo drained dealing with him. But I wasn't feeling him like that. Did I lead in on? But how? Talking about work related issues is a come-on nowadays?

I did not hear from him for several days, then he pops up again. Calls and leaves some sobby message that I should call him back and stuff...arrghh!! Okay that's one character that is not good on a man who is trying to score with me. If I'm not feeling you. I think you have to be intelligent enough to read in between the lines. I don't have to spell everything out to you.
Hopefully H will lose my number sometime soon coz I'd hate to have to read him out.

Yeah for me!

It's been 6 months of blogging and I have been enjoying myself thoroughly.

I know people wait till 12 months roll on by before they celebrate a blog anniversary but knowing me this is feels like 2 years.

I am not a born writer (like Acolyte- kwani you have secret stash of Popeye's spinach?).

I prefer chatting face to face. Like to read peoples' facial emotions.

One thing I have come to like about blogging is the being 'annoymous' part. That way I can spew crap and non-crap without fear of someone I know going like "Geez Kelitu, kumbe you felt like that?!"
Y'all know how judgmental Kenyans be...
Then I have to start defending myself to my Pastor about having issues...uh-uh!

As I look forward to 6 more months, I hope to Acolyte will send me some of his secret stash so that I can be dropping new entries like flies. If not, oh well at least write a book about it- i'll buy it, photocopy and return.

3 Cheers for me and thank you to the KBW familia that has dropped by and said something. Auuu! I feel loved.

Now I'm off to the new Spanish restaurant near diggz for Kuku porno (yes you heard right...they grill that kuku to perfection...as E-Sir would say. 'Si usare.") Woi!
Fab weekend everyone.

Random...

So it's s slow, extremely slow Friday. Nothing to do in the office other than play solitaire (the bosses are away)...hurray!!

Random thots of the day:

So if you had plans of snatching up Beyonce's man, think again. Beyonce will scream in your ear and give you a headache- (well she is from the 'burbs of Houston and so cannot hold her own in a cat fight). Bey is slamming her mini-me Rihanna (aka Rihyonce)on her song 'Ring the Alarm' or so insiders say. I don't know why she is complaining because compe ni compe roho safi. Her mantra is that she will not leave her man(who is a certified playboy) because he buys her things. WTH?!! You will stay with a dog coz you don't want the next chic to end up wearing a chincilla coat?? (Thank God for the agriculture classes i had in primary school, i can skin the rabbit myself and make that damn coat!). Plus Bey ain't that much of an angel herself. I say, let them duke it out and may the best blonde weave...ahem, girl win!

Oprah is still trying to convince everyone and herself that she is strait. LOL! Oprah please!! Trying to attach Steadman to your side with crazy-glue ain't gonna make us beleivers. Your tales are legendary!!

So Diddy is a daddy for the 3rd time running. Only this time it's a baby girl. The person i feel sorry for is Kim Porter who is such a doormat for that man, it's amazing how she is able to walk upright. It was worse when he dumped her for a public affair with J-Lo and went on to make 2 songs about her after they broke-up, then he goes on and has a kid with some chick...DAMN!! That's gotta hurt.

Once in a while i will tune to Capitalfm and get to know what's all going on in the motherland. I gotta say, that station has changed alot...and not for the best. The presenters hardly have any personality. Has someone ever told them that it's radio and not tv so we can't see them?! So the personality has to be on point so that the listeners can get the picture in their minds. First off those accents they have on? They have got to go. WTH?!! It's not British nor American. Who coaches those people?! I miss those days of Phil, Zain, Bob and Jo. Now that was some good radio. You would laugh your heart out and enjoy some good music. Now i will pay them $20 just to keep quiet and play music non-stop.

On my way to the bank today, i came across a fatal accident. The guy had been on a bike-with no helmet- and he had been hit from the back and was lying dead on the side of the road. I got shivers when i saw that. I feel sorry for his family. Be safe out there people, you only have one life.

After hanging out in the office for 3 hours staring into space, it's finally time to go home!!! Enjoy your weekend.

Being Real

At what point in the relationship do you unveil your real self?

Well that was the question asked on a talk radio show. The host said that she can pretend to be someone else for about 7 months before dropping the act. A bunch of people called in and gave different views ranging from 3 months to the second after you get married/ have a baby.

I don't have a clear cut answer for that. All i know is that aat this point in my life, pulling an act is waaaaay overboard for me. Yeah it was cute when i was 20 and trying to impress a certain bloke, but now...hell to the nah!! I am what i am and if you don't like it, well honey, keep it moving.

Don't get me wrong, i wont cuss you out or show up for the date with rollers on my head, a mud pack on my face and a nightgown. Nah! I'm get cleaned up and act right but, i will be strait up with you, no clowning.

If i don't like mountain climbing, i will let you know before you set me up on a trek to Nandi hills.
I don't get it when chicks/ guys pretend to like something the other person likes so as not to 'rock the boat' early in the relationship and then later on when they are married and stuff, they drop the ball that they were just doing it to please you. Arrghhh! The hell...??!!

I know you have to be accomodating and all that in the begining and it's always good to try new things. But if i know that in my heart of hearts i vowed never to eat calamari (that's squid for those of you about to reach for the dictonary). And trying to take me to a fancy four star French/Italian restaurant doesn't mean i will change my mind about it. Uh-uh, pass me the fried chicken and the hot sauce please!

Another part of being real that was discussed is farting...yes and men let it be known that:
1) Don't try to defend your fart, it does stink!!
2) No, i am not going to fart infront of you as pay back.
3) No , i don't believe that the last fart you did just ponyokad (slipped out)while you were holding it in.

Of course the men who called in had no problem whatsoever with their reckless farting all over the place.

It's bad enuff trying to enter a bathroom 5 minutes after a man has been in there for almost a lifetime, but having you farting at every opportunity you get when we are chilling coz im now your babe and we cool like that(plus the fact that you will be blaming those tacos and burritos you ate at lunch) ain't gonna fly with me.
Don't be messing up my sofa or bedsheets...eeeww!!
My opinion is if you gotta do it do it in the bathroom or when you are in your own space. Don't try to choke me to death with your toxic nerve gas release all the while singing for me the Jah rule/ J-Lo song: "I'm real."

Lights out

It's been a steam bath the last couple of days. So when my trusted weather man (insert Nguata Francis or the hilarious adaptation of Shariff Nasir by redykyulass) said that we were expecting some showers, boy was i glad. Little did i know what would transpire as a result of having been running around my teepee like the Red Indidan that i am, praying for rain.

I had the day off. So i spent it the best way i know how...in bed. I slept and finally dragged myself out at around noon. It was already sizzling outside so even my plans to go to the bank were but on the back burner. After brunch which consisted of cereal, i went back to bed...again.
Hunger pangs finally got the best of me plus i wanted to save on electricity so i left the house at around 3pm. I was already disappointed with the weather forecast. I had been hoping that the rain would have started so that it could cool off. I dropped by the local library- for a read as well as enjoy their free a/c while at it.
Not long after it started raining and i just don't mean, a little sprinkle here and there, it was wicked weather.

After the weather finally subsided i head back home. I gotta say i never thought i would ever experience this in a country that brags about being a 1st world: powert had gone out. It was still early so i thot to myself, this wont last the lights will be back in about 30 minutes.

1 hour later...

Still no power.

It started to rain...again and i decided, "Why not take a nap after all it was still early and by the time i wake up the power will be back."

I woke up at 9pm and the power was still not restored.

I went into a slight panic...

