Don't be an Hindiot!!

In the wise words of Mocha the following people qualify for the DBAH Awards:

1) Any person who has been in stato for more than 5 minutes already knows that when going to a jungu/akata rave, there's a dress code that's strictly enforced.
So how one of my pals ended up wearing sneakers and a baseball cap knowing exactly where we were going is beyond me. So you can imagine we got frozen to get in.

How pissed was i??

And nothing makes me more mad than dressing up to the nines and not getting to show off. He is yet to get in touch with me and i will rip him a new one when he ever does. Oh and did i happen to mention that it's same dude who stood me up for the movie...so you know his three strikes are up and his ass is out!!!

2) Those dudes who do the Chit-Chat show with Eve D'souza.
Is it Solo & Alex or something of that order?
My goodness, what a block of dumb bricks these dudes are...WTH?!!

There was this chic who had emailed to say that her mano kissed some other chic in the rave and when she confronted her mano he had the gall to say that he was drunk. It's like he tripped and fell on some foreign lips.

Those numb-skulls were talking as if it's not a big deal, ati there different kinds of kisses, so the dude may have been consoling/ greeting a chic he hasn't seen in along while.
WTF?!!
Do they actually getting paid?! They should be the poster-children of the importance of kids staying in school.

I wish Eve would have duct-tape with her and just tape their mouths shut till they have something clever to say.

3)Some guy who was trying to katia me (and he has a mama). I dismissed his storoz. Not just because he had a mama, but also the fact that he's one fat-ass guy who drinks too much and smokes way too much.

Complete turn-off!!

*retching*

He moved out of state a while back and apparently he's coming back for some funky with his famo.
He sends me a text at 4am to tell him that he will be in town and we should do lunch.
WTH??!! 4-in-the-friggin'-morning!!
It's not like he moved to Hawaii where i can forgive him for send me a text that late.And even that is still not an excuse.
Anyway, i'm busy wall-staring and refusing to eat(tis still for losers ya know!!)

More arguments for staying single

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No!!!"

...and she lived happily ever after.

She went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

In other news

- I watched Rush Hour-3.
Loews owes me $7.50!
Only the bloopers at the end of the movie were $2 funny. The rest of it was b-r-u-t-a-l!!!

- What the hell is the point of wearing a thong if all i'm going to be doing is keep fishing it out of the crack of my ass every 30 minutes?! Someone buy me some granny panties!!

- A pal of mine was telling me that some chic was asking about me after she saw me on some pics we took together in his camera. Ati she had the nerve to say that i have intense looks!
How dare she?!
Kwani i don't know that?!!
Was that was a back-handed comment?

- So i wanted to write about some blogger characters.
Now i don't know any of these people personally, but from how they write i sorta get their gist.

Disclaimer:
Now this is all done in good fun.
Please don't throw me under the bus after this.

Acolyte:
He does come off as misogynistic. Sorry Aco. He is the kind of dude who when you show up for some loving, will have you sign a letter a consent with the following stipulations
No scuba diving
No watching Porno
No grabbing his ass at any given time
No screaming or moaning
And when you're done please leave immediately (no apple juice or a warm rag for ya).

Udi:
The complete opposite of Acolyte.
Udi loves him some mamaz.
He is actually the kind of dude who is willing to do whatever to a mama to scream his name backwards.
Don't be surprised to see a little drool on the side of his mouth- he's just happy!
He will have you naked in under a second the minute you step into the room.i
During the romp he may lick your face several times repeating: Aki wewe ni mtamu!!

MsaniiXL:
He is large and in charge.
Actually he will make the mama feel very at home in the bedroom.
He will take off your clothes slowly and even offer to fold them one by one and stack them neatly on the seat next to bed.
He is abit weird.
He will turn away from you to take off his clothes, repeating the same routine of folding and stacking.
When he's done, he straitens up his back- and like a horror movie- when he turns around, Giiiirrrrlll get ready to get mauled!!
There's no mercy whatsoever.

>d:

Between the love making, be ready for him to say eureka! and run off to write some mathematical formula that just dawned on him. But he is such a sweetheart, he will offer you a snack after y'all are done.

So now

This dude, who from now on shall go by the name cousin-lover, CL kwa ufupi, has become three-much.