I found out that i had forgotten all my "Power outage survival skills" that i had when i was back in Jamhuri.
I had no torch, matches, lighter, tilly lamp and the only candle i have is a scented one.
I hop over to my neighbor with my scented candle and ask for matches. I asked what's going on with the power, coz trust me these people have no patience- you know someone on the block had called the police station, the power company, 311 and 411. Something to do with the storm knocking out a transformer bla bla bla and the kicker was that they would restore power at around 4.23am, i know AM!! WT...H?!!
It's a Friday people, there may not be anything worth flipping or setting TiVo for (Kaggz) but darn it i needs my electricity, even if i will be using it to watch C-SPAN.

I head back to the house and decide to make most out of it. On my coffee table is a Ludlum that i had started reading last September but never got round to finishing it. So here i am holding the book over my Yankee Candle trying my best to get my read on. After about an hour i can't take it. I go for a ride, to see just how bad this power crisis is and would you know, it's only 2 blocks that are in the dark. Now i'm envious of the rest of the people with power. I don't know them, but i feel like making a visit to their comfy, air-conditioned house and ask for a glass of cold milk.

Now your probably saying, "Si you could have gone out?" Well you see this is not like the estate back home where we would all gather outside and make plots for the evening. Most of the people here tend to keep to themselves, well unless you live in the projects where Nay-nay and 'em will be outside on the steps yelling and cussing people out.
Plus, holding the candle jar over my closet looking for something cute to wear- that will probably need some ironing- was not exactly thrilling and it feels like 85 degrees in the room.
So i decide to fish for my phone and call somebody- okay anybody at this point- and just like in those crazy horror movies, my phone needs to be recharged (i have 2 bars left!) After a call here and there checking out on people i have spoken to in months, my phone dies in the middle of a conversation! I turn it back on and try calling back and it clearly tells me "Battery needs recharging" and goes off again. The car charger is the only one that would work right about now and i can't dare venture outside with that lighting flashing like paparazzi cameras. Uh-uh i am not going down toasted.

Next plan of action...sleep.
With the help of my trusted candle i look for a sleep aid, coz at this point my body is tired of sleep and i have to lure it down. The only entertainment i have is my CD man- thank God for small mercies, it actually had batteries in it.I look around for my "We are the world headphones". After i saw that report on i-pods and going deaf, the bigger the headphones the better.

Finally fell asleep 2 hours later and for some strange reason i wake up at 3:52am expecting to find power back on...nada!

The power was finally restored at around 11am this morning.

I honestly felt like life had come to an end just because i did not have electricity. Could this be the effects of being too westernized?

So my question to you is if you live abroad, have you ever gone thru a black-out situation and if so what did you do?

:(

When will summer be over so that regular tv shows can resume?

Summer shows blow- MAJOR!! Can't stand them.

And most of all...I miss the Prison Break.

*sniff,sniff*

Things that make you go eish?!

Summertime is here and you know what that means: bbqs and beach bumming non-stop.

Here's my observation on the kenyan man at a bash near you.

Disclaimer:Sorry i gotta throw the mwananchi under the bus...for now.

Having been to several Kenyan bashes, i gotta admit i tend to get this 'deja vu' all the time.
Normally i don't roll with the kenyan croud as much now as i did before.(Been there, done that and have moved one).
I still love my people, as much as they are disfunctional, haters, liars, will sleep with your partner, back-stab etc etc.
You check into the compound and you can clearly tell were your peeps are at coz the ngoma is pure genge and there's always a civilian with a loud kicheko, teeth all out, gums showing. By the time you get to the door, you are already anticipating a good time. Then you check into the crib...

The first people you meet in the living room are chicks, in small groups just chatting away. Oh, and the tv is on and on Lifetime. Which makes me wonder if a crazed gunman entered the diggz, mamaz would be 1st to be lalishwad chini for life and where are the men, pray tell? In the kitchen/ dining room area (basically where the feed or music is) huddled together holding beer bottles, looking like they were banished from the living room for life.
Yaani syke just ishas on the spot. Iz of how?

Why, o why do kenyan men never mingle with kenyan mamaz in a bash? I don't mean all but a good % just stand around looking lost, others are busy ogling you down trying to figure out what color panties you got on while others are just plain staring at ya which is mighty creepy.

You can tell the guys wanna get close but the will just keep giving you the puppy eyed look for about 4 hours until you bump into him at the 'eats table' when you are busy trying to pack your plate with kachumbari and chapo.
Now that is not the best time to approach a chick coz as much as we are trying to put tons of salad and only 1 drumstick on our plate (to show that we don't eat much). We are secretly wishing that you would step away so that we can pile on the plate and take it back to our corner.
Plus chances of me remembering your name while my eyes are feasting on a bowl of pilau are slim to none.

I am not bashing the men, please i know kenyan mamas are not a walk in the park too. Yes we stare you down, whisper something to our pal about you and giggle, roll our eyes and whatnot but hey?...it is what it is in the animal kingdom. I know its almost 2010- and we are all jam packing a KQ flight to go watch the World Cup in S.A- still, mamaz as much as we have it on and popping and doing our thing, we still want the man to make the first move. It's innate. I mean we can step up to you but then we will be branded as hussies, fast ass and whatnot, which may not be the case, but i will not delve into the small mindedness of some men. Sometimes we want to you to step up and say something...

It would greatly help if:

1)When you come up to me, be confident in your delivery. A ka-weak 'hi, what's your name' and all the while looking like you are about to shrink out of your skin is a major turn-off. Kwani you haven't eaten? you hungry or something?!

2) When you get my pals to make me come over to where y'all are so that you can get to chat me up, relax bana. I don't eat people, neither am i the FBI coming to quiz you about some incident involving narcotics. The guy is sooo tense he is tripping over his words, you don't have to unleash everything about yourself in one breath.

3) You maintain eye contact. Okay let me just tetea myself here. I suck with names big time, but i remember faces and places. If you are being shifty with your eyes, i will remember you as "nanii, the jamma with the throwback jersey, sijui he told me he is from Chi-town..."

4) You got the hint. No means no. If you are trying to throw darts and unangukia patupu, please let me be. It ain't gonna work.

5) You did not come up to me drunk as a skunk, sluring words and nyeshaing on my face, telling me to take your business card and call you tomorrow for a lunch date.
You are clearly not Micheal Power despite drinking Guinness all night long. Keep your beer breath and slury words to yourself.


Here's the kicker: when a Kenyan dude has wack game, mamaz lenga his vibe and she ends up with a foreigner (insert Naija, kenyan men arch-nemesis) and peeps get mad they are calling for your blood. It ain't our fault that their corrupt talk got us all in a tizzy. LOL! Chelewa chelewa...
I'm not saying they are better that our men, neither am i a paid spokesperson to advocating for them...

*sigh*

I guess all i'm trying to say is: kijana weka beer chini, straiten out them shoulders and act right. That's all.

Blog tagged

After being tagged by Spicebear. Here goes me:

1)I am a tvnista by heart. Normaly i cram the Primetime line-up of several tv shows. That way i'm able to watch two or three shows at the same time. In this age of TiVo, i still love to watch my shows live rather than record and watch later.

2) I love to laugh. I always look for laughter in everything. When i mean laugh i don't mean those slight chuckles or nervous laughter that people have. I am talking a good hearty belly ribs-aching laugh that starts all the way from the toes. Sometimes i will remember something funny i heard or read somewhere and i will burst out laughing while i am trying to fall asleep and then i have to wake-up and sit on the bed until the episode passes otherwise i will not be able to fall asleep.

3) I can't eat without first washing the pots and pans i used to prepare the meal. There's something about dirty dishes in the sink while eating that puts me off. I do the same thing when i visit my pals. I will volunteer to wash the dishes before i sit down to eat.

4)I once trimmed my eyelashes just to get to one pesky lash that kept on getting into my eye. Boy did i look weird after that! I had to put on tons of mascara after that and wore shades thruout till they grew back. My eyes looked much larger than normal and kept feeling the wind in my eyes. Never did that again.

5) When i sleep i rotate on the bed. I first start off on my left side then turn to onto my belly, then turn to my right side and then on my back. And i do this all night.Oh and all this time i have wrapped myself like a mummy leaving only space for the nose (effects of coming from a mosquito-based area).
I also fidget for about 30-45 mins before i quiet down right after i enter bed. This usually surprises anyone who tries to share my bed.

6) When i sleep on a foreign bed i never fully fall sleep, i keep waking up evey 2 hours. I normally carry a leso to put on the pillow as a reminder of my home so as to calm my senses. If it's an impromtu sleepover, i will put the top i was wearing on the pillow as a substitute.

Just for laughs!

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.


Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.


Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....


Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business


Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...


Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.


Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!


Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said - "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour!


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Alex

Does one ever recover from the traumas suffered in childhood?

I don't know. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. One thing I do know is that you never forget what happened and who did it to you.

So back in the day when I was a young'un with only a lunchbox and juice bottle to my name, I had this boy in my class who in the course of 7 months caused me sooo much anguish.

His name was Alex.

Alex already had a body bigger than most boys in my class. He was scary looking too: like a young version of Busta Rhymes...I kid you not. He was a Tzdian by nationality and the worst part was that he liked me...A LOT!

You see when I was growing up then, unlike today, having a boyfriend or rather confessing your feeling about someone when you were not yet old enough to vote was unheard of, sort of taboo.

So here I am in 3rd grade and this boy is going round telling everyone in my class that I am his girlfriend. I have no clue what that word meant but I didn't like it tagged on to me esp when I had not asked in the 1st place.

At first when I heard the fununuz going round, I denied them and continued doing my coloring. Which I was pretty good at. Coloring within the lines was my specialty.
I kept on ignoring Alex's moves towards me.

1) If he was planning to talk to me during breaktime I would run off with my best friend to the girls' swings where he would not dare come close.

2) During assembly (thank God I was made a prefect after a few months so I did not have to hold hands with the boys to and from in the lines).
Alex would wait and see where I was position in the line and then come and cut the guy I was holding hands with so that it would me and him. Sometime I refused to hold his hand other times, I would give him the cuff of my sweater to hold and turn my face the other way so that I would not have to look at him.

3) During hometime I would make sure I was in a group (because I had informed a few people to be my bodyguards) LOL! That way he he would not try to zindi me home (they used to live across the street from us so which literally ruined my chances of hepaing him every single day).

This went on for about 2 semesters. The more I ingored him and tried to shake him off my trail the more persistant he became. It was soo stressful going to school knowing that Alex was going to be there. I would pray that he would fall sick and not show up...alas! He used to be among the 1st people I would see when I entered the class. I could not tell my parents about it...please that is like the least of their worries, they have hungry mouths to feed. I did not have any evidence to take to my teacher about it, I mean he wasn't shaking me for my lunch money,he wanted me for lunch! LOL!
He tried to buy me mabuyus and kashataz as a way of appeasing me but I still did not want anything to do with him.
Things came to a head one day when my one of my close friends told me that there was a picture of me in the boys bathroom with Alex doing tabia mbaya. I sprung into action so fast it would have made the Pangani Flying Squad look like retirees.
I went to the boys bathroom and lo and behold there was a stick figure of me with my name alongside it and Alexe's stick figure next to it and they had drawn a line from his genitals-or rather where they are supposed to be on a stick figure- to mine(which indicated having sex).
I got out and went and asked around if anyone saw who had drawn that picture of me. Word got back to me that it was Alex who did it and was seen in the flesh doing it during the evening recess.

I went home and cried my eyes out. I could not believe the humiliation. After a few days of being simmering in anger I finally decided to end this harassment. I went up to him and asked him if he was the one who had drawn me in the boys bathroom. He answered in the affirmative. I asked him why he did it. He had no answer. I proceeded to give him a msomo that set his ass strait. I forced him to go to the bathroom and clean up the wall where he had drawn me and apologise to me. Oh and I went to check to see if it was done. I told him to never speak to me again...Ever in class. I he needs permission to go to the bathroom (coz I was a prefect) I was never going to give him and if he dares to disobey me I will not only staki him to the class teacher but I do have an older brother that can teach him a lesson as well.

After that incident Alex kept away from me and there were no more sightings of my stick figure in any bathroom. Later on, he transferred to God know where and I was sooo happy to be left in peace that lasted for a few years until I got to 7th grade and then another boy started professing his love...

Unlike back then when only a handful of classmates knew and class would close out at 1pm with the famous tune of: "Naskia sauti, sauti ya mama, sasa ni saa sita, kwaheri mwalimu..."
This was when I was a tweenie, puberty had kicked in and we used to stay for after school classes plus the whole stream knew about it!!

Teen trauma

Of all the things that traumatized me in my youth, nothing tops the list like going to shaggz. Oh, there was something about being packed like sardines and being whisked away to gishagi for the 3 hellish weeks that just made me get sick to my stomach.

You see shaggz was always our vacation destination and I don't mean going down at coast-o where at least I would spend my days swimming endlessly. Nope. I mean going to visit some nondescript grandma who lives on some slopes somewhere where the KTN signal did not reach coz, there were too many damn hills.

Yes, you can say it. I am a traitor to my roots and I am damn proud of it! Some people are turned on about going to the country side, but not me. I am a city gal thru and thru.

After years of suffering, I rounded up my siblings and told them that I was going to start a revolt concerning those trips and they had to back me up when the face-off happened. I gathered up courage and tell my parents that we will no longer be joining them on their trips to 'visit' grandma for 3 weeks. If she wants to see us, she can come to the city. Let's ust say a kamkunji was called pronto and elections were called. It was unanimous,the kids won by a landslide:no more going shaggz during the holidays. Ha! And they say being a rebel doesn't pay.

You see when we used to go to shaggz when we were younger, it was fun coz other cousins would show up and we would have tons and tons of fun. But when we hit the teenage phase (truth be told when I finally landed me a ka-boifi) going to shaagz especially after being in boarding school for like 3 months was putting a damper on my plans of some holiday loving.

Yaani the minute I checked into the diggz with my school box, I was handed my holiday itineary at the gate courtesy of our mboch. "Ati nini?" I would ask her. "Eeehh munaenda ushago Monday." she would reply grinning. Crap, so you know what that means. I have to only 3 days of being kunjwad before my exile kicks in.

Monday comes faster than I thot. Before long we are packing the car. As we are getting in, I am having an out of body experience: I imagine myself jumping out of the car onto my mom's flower bed and climbing the wall, oblivious to the cuts I am receiving from the rose bushes and the broken glass on top of the wall. I run to the front door and grab the the buglar-proof and scream out "You are not taking me alive!!!" and while I pass out "Blaze of Glory" by G'n'R is blaring in the air.

Back to reality,I meekly submit to higher authority and know it is going to be a long trip. Mom has carried her Don Moen tapes (yap we were not operating a CD player car back then). Before we even pull out she has put one in and there are 3 more tapes to go and I am having this feeling of wanting to pull out my hair one by one so that by the time we fika cucu's I am partially bald and bleeding.

I am sitting next to the window so that I can watch my life pass me by and watch the city disappear in the distance while I slowly die inside.