So he's been calling me consistently since Saturday.
So i had to ask him what the deal be. Kwanini kanitafuta hivi?
Then he says that i intrigue him.
He finds me interesting- eti yuataka kunijua. So now i feel like i'm in a petri-dish under a microscope.

Oh plus he says that he's looking for love.
Okay, do i look like the friggin' yellow pages to ya?!

I told him that because of his past affair with family, i am not willing to even think of anything happening between us- except be casual friends (and i mean c-a-s-u-a-l)because it would be betrayal of the highest order.
Plus i ain't no fool. You used to smash that (my cuz) and he thinks that ama break him off a lil' sumthin'...ninja please!!

Last thing i need is some dude going like: Yeah son, i had her and her cousin too.
His homeboy,"Dang son, you is the man!! Oh is that how they get down? Hook me up kid."

Hell-to-the-naw!!

He quickly changes topics and says that he wants to see me this weekend.

Oh hell no!

I got plans- whether it's the rave or just staring at the walls in the crib- i'm busy!!
He wants to come see me or i go see him. Of which we argued for about 30minutes. He wanted a reason why i was refusing to invite him.

Please, i'm going to see a dude who's not my man plus, i barely know him for a whole friggin' weekend?!
I did not fall off the turnip-truck this morning.

I don't do long distance relationships. If you don't leave close enuff for me to perform a swoop-down on ya ass at any given time, then forget it.

Great! Now i'm having a headache.

Ohh and my stalker has resumed regular programming. Had lengad his texts over the weekend in the hopes that he will get the hint- coz clearly me telling him that it's never ever going to work out over and over again ain't working.
I received a long email yesterday asking why i am refusing correspondence.

Sijui niseme.

Mo' drama

Y'all should know by now that when i go quiet, it means there's some drama a brew.

Where do i begin??!!!

Remember the dude who i told you had a love jones for me(turns out to be the same dude who stood me up for our movie thingi?) I was talking about him to a guy pal of mine who came to the conclusion that the dude is stalking me.

Which, is slightly true coz the guy is relentless in pursuing me to the point where i do get a weeee bit worried.
But that's a story for another blog...

So, here's the 'T' for now:

There's this guy who used to mess with a cousin of mine a while back. Things never worked out for them. But she was deep in love with him and he...well, he had issues coz he had a mama at the time and it was complicated.

When i finally got around to meet him, i had heard so much about him that i hated him on site!! He didn't like me either so, it was all good.

Fast forward a few years later, we ran into each other. We exchanged pleasantries and caught-up with each others lives.
Then we exchanged numbers, of course i wasn't expecting him to ever get i touch with me.

But he did!

We talk, casual talk, nothing serious.

He called me up a few days ago to tell me that he will in my neck of the woods and we should hook up.

No big deal.

Just for back-up i brought one of my gal-pals...

We met at the rave hanged out and had a good time.

So when he's walking us to the car, my pal who is so high is loudly saying that me and this guy should hook-up.

"Kels i swear this is the man for you, gal!! Stop looking. He's the one."

"Oh hell no. Uh-uh."

"No, you should." she's still insisting.

"Gal, it's very complicated."

Then he jumps in and said. "Yeah it's complicated."

Then i broke away from the group to go get the car and left them two talking.

When i got to the car, he comes running leaving my pal to fend for herself(at 4 am i may add). I'm sitting on the driver side and he knocks on the window.

Window rolls down.

"Yaani you just gonna leave like that, bila goodbye?"
"Si i see your working your charm on my pal. I ain't trying to nyundo-block for nobody."
"Ahhh it ain't like that."
Then he quickly changes the topic.

"So am i getting my goodnight kiss?"

I tell you, men are amazing!!
Did he fall down, bump his head and forget that he was involved with family?!

"Nah. I can't do that man."

"Okay. Can i kiss you on the cheek?"

So i turn my face so that he can kiss my cheek. Kiss on the cheek. Then he grabs my chin and tries to aim for my lips... i move back.

"Weee, ebu relax man. Don't start something you can't handle."
He breathlessly replies: "Si i wanna french kiss you."

I roared in laughter. "Trust me, you don't want to go down that road with me."

Thankfully, my pal reached the car and got in.
All the while he still trying to whisper some mess in my ear.