Halfway thru the journey, the issue of masomo pops up. Crap!

Mara we are not studying seriously, mara it's the fact that school fees is high and money is not going on trees. Then the old tale of how they would rise up everyday at 4 am, collect firewood, fetch water,milk the cows, feed the livestock and walk 100 miles to school bare-foot and still were able to be number one.
Okay so am I suppose to feel like some priviledged kid coz I am not walking bare foot to school or milking cows?

Then the convo turns to my phone habits (cell phone were only for the wealthy then)and the way I am always on the phone everytime I am home for the holidays. "You can tell everytime 'kelitu' is in town," says my dad. "The phone never stops ringing. Ile simu iko hapo ni yangu. Hata hao naokupigia simu, they are using their parents phone and running up their phone bills." My dad believe that even receiving a phone call ran up your phone bill.

This vibe will go on for about 2 hours...I am this close to opening the car door and jumping out in protest. Don Moen is still singing.

We get to a pit-stop and we are bought for lunch and all the while being told how lucky and grateful we should be coz not everyone is bought for samosaz and sodaz by their parents. It's a priviledge and that should be enough incentive to make us when we go back to school and read har and become number 1.

Back on the road again and now the topic changes to how we should not have boyfriends/ girlfriends because we might get AIDS and die like mtoto was so and so and die before reaching our potential. Haya shortly it about using drugs and how we should say no to drugs and smoking coz if we dared become addicts, we would be deserted by the side of the road and should never try to find our way back to their house.

Surely by the time we got to the village, we were sooo beaten down spiritually and morally that we were happy just to get out of the car. Grandma as usual is happy to see us and so are we. We ask if our cousins- any of them at this point- are coming down as well.
Nope they ain't.
Crap! Someone kill me now.
I pick my bag and shown my room. WTH?!
Is that a bat hanging on the corner of the room looking very comfy in the room than I would?
I want to scream out by I can't.

Here's to happy vacation.

Yeeah!!

Finally, finally finally. Tyra Banks got it right. After last year's uproar, i am glad she chose to over look D's 'accent' and instead focus on her potential.
Brava.

Heeelp!

Ist Encounter

I have decided to blog on the first time I got slayed.

*GASP*

Please do looked shocked and clutch your pearls at the same time. What a mess it was!

So my guy at the time, after dating for a while was huku bragging to me the way he wants to slay me proper. Ati once I have him I will never go back. So after being told time and time again on how I am missing out on serious strokes, chickdee decided why not.
P/S: Kijana was too sawa with the oral stuff. Yaani my toes would curl and my nappy roots would straiten. He was t-h-a-t good.

So one day I stuad him and out of the blue I told him I want strokes all the way. Okay so I should have known by the uso wa mshangao he gave me that the slay my not be up to per. But what did I know, I was a naive girl from the slopes of Shimba hills.

I knew I was going to his crib a ka-innocent chick and coming out a full-fledged mama. Don't blame me. I had read all those Mills& Boon, Harlequins and Ecstacy Supremes, and the way those female characters were changed after strokage.Which mama doesn't want all that? Hell and it was about time coz I had heard that Jesus was coming back when the clock struck midnite in 1999...

After serious rubs, coz the dude was working me like a stripper on a pole on a Friday night. I was good, moist and ready.
I had brought my own supply of condoms,coz I was not about to get preggers after the 1st tryout.(Shout out to the pharmacy in Corner House ground floor. You still there?! One of the pharmacist there knew me on a face to face basis.Aki he knew even my favorite brand LOL!).

Brother puts on the rubber and proceeds to breaking and entering. I began to freak-out and hyper-ventilating. We had kadhaa false starts coz I was to busy babbling to even relax:

"Wait, wait. Let me catch my breath."
"Haya wait I exhale again."
"My leg is cramping, I can't feel my leg."
"Are you sure that condom is on right?"
"No I am not trying another position. I want it missionary. The way God made it to be."
"Ouch, ouch, could you be more gentle that that?"
"Ouch I did not say you get out. Work with me here."
"Okay if you take off that condom, i will slap you with it."
"Oh my God. I'm choking."

The guy was more calm that i am.

So now that strokes are about to begin. I am hoping that the following strokage effects will occur:
1)Fireworks
2)Earthmoving
3)The rapture

Instead, it was this:

...Crickets chirping...

The room was quiet and i wasn't about to break that monotony with some weird sound that sounded like a moan...hapana!
I am sooo feeling shy. Can't look at his face. I have connected with his shoulders and silently praying that this will be over soon. In the middle of strokes i go like "Could we please move to the middle of the bed coz you are banging my head aganist the wall." We silently slither to the middle of the bed.

After a few minutes, he suggests that we switch-up position.
Now I am on top.
So very awkward.
What am I going to connect with? The wall? This South-coast finest ain't about to ride this guy like a pony- unless his was Ginuwine. So i lay on him and tell him the motion is all on him.

5 Minutes later.

I get off and head over to the other side of the bed...in a daze.

Few minutes of silence pass.

He turns to me and says: "Si we go for another rao?"

I am silently dying inside and cringing...

"No thanks. I would like to get home before it's dark."
"Why what's wrong? Did you not enjoy it? Did you come?"

This is what i should have shouted at him." Oh Hell Naw!! What in the name of strokage was that?!!"

But i said this:" No.I just want to go home."

Actually i wanted to go home and douse myself in Jik.

He asks if i want to shower with him.
I decline.(The sooner i get outta here the better).
He walks me home.
I live on the other side of the estate.

He apologizes for not satisfying me.
I say it's okay: Beginners miss-luck

He offers for another try for next sato.
My eyes are rolling internally.
Saying to self:" How can i dump this guy? I love him, he is my bofie. The sex sucks. What to do?"

He gets me home.
Pecks me on the cheek.
Says bye.
I half-walk, half-run to the showers.
I am using anthing i can find: dettol, lifebouy, protex.

Called my guy-buddy and ranted like a mad mama.

What a thrill that was!!

Meanwhile...

Yaani i can't blog...mathe is breathing down my neck wanting to know what i am writing on the comp, (i was going with the updating resume, lakini now she is asking why i am updating it every other day).

I got this statement from a pal..

P/S: Take it lightly

And…Men are like fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

The Visit

Oh! What a crazy several days it has been. I have been soo busy running up and down trying to make her royal highness- mother- feel at home. Yes momma's in town!!

So i have turned into a 24-7 butler, cook, chauffeur, tour guide and maid. I am as tired as a runaway slave!

Mother's visit was not a surprise, actually i knew about it 3 months in advance. It wasn't until she finally arrived that it finally hit me- this ish is for real!!

What is it about parents- esp moms that make you(a grown ass man/woman) feel like an 8 year old? I have been busy putting things in and about my life in order or rather on lockdown. Let it be know that my mom is a God-fearing woman and anything remotely demonic, she is not afraid to kemea it.

Here are some of the things that have had to change drastically:

• Been looking for a Christian radio station in my car radio since i am her full-time driver bila benefits. I tell you where is Waumini FM when you need it?! I am always on those non-stop hip-hop stations or listening to genge. I resulted to buying some Ron Kenoly and Don Moen CD's. Haki if one of y'all owns a Munishi CD or even tape-will take anything at this point- i highly appreciate.

• My TV ADD is coming to a halt. I have 2 telis in the house but we have to sit together and watch one and she is not appreciating my channel surfing ways. "Ebu nione hiyo commercial" is her mantra now. Also i had to put a password on some channels- BET to be exact- Lord know what she would say if she saw all that booty shaking.

• There are changes in the sleeping department as well. I can no longer wear something sexy to bed (sleepwear entitles a slip with no panties- love to be unrestricted). Manze i had to go buy some serious cotton pj's. I feel like a mono back in high school. WTH?! All i need is a bad mattress and pillow to match.

• My weekend pleasure, going to Barnes and Nobles and reading Hustler or King Magazine is no more. I am now walking right past them and heading for the T.D Jakes section. How can one explain to one's parent what you are trying to get out of a magazine who's front cover has a heavy-bottom chick in something that would make dental floss look like a priestly robe?

• Oh and forget all that self- pleasure business. Gone are the days of enjoying walking around the crib naked eating ice-cream. Or laying on the couch and getting to know myself better...Ahem! LOL!! Thank goodness i don't own a rabbit- i cannot talk myself out of that mess if she ever found one. So, i am officially operating from the shower, which is kind of hard coz boy if i miss a step, slip and fall. Nitasema nilikuwa niki-do nini?!

• And no more booty calls, phone sex or sleeping out. I am going diggz strait after work- no funny business. The lady is silently keeping a timer: how long i am on the phone, what time the call came in, am i whispering and speaking in cryptic codes, asks what time i get off work every other day. I tell you this lady should have worked for the KGB...

Now before y'all paint me with the 'crazy-daughter' brush. My mom and i have taken a step back and reviewed our relationship. We no longer fight each other and she forgave me for giving her countless headaches with boys,booze and clubbing when growing up. I forgave her for the times she threw me out of the house- yes it got to that on several occasions but i refused to leave the diggz. LOL! May blog about it someday. I am no longer that wild rebellious teen- no for real though. I done grown into a very responsible lady- still a freak but responsible.

On the positive side, at least i finally have someone waiting for me after a long day's work, oh and a hot plate of cooked food (not those TV dinners that i am famous for). It's not going to be that bad, for the next few weeks. We have become very good friends and she is one person always on my corner cheering me on.

LOVE HER!!

Therefore i am willing to compromise on some things. One thing i will not be changing is my greeting. I am not switching from "hey how ya doin" to "Bwana asifiwe sana." Momma please, ebu chill and let me be.

Proud to be a mwananchi!!

Blog'd

Inspired by the hit show punk'd, i decided to blog someone(KBW finest- Nicholas Gichu) instead of punk them.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and is generated strictly for laughs.

Nick's real age is 32 but keeps insisting on being 27. Truth be told, mother nature has been kind to him. He is sort of a late bloomer. He could easily pass for 25 since he doesn't own much facial hair, has a scrawny looking and neither is he sporting the famous beer belly that is prevalent in his age-group buddies. It's all good for Gich boy.

So, how does he pull off the "I'm 27 years old" scam? Simple: he owns a real-fake ID. Real in that it has nick's real photo and name, fake in that it says place of birth to be Gatundu when in reality it's Machakos, but lets keep that on the DL for now.

Nick has one MAJOR obsession: Spider-man! Not just the movies and the comic books, nope it's the whole shebang. He own the spiderman mug, lunch-box (which he claims will earn in a good profit on e-bay one day), t-shirts, bed sheets (yes he does!). Anything spidey, he's got.

His obsession started at a young age. Actually right after his folks thought that he was going a little bit carried away with his then obsession: Danger Mouse. Having the t-shirt was fine, but after he started insisting on having the red telephone and hydrant props as well as miniature bombs, folks had to think fast and bought him tons of Marvel comics which he still has to date.

His room is also tricked out in the spider-man theme.He earns good cheese, but he has refused to move out of his parents esq. He moved in after coming back from college on the pretext of being a broke grad tarmarcking but 10 years later, he is in no hurry to pack up and leave. He alwasy considers himself the 'shadow-minister of security'. Making sure that the watchies do what they are supposed to, including washing his latest ride: VW Jetta-which has received the goverment's highest award for front and side crash testing, but does he say?!

Let's enter his room or "The Spider Web" as he so fondly calls it.

The walls are painted in blue and red and spiderman posters are posted all over them, except for his 'Hero's wall' where he proudly displays his Rambo, Rocky, Commando and Scarface posters.
He has his bed painted red as well and every weekend, he covers it with his Spiderman comforter.
On the ceiling, is a web-like goo which he got courtesy of Milo(who annually attends the Comic conference in Las Vegas). It also glows in the dark!
Nick likes to sport his Spider-man jump suit. It may have shrunk due to frequent washing but that does not deter him one bit. The arms may be reaching his elbows and the pants are now effecting a 'biker' look since they are up to his calves (zgwembez), but don't tell him to give it to his younger cousins, nope it's his weekend get-up. While he finishes straighting up his room, he is listening to his favourite group on his i-pod: Katitu Boys (he is a closet fan).

There's a knock on the door and enter his long long long-suffering girfriend: Njeri. She is a beatiful gal with long gorgeous hair, she works for a printing company in the city. They have been together since their 3rd year in college. Njeri has been thru it all with Nick, from the incident where he did not have enough money to pay for their dinner in a 3 -star restaurant that resulted in Nick having to stay behind to peel potaoes. To when they had to walk to the nearest bus-stop in the pouring rain after the car Nick had borrowed from his buddy-for flossing purposes only- stalled on the higway after a nite-out. Njeri has decided to kick him to the curb, but when he showed up at her doorstep the next day with a dozen roses, 2 teddy bears(one said "I'm sorry" the other "I love You") and cans of chicken soup to nurse her back to health from the chill, her heart melted and forgot the break-up speech she had been rehearsing.

"Hey Babie, wassup?!" she quips cheerily
"Nothing much, chilling." he replys and quickly forwards his i-pod playlist to Greenday.

Njeri is already come to terms that Nick will never give up his Spiderman ways, so she stopped nagging him about it.
She sits on the bed and Nick follows her and assumes the 'lounge-mode" position: back aganist the wall and feet on the egde of the bed.

"Ewww. Nick when was the last time you clipped your toe nails?! They look nasty!!" Njeri exclaims.
"Si the last time you clipped them." he replys lazily.
"Babe that was 3 months ago. Don't they bother you?"
"Nope, i'm not a chick. No one sees my toes. I am in socks all the time and besides they are not that long."
"You know i can't stand them. I will clip them."

Njeri gets up and looks for the nail-clippper and finds it where she left it 3 months ago. Picks up the newspaper -from the stack that is behind the door- and comes back to bed.
(Nick considers himself an upcoming poet and keeps old newspapers so that he can get his poetic mojo after reading the comic "Love is...")

"Aii babie, that's why i love you." Nick proclaims. "You take very good care of me."
"Mmmh- hmmm." Njeri replys.
"I'm serious babe. Were it not for you, i don't know where i would be." He then proceeds to belt out his favourite tune"Coz you are deadly, shapely, sexy, especially..."

Njeri smiles and continues clipping away. "Hey babie, you know jana i went for Betty bridal shower and it was off the chain."

Warning bell go off in Nick head: Danger danger!

Njeri goes on for about 5 minutes talking about the bridal shower. "...so babe when do you think we can get married?"
"Eh?!" Nick asks. "Babe, si we are like married?"
"No i mean, the whole thing, i want to be married in a church, white dress, cake and my cucu's have to sing for me in the background."