"Aight, we gotta go. You drive back safe. Sawa?"
Nonchalantly he replies. "Sawa. I'll call you."

Mutters under his breath. Walks away from the car.

He calls me an hour later, ati he wants to come to my place.

I laughed.

(I guess the call of the wild was on-lol!)

Told his horny ass to go sleep.

While driving back, i told my pal the down-low with him.

Oy! This just keeps getting interesting...

Jason's Lyrics

I watched Bourne Last night and i must say it was good. I like the knuckle fight scene with the assassin in Tangier and the Manhattan car chase was off-the-chain!! I couldn't help though but wonder what was missing. You know it's like when you make stew, you taste it, you smack your lips and say:
"Something's missing..."

That's how i felt when the movie was over. Maybe it's just me...i dunno.

So my movie date stood me up... Ebu someone gasp!!

Here's the deal. I called him up and we made plans for 7:30pm. This was around 5:45pm or so. So i finish my grocery shopping then went home to spruce up.
(oh did i mention that some Naija dude approached me while i was putting my groceries in the car and told that he wants to speak with me?! What a creep!! In this day and age of kidnappings, last thing i need is some dude stepping up to me near my own car.)

But i digress...

I get to the theater around 7pm. Then the guy calls me 10 minutes before the movie starts and asks me where i am? ALA?!! What's he smokin'?!
I'm like: I'm at the movies. You on the way?
Then he proceeds to tell me that we should catch the 8pm movie coz he suddenly discovered that he has a flat tire.

I'm like dude, why didn't you tell me earlier? We could have rescheduled?!

Then he starts to explain himself. At this point i really can't hear a damn thing coz i'm soooooooooooo freaking livid i can't see strait!!

I told not to even bother showing up and hang-up (okay i has someone on hold on the other line).
I went up to the counter, paid and went in.
Lucky, while i was on the line, i spotted a chic i know that i hadn't seen in years. So we chatted for a bit and decided to be each other's date...phew!! I did tell her about my no-show of a date and she felt sympathetic.
That nucca or rather ninja(thanx XL) better be glad that i love Matt Damon. He soothed me...a bit.

By the time i turned my phone back on after the show. I had 6 messages and 3 voice mails...from the dude. He was apologising and trying make it up to me.

Not to worry, his punishment has been secured.

It will be short and very severe!!

Tube Review

Now that summer tv is about to end, boy am i glad!! 7 weeks and counting...

Here's a quick review:

I have been running my Public Television Station rugged!! And as a result, become a fan of "Last of the Summer Wine"

Someone in need of a serious beatdown: Chris Hansen.
Okay, so it was fun watching him catch online predetors. Now it's just done right annoying!!
He has become a one man-sting opertation. He's off in China cathing people selling fake drugs and running all over the country trying to nab i-pod thieves!! Chris, you just asking to get punched in the face at this point!!

And speaking of Dateline, how dare they get rid of Stone Phillips?! Wasn't he the line in Dateline?!! That Ann Curry needs a shot of personality...what a bore!!

Tyra's moving her show to the City(as if that will help!) Guess she has clearly run out of ideas in L.A. And why is she always trying to remind us that she was once a supermodel every chance she gets?!! Why is still on tv?!! I guess to show us that Beyonce ain't the only one weaving lace-fronts.

The View has hired Whoopi as one of it's host- YAWN!!!
I stopped watching the show after Star was mercilessly axed out. Not because of the fact that she was the only black lady on the panel, but Star was the 'view" to View. Drama up the wazoo!!
First, she was soooo damn fat, then went under the knife and lost a ton of weight, then started blinding us with her humongous ring from her very queenie fiance, followed by all the hoopla about her nuptuals...(and you know ain't no ounce of strait in that man she calls a husband!!)Oh! What was not to love about her!!...I was sopping it all up like a biscuit!!!

Fx's new show Damages is to die for. I love it!! I am hooked. Until they change the writers and the cast. Then, i jump ship.

All reality shows at this point need to be lined up and shot one by one. Can you believe Big Brother is still on! I mean, what point is it on by now, Big Bro 150?! Ugh!!

Tagged

1)WE HAVE TO POST THESE RULES BEFORE WE GIVE YOU THE FACTS.

2)PLAYERS START WITH 8 RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT THEMSELVES.