Silence

"Oh i see you don't want to marry me eh? All this time i have been wasting here with you!" Njeri is close to tears.
"Sweetie, it's not like that. Of course i will marry you. It's just that us jammaz don't view marriage the same way you chick do. We are very analytical. K has to remain constant while the other variables change..."
"Now what nonsense is that your saying. Are you trying to talk your way out of a commitment? Njeri angrily asks. "Coz i was watching this show and it got me thinking..."
"Babie, Babie, babie." Nick quickly jumps in."I told you not to listen to Oprah's advice, she has refused to marry Steadman."
"I am not talking about Oprah, Nick." Njeri snaps back.
"Sawa not Oprah, but Tyra is no better either, she is a supermodel. What does she know about marriage?"
Njeri sighs."Not it's not Tyra either."
"Then which show is this that has you soo upset babie" he asks with a puzzled look on his face."
Njeri turns to Nick and says slowly." The Bachelor."
Nick bursts out laughing." Babe, the bachelor is a fake show. Don't beleive anything they do."
"But it's a reality show. How can it be fake?"
"Coz those guys never marry any of the chicks they choose. Aiii babie, wacha mambo ya rose-giving ceremony. I am the real deal"

Njeri sighs.

Nick quickly changes the topic. "Babe did i tell you i won the Kaybee awards for the coolest blog."
"Ati what?!"Who is this KB? Is she a chick? Coz if she is the reason you don't want to marry me, i swear i will leave you!!" Njeri states with a dead look in her eyes.

Noticing that he has let out a major secret about his personal life. Nick quickly retracts his statement.

"Babe Kaybee are these awards we have at jobo for jammaz. So they awarded me with the coolest dude award"
"So what did they give you?" she asks
"Nothing really" he replies "Just the title."
"Let me get this strait, you won an award and you got nothing to show for it?" she asks
"Babe it's the title that counts." Nick says.

Njeri bursts out laughing.

'Don't laugh, i'm cool. And to show you how cool i am, i'm going to take you to that new joint in town and everything is on me." Nick says boastfully.
"Sawa, let's go."

After a quick jump in the shower. Nick appears all refreshed and energized.

When they pull off the drive way, Njeri looks at Nick and says."Honestly i do not know why i'm still in love with you."
"I know why." Nick replies confidently.
"Oh yeah. Why?"
Nick breaks out into a song." Megarider-aaaa. I gotta a megarider-aaa."

Holiday Nostalgia

I have absolutely nothing to report about this past Easter. Holidays up here really don't count as much. It was just like any other weekend to me, only difference was that i got a chance to eat more than usual on Sunday.

I miss the pomp that went with sikukuu's back in the day(when i was in primo), all the cooking, chapoz, kuku choma. The kreti za soda that my bro or uncle would bring, ( i swear it use to be like the 2nd coming of Christ) what a delight, i use to run for Krest!

I love the rave ...or rather used to (when i was in High school and campus)...trust me i used to count how many 'Super-souls' there were in a year and i would jipanga how i was going to convince my mum to let me go out. You see my mum did not believe in the rave (it was the devil's den according to her). So if she allowed me to go out on Friday, she did not see the importance of going out on Saturday. She would ask "Kwani ni music gani hii inchezwa uko hakushiba jana?!" So i had to get slick with her. Ooh and that thing of going to relaz so that we could eventually head out never worked in our home. If relaz are going to be visited it will be during the day. Mum had this thing of wanting to be informed in advance that you wanted to go out over the weekend, so that she could come up with a reason as to why you shouldn't go (i swear i ponyokad writing a thesis as to why i would want to rave...). So i had to go all hard on her. I would shower, dress up and let her know that i was going to carnivore (the only rave she knew) when in fact i was going the opposite direction.

All those lies we used to tell each other when we were doing our KCSE ati, "I'm under Yusuf..." I guess that was our Kenyan version of saying, "I'm grown." LMAO! Hey, we had to do what we needed to do...

One of the craziest super-soul i have EVER had was one that fell the same day as my birthday. I hooked up with my cousins,(for once in my life my folks allowed me to go for a 'sleep-over' we begged for about 2 weeks, we had to promise that we were not going to the rave...thank goodness no-one pulled out a Bible to swear upon).

Saturday, we hit out the club scene. Of course i was using the line"It's my Birthday!" So i was getting free drinks or as people like to say...kupewa lol! Before long a particular guy caught my eye (and what they say about women looking pretty after 2am and a dozen drinks later defiantely applied to this guy). We started flirting with each other. I stepped up to him (coz i'm bold like that, plus drunk as a skunk) told him i was digging him and would like to go check him out... So here i am, busy nibbling his ear and his girlfriend was seated next to him!! I know i know, my drunk ass ponyokad a beat-down either that or she was also on the down-low as well, coz she wasn't at all bothered with me being there.

I told the guy to meet me outside. Fifteen minutes later the dude appeared and we got to rubbing shamelessly at the door of the club (okay kids stay away from drugs). We took off and went behind a car and as we continued kissing i noticed he kept putting his fingers(the fore-fingers) into my ears...i'm like WTH?! Is that supposed to turn me on?! I kept removing his fingers but he would still go back...argghh!!
So in the heat of passion, i tell him to unleash what he is packing...DAMN!!! That was the SMALLEST penis i have ever encountered!! I had to do a double take...WTH?!! Anyway he was already out and i was like mmh...haijalishi...lemme proceed. (I know, alcohol is a mother) . He did not last long (thank God) that and plus i couldn't feel nothing. Then he goes like he wants to go down on me...HELL NAW!! I blew him off and told him it wasn't that important. So he goes like "Si we hook up tomorrow in carni then i will come with protection and we can hit the skins...?" I was like, "Sawa" and we went back inside.

Come Sunday when we headed off to carni, i had completely forgotten about the pint-sized guy, (please i was in such a haze the night before who would have remembered?). I hooked up with my pals who were busy buying shots outside. So after knocking back several sambuca shots, my head was in the right space. As i was stumbling along i got grabbed from behind...ala it's the dude from the previous night. He is like sooo excited to see me and he goes like, "I left my gal at home and i came with condoms. I am all set". I was like, "So?! I am not in the mood man."
"But i told my chick to stay home so that i could be with you?"
"Ha, tough luck buddy, i gotta go." I then proceeded to holla at a pal who was across the lawn, yaani those village hollaz "Psst, psst nanio...you! is of how?!" Left the guy mataa.

I was thinking that i shook the guy off...wapi? He was hunting for me the whole night, up to a point where i was busy ducking and weaving when i went outside. Finally he caught up with me, holding me around the waist and trying to kiss me and whatnot. I was soooo not feeling him at this point and since i had a drink in my hand i poured it on his back. He was sooo shocked he could not come up with an epithet.I walked away without looking back(yes it's by God's grace he did not wipe his shirt with my face).

I went back to my cousins and decided i was better off hanging out with them, incase beef breaks-out i was in good hands.

As fate would have it...or rather slap me one in the face, I did meet up with the guy...yes i did... in broad daylight!! I tried to hide but it was those streets where it was just the two of us approaching each other from opposite directions and turning around would look kaudu suspicious. I said greeted him and chatted a bit (I was suprised he remembered me). He wanted another date, uh-uh! I wasn't about to do THAT rematch, he is better off with his chick.lol!

Aaah! The joys & perils of Holiday drinking back in the day...nothing like it i tell you, nothing like it!

Dirty talk

Does talking dirty turn you on?

I know a few people who get turned on when their significant other talk nasty to them either before or during intercourse.

I don't mind dirty talk, not that it turns me on...naahh. I just wanna hear how your game flows. I had this guy who's best line he could come up with was, "I'mma f**k you like a rabbit." lol!(Yes this was during sex). Yaani i bursted out laughing and he got mad ati i wanted him to make a fool of himself... kijana you are doing a good job all by yourself! We ended breaking up, maybe i shouldn't have laughed all the time we got together after incident, but i could not help myself.

There a limit to the amount of dirty words you can dish out during sex. I am not a fan of guys who break out in the B-word, S-word and swearing like a sailor. WTH?! And don't give me that lie that you can't climax until you spit out a cuss word...I am not having you insult me with my ass buck-naked in mid-air. At least wait till the did is done...ala!

So if your talk skills are not that good, it always helps to be polite.

• Be nice and compliment me(you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that mamaz love being complimented). It does a woman good to be told that she is more beautiful when naked.
• Be realistic. Don't comparing my ass to Beyonce's...gimme a break!!You might talk yourself out of some ass.

I'm not a fan of being katiwad in swa. And worse dirty talk in swa...WTH?! Before you break out into that famous tune "Kiswahili kitukuzwe, kwani ni lugha ya taifa..." I love swahili, but in a regular conversation type of setting. When it comes to bedroom dialogue, oh hell to the naw!!. I mean what do you want me to break out in, a thong or a kamusi?!

Seriously, i'm not knocking off your hassle if your from coast or TZ. Your probably good at your game. But man, if you is from the city with shaky swa, you better hush up and let your tongue do the talking.

I did a little translation of a few words and it had me running to the hills in laughter. Here are my top 5

5. I love it when you give me head- "Ninapenda unaponipa kichwa" Huh?. Kwani ni kichwa ya mbuzi.

4. Turn around i want to see that ass- "Geuka ningependa kutazama hilo tako."

3. I want to hit that from the back- "Nataka kukububuta kutoka kwa nyuma"

2. Spank me - "Ni charaze" LOL!

1. Oh Yes Yes. I'm coming, i'm coming - "Na'am na'am. Naja najaaaa"

I'm just saying, swa should be left alone in the classroom.

Woman

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who Always makes her Laugh... And one Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhoodMay not have been Perfect...
but; Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and Wouldn't Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone... even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go..
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in:
a day...
A month...
And a year.

21 Questions...not literally

Musically Speaking...

Why can't Eminem stay married to his baby mama?

Can Mary J Blige stick to singing and never try to rap again... ever?

Is Hov still retiring from the game?

Isn't JadaKiss the most under rated rapper in the game?

Can Keisha Coles outsing Beyonce?

Isn't the Wu the greatest clan ever?

Who lied to Jada Pinkett-Smith that she could pass for a rocker chic?

What in Karuiki's name happened to Ja Rule?

Is R. Kelly still coming out of the closet ama the lock has jammed?

Is it safe for the fugees to get back together?

Isn't Kci (Kci &Jojo) the poster child of the harmful effects of madawa ya kulevya?

Can somebody please give Michelle Williams(Destiny's Child) a bagel with cream cheese?

Isn't GGGG the most over rated unit ever?

Why do all D4L songs have the same beat?

Is Usher still in the confession box?

What happened to Diddy's gal group from 'Making the band 3'?

Does Dave Chappelle do a better impersonation on lil' Jon than lil' Jon himself?

Are the Pussycat Dolls America's lame answer to the Spice Girls 10 years later?

Isn't 'Tical 2000-Judgement Day', one of the best album's ever made?

What's up with Lil' Kim's lips? Was she bee stung?

Doesn't that song 'Grillz' just stick in your head after hearing it about 20 times in one day?

Who's the real King of the South?

Are you fresh azimiz?

Tv Fast Break

So,

Who is Ryan Seacrest trying to fool with that Mountain Man beard, trying to act 'strait'? Child please we know your preference.

Can Oprah give us fresh shows? I am soooo tried of the re-runs.

Speaking of talk shows, why is the Tyra show still on?

Is Katie Couric that powerful? She annouced her departure from the 'Today' show and that had an effect on Wall Street? I mean WTH?!

Have Star Jones and Joy Baher made up yet? I love a good daytime catfight.

Isn't Deal or No deal a very sophicticated version of 'money or the box'? Only now it's money in the box?

What the hell is going on in Survivor? I fell off the bandwagon after the 1st episode.

When is 'Being Bobby Brown' coming back?! I miss the Browns...

Of things aeronautical

I am seriously thinking about starting a savings account that will eventually enable me to buy my own private jet.

I was flying El Cheapo airlines to my vacation spot and i am tired of it. Between the overpriced airfares and gazillion stop-overs, the madness (of public travel) has to come to an end... soon.

Here's the deal:

I bought my ticket over the phone, coz i don't trust buying a ticket online. I love to manipulate the time and whatnot to suit me. So when i got to the check-in counter at the airport, i wanted to upgrade my seat. Turns out i have to pay about $35 and up just to switch seats (from coach to business class). I mean what is soooo fancy about business class anyway?!... So what if the seat is slightly bigger and the flight attendants more friendly, you will all arrive at the same time with the rest of the coach folk. Right?

So off i go to look for my seat,(nooo i was not all the way back with the lavatories) found it, buckled up and i'm ready to get this vacation on and poppin'! My excitement started to wane when we were told by the Captain that we are on hold coz apparently there's some sort of air traffic bla bla bla and so here i am strapped down in a 2x4 seat, legs are beginning to cramp and i can't stand up and stretch coz, as per the flight attendant's message;" If you stand up we will be taken to the back of the air traffic line.' To kill the boredom, we are given headsets and told to tune in to the satelite radio they have installed and enjoy. No, there was no tv/ movie to keep us entertained (the price you pay for cheap airlines).

After 45 minutes, we finally take off and the attendants come round with those pathetic tiny packs of pretzels and a cup of soda...yes a cup. You'd think after being detained on the ground for a while they would pacify us by giving everyone a whole soda can...again el cheapo. Now if i had my own plane, i would be served a club sandwich and a glass of bubbly.

I am not going to knock off the satelite radio thing, the music was quite goood, especially the channel that plays only '90s music, Heavy D and Soul 4 Real did take me back to those friday nights when carnivore was the place to be and doing the shuffle was a hit. Bliss. Got me thinking, "Maybe i should get it for my car..."
My thoughts are quickly cut short when the Captain comes on and says that due to the delay during take off, those passengers who had connecting flights might miss them. I did not want to hear that coz i was one of those people with a connecting flight. I started imagining myself stranded at the airport over night cold, no bed, hungry...

It had happened before you know. I was on a connecting flight that was passing thru Heathrow Aiport and when i got there, my flight plans had been changed without warning. Everything from departure time to which aiport i was suppose to land in. Let me tell you, i did look homeless sleeping on those seats with my purse as a makeshift pillow. I am 1/2 qk so i quickly took out my money from my purse and put in in the front pocket of my dungarees (i wasn't about to be put in the poor house just coz i was effecting the look) and proceeded to sleep for about 5 hours. That was then and i was not about to go thru THAT again.

We landed at the same time my other flight was suppose to be leaving and even before the Captain to come to a complete stop, i was about to drop (yes, the mathree way) from the plane. Fortunately, the passengers who were not connecting were kind enough to let us leave first. Paul Tergat has nothing on me, i stopped to draw breath until i got to the gate.
When i got to there, it was closing. Lucky me the plane was waiting for people (yes like a mathree...the 'lazima ijae' policy was in full effect).

After the mathree was packed to capcity. I found myself sitting next to this large woman who apparently taking showers was something foreign. She was killing me with her funky odor which, seemed to be coming from every pore of her body. Again, this is not something you will experience in the luxury of your own plane. I took out my leso (yes, i carry one when i travel) and proceeded to cover myself my face and faced the window, pretending to sleep.I was really trying not to get nauseated for the rest of my 4 hour flight.