3)PEOPLE WHO ARE TAGGED NEED TO WRITE THEIR OWN BLOG AND THEIR 8 THINGS AND POST THESE.

4) AT THE END OF YOUR BLOG POST, YOU NEED TO CHOOSE 8 PEOPLE TO GET TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES

5)DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TELLING THEM THEY ARE TAGGED, AND TO READ YOUR BLOG.

Here goes:

1) I am all about creams and emollients but mine has slowly become more of an obsession with skin care. At any given time i will have a minimum of 3 body washes and body scrubs and about 4 body lotions, oils and creams. All of which i do use(depending on my mood). I will not get caught out there with ashy skin!!

2)I love solitude. After going a night out with pals, the next few days i just want to be left alone. I want to detox from all of their energies(explains why i rarely go out with co-workers). I don't understand when peole say that they can't stand to be by themselves and need people around all the time. Blah!!

3) I sleep on two pillows. I read in some mag that sleeping with your head elevated drains fluids from your face and helps prevent waking up to a puffy look esp after a rough night of drinking.

4) To perk up my mood when at home,i play dress up. I break-out my 6 inch heels, a tight dress,put on some tunes and walk around the house doing light chores...or dance in front of the mirror- all the while sipping a little bit of wine. It makes me feel sexy.

5)I love Football(no not soccer). Most guys find it weird that i can have sports talk with them...duh?!! Some of us are not all about barbies and hair weaves, ya know!!

6)I can't stand people who drag their feet!! If we are supposed to be somewhere at a certain time and i'm suppose to come pick you up, please be ready.
Do not call me when i'm 10 minutes away, telling me that you still can't figure out what to wear or haven't showered. I will fight you!!

7)I love tea. I may not be of the western persuasion, but i dig me some tea!! Even with the heat wave going on, i will have a cup just for the sake of it.

8)I don't set time ahead. I don't know how those people who do it survive! I always feel like i'm cheating myself. If i have to be somewhere early then. i will leave early. Having my watch read 15 minutes ahead of the actual time throws me in a panic. I just can't do it.

So there's my weirdiosity in a nut-shell.

Dunno who to tag though. If you feel inspired please, feel free...

Throw back

Now, i know that i shouldn't have been reading Udi's post on '90s music coz it caused me to go surfing for dem 'oldies'.

I came across the following guy groups.

Granted, they may be a little rough to look at for long periods of time, but nothing a brown paper bag can't fix eh?!

ENJOY!!!

Randomness

You know it was a matter of time before a manhole exploded in the city and someone ending up dead... and it finally did!
I am not suprised. Those city manholes and grills over the subway lines are just a death trap waiting to get sprung!

Anyway back to regular programming:

To Catch-a- Predator is back in full swing. I laughed when i saw one of the men caught asking when he was going to be on tv. I guess so that his peeps can check him out- hilarious!

I don't know what to make of Victoria Beckham and her new show.
She doesn't appeal to me regardless!!
Now don't get me wrong, i do love all things British like tea and whatnot.
The thing is isn't she abit tooo old to be looking for the limelight?!
Americans will never embrace Soccer- sorry. We love our timeouts after every 5 minutes of play. And if we want a loooooooooooooooong boring sport, we got baseball.
And i don't care how hot Dave Becks is, he will never replace my Tom Brady....Gooooo Pats!!!
The only way she could win me over is if she was in a sex tape with R.Kelly peeing on her.

Shemar Moore(Movie buff may need to cover her eyes!!)was sported on a gay beach swimming in the buff- not that there is anything wrong with that. It's just that i thot that a man of his stature, he would be packing...alas!! I was sooooooooo disappointed!!
Now the gays can have him for sure...

In other news i am holding auditions for Kels Next Main Squeeze.
Please send in your applications and a quick essay outlining why i should choose you.
This only applies to:
Men only- (i ain't no lesbo...)
Single- (in every sense of the word)
Ages 27-35
With a job and...
a crib(living with your mama don't count).

I am an equally opportunity employer.

Good luck!!

Anyway...

I tell you, holidays do a number on your body esp after crossing over the age of 25 years.
I'm as a tired as runaway slave despite having my freedom papers from massa.

I finally, finally got around to watching a movie i have heard alot of people talk about:

Baby Boy.


Shut up, i know what your thinking... and yes i watched it...
on VHS...
TAKE THAT DVD PLAYER!!!

Half-way thru, i got bored. What was the big fuss about it??

It was just another version of Friday.

And what sex scenes are they talking about?!!Please, i have seen more action on Sesame Street than what they had going on.

Was i watching the same movie Nonini talks about?

So one down, a few more to go. Someone told me Scarface is a good movie. Anybody got it on VHS?!! Mmh...?!!

ugh!

Someone pass me a brown paper bag...i'm hyperventilating!! I stepped on the scale this morning and i've gained 2 lbs!!! WTH?!! That's it. I'm done eating. It's for losers anyway

But for real, i need those two pounds(plus 2 more if i can help it) off coz i'm wearing spandex in about 5 days and how unforgiving is that mess of a material??!! Oh and did i mention that it's white?!!
I don't have bulges or anything like that-coz i've been punishing my exercise mat to the fullest- It's just that having alighted from the fat train recently, i'm still getting used to the new bod. Oh and while passing the paper bag, i also need a number to a good shrink...

Speaking of someone in need of spanks. My sister bumped into Caroline Mutoko the other day and...it was nasty (Carol and her fat ugly-fat-ass).
Carol was very rude to her and her friend when they extended greetings to her.
Now, i've always like Carol from her days in Capital. I have heard though that since moving to Kiss she has gained notoriety by being rude and obnoxious.
And i say to that: Well, if i was banging my boss so that i can earn more money than everyone on my floor (and their spouses)combined and also get away with bad-mouthing people on air, hell yeah i would be rude and obnoxious too.
My sis did also mention that Carol has put on a ton of weight and to that i say: Well, if all i do is sit on my fat ass all day and after that be laying on my back, hell yeah you won't look like Naomi Campbell!!

So instead of her trying to lose weight(coz i hear that is her forte nowadays). My advice to her is: Carol, hook yourself up with some spandex gal!! Don't let that ass continue to giggle even when you've already sat down!!Oh and pushing away from the table wouldn't hurt either. Be it the dinner table or... the boss's table(Oh wait, you may need to stay right there under his table or on it. Gotta pay for all that mouthing off-pun!)

I guess female radio people are the same the world over...foul!!
I have come across some of them here and they all act the same way. Maybe they are bitter because they don't have their dream job(being an MTV vj or a multi-platinum artist).

I guess Kenyans who gain a little bit of limelight just let it get to their heads- especially when they work in radio and tv. That's why most of them don't go far. I don't care if your driving the latest Benz of the showroom. Sweetie, if you work in a radio station, shut up and play some damn music! Or if you are in tv: Read the teleprompter, give me some damn news, smile and keep it moving.
That's all i ask.

Now i'm getting faint- in need of glucose...fast!!

*sigh*

How sad can my life get??!!!

I skipped church on Sunday(shut-up! I am a faithful church goer and member). So i skipped church to hit the mall. I have a bash to attend(non-kenyan thank God!) and the dress code is pretty strict- gotta have the independence colors.
That is some hard ish.
Why is it that when you are looking for something specific, it's quite rare and when you don't need it, it's in plenty?! I have never looked for the red,white and blue like that?!!
So to get rid of my frustrations, i swung by an Adult Store- I've never been to this particular one though it's situated on a major highway.
The first thing that greeted me was a mannequin wearing a strap on- hallo!!! What a welcome i tell you!

So i went round back to check out the rabbits section(thanks Medusa). They have a great and wide range of them-sizes and colors.
So I'm standing there deciding if i should get one.
Why you ask?
Coz this sista hasn't had some in a minute and driving the B-train is getting a little old.

Am all for self-love and all but, i just don't see how i'm going to lay they spread-eagle with this AA battery tool all up in me.
I'm sorry i just don't have the heart.
So i thot maybe i would get it and polish up on my head skills- not that i have any problem in that department, but we can always aim to be better than we already are, right?(someone better say AMEN!)
But such acts just add on to my hunger pangs. So, i opted out...for now.

They did have some pretty good stuff(kinky ones) and i will be back for a few purchases in the near future(okay in two weeks, coz like an eagle, I'm zero-ing in on some unsuspecting prey-lol!)

I did finally get something to wear for the party though. I will take pics and post them up.

In other news:

I do have a bit of a snafu