At last, we landed and i was glad. I had began to lose sensation in my limbs. I quickly dash to the baggage claim area, thinking things are moving chap chap. Alas, i was there for about 30 minutes, just posing and waiting for my luggage to appear. And why pray tell, do strange men think that the baggage area is a pick up spot?! Dude, the last thing i need is to be chatted up when it's an insanely hour of the night, i'm pained from jet-lag and time loss, plus the fact that you are soooo not my type! So please let me be or i will be forced to use mace!

Come Monday, i'm off to see my financial advisor. We need to work something out...fast!

I'm Baaaaccck!!

Hey, Hey, Hey!

Missed me?! Coz i did you!!

Okay, i tried. I was tooo busy having soo much fun i kinda, sorta forgot that i had a blog to tend to.

*slap on the wrist* I have been a bad bad gal.

So while i sort out my laundry (coz a sista does have piles and piles of it) and try and finish last weeks deadlines, nibble on this.

I will be back with the drama that went down...

Spring Fever

In my head Spring had already sprung and not a minute too soon.

So i have a fabolous vacation lined up(yes!) and i can't wait to kick back and get some well deserved R&R. I promise no booze this time (i need to have memories of what happens when i go away).

I may lurk around the blogsphere, see what all's ya doing.

Blind Date Saga

The dating scene is both a frightening and exciting place. Exciting because you get exposed to different kinds of people. Frightening because sometimes the people we meet are just plain ol' scary.

Blind dating is just another thing all together. I have been to several of these and "Oh! the horror!" Here's one of them:

After coming out of a long term relationship, I decided to get on the dating bandwagon and become a serial dater. I turned to some of my pals who were pros in the dating scene. Before long, I was being hooked up left and right. I had a strict rule, the guys should not be in any kind of relationship and not psychos(yes I have been stalked several times and let's just say it wasn't pretty. The Kenyan Police force should open up a stalking division, but till then prayer works).

One of my pals was trying to sell this guy on me for months. When i had given them my list of demands, she swore that the guy was the one.
So we met up in town with my pal and hooked up with the guy in some joint on Koinange Street. (Okay the street during the day, wasn't as notorious as it is at night). When we entered the cafe, and she intoduced us, my heart sank. I don't care what people say, physical appearance is a must. The guy had unkempt hair, smoker lips, and my biggest turn off, long fingernails...urghh just nasty!! I tried my best to be pleasant while my mind wanted me to take off running.
After a bit of chit chat, we decided to ALL (coz i wasn't about to go ANYWHERE alone with this guy) go out on Saturday night.
Come Sato night my pal showed up looking all pretty, i on the other hand did not even try to go out of my way to spruce up. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lighter(i anticipated a long night), ID and some cash. I have never been a fan of carry a whole tote bag to the night scene, You know what they say, "Travel light, travel far".
In my head i am thinking that we are going to the hottest club that was on and popping then, K1. Instead of heading towards the Parklands area, the cabbie heads on to Forest Road."Kwani where are we going?" I asked my pal. "Oh we are going to pick up the guy, at some joint then we will go klubbing."

Now i should have listened to my conscience and knew that this was not going to be a good 'date' when we got out of the cab at some joint that was playing qk music in full blast and happened to spot one of my lecturers getting his drink on. But no i was trying to be a good sport and go with the flow.
The guy flagged us down, (yes those mathree styles) and we headed to where he was, a table full of other much older gentlemen and few mamaz who had seen better days. They were having a wedding committee meeting. I am quickly shown my seat(next to the guy if course, i quickly ignore that and sit next to my pal across the table from him). Drinks are brought chap chap together with nyam chom. I opt out of the meat deal and slowly sip my reds, praying that this would be over fast.

2 hours later...

The meeting ends and just in time because i was about to start pulling out my hair, one strand at a time. I straighten up and take in a deep breath. The guy asks where we want to go and in unison my pal and i reply "Klub House!" Is that a sigh i hear coming from him? Followed by a bit of mumbling under his breath? Oh well, i don't care.I'm going dancing so he can sigh all he wants.
We jump into his car and i am beaming ear to ear. Even before we pull out of the parking lot, i am quickly thinking who among my pals would be there---
My thots are quickly cut short when we pull up at Roasters. I turn to my pal with a puzzled look. She turns to him and asks what's up. The guy says something to the effect that he has to meet a business buddy, etc, we will only be there a few minutes.
So now i'm getting pissed because i was not informed before hand about all this mini stops we were going to make. I stiffly get out of the car and we go table hunting with my pal who is trying to soothe me. The guy tells us to order drinks and promises to be back soon. I need something strong, so i order 2 vodka shots and gulp them without a second thought, and order some more. I reach into my coat pocket and find my pack...It's about damn time! 1 cigarette, 2, 3, i mean i am burning thru these babies like am about to receive an award. One of the guys we rode with, grabs the pack out of my hand(ati out of concern). My pal sees the "imma kill this f*cker if he doesn't give me back my stuff" look, and tells him to give them back. " Why are you chain smoking like this?" he asks. "Coz if i don't, i may end up killing someone." I leer back at him. "You don't have to be soo mad," He replys. "Oh, really, here i am freezing to death in this godforsaken place and my plans for a fun filled night are dashed and you are telling me not to get mad?"
"Leave my friend alone, let her smoke." my pals finally interjects beacasue she knew that it if he did not stop pestering me it was going to become an all out war.

After 45 mins the guy comes back, smiling and whistling the lingala tune being played by the live band. My pal whispers something to him as soon as he sits down and I'm thinking' "okay we are about to leave." The guy instead orders a beer and tried to give me words of wisdom about being patient. So, now my eyes are doing backflips in their sockets, is this guy for real?! I swear were it not for the fact that that place was away from civilization, i would have walked home in protest.

We finally get up to leave, now i am not even talking coz i am thinking how i have wasted a perfect night trying to impress this goon. My pal is the one doing the talking now. Once we get on the highway, i loosen up because i am seeing the cigarette light at the end of the tunnel. "It's not too late, we will still make it."
We get to the junction and the guy, who is obviously the driver says that we have to drop off the other guy in South C. My mind went,"$#%@?!"

The guy gets dropped off at his crib and we make a turn back on the higway. Now, you know the night is over when you hear the mwadhini calling people for early morning prayer. I turn to my pal and tell her that i would rather if they dropped me off at home. Oh no! The guy wants to make good on his word to take us klubbing, by the time we get there, the place is closing and i had to convince the bouncer that all i wanted to do was use the bathroom. The guy then decides to try to make is up to me and we head to the nearest pub and buy drinks so that we can go and chill at his crib.

When we get to his place, he tries to pacify my with some psychological ish trying to loosen me up (yes, he was hoping to score, the nerve!). I grab my drink and the TV remote and flip channels and block him out of my ears. My pal who is clearly drunk sits on his lap and before long they are checking each others tonsils...(yeah...i was speechless too). They head off to the guys room where the moaning goes on for about 30 minutes.

They finally appeared and i quickly grabbed my coat and headed for the door, the guy got the hint and knew that i had enough of his BS. When we pulled up to the driveway, i jumped out of the car before he could make a complete stop, unlocked the gate and ran into the house. (Did not bother with pleasantries at this point).

My pal did call me a few hours later and tried to explain the night's events. I did not need any of that mess explained okay, i was there when it all went down. I quickly brushed it off and told her that it would be a good idea if we just forget the whole thing.

You would think that i would have given up on blind date thing after that fiasco? No. I was out there yet again, meeting people that would make me question their sanity as well as mine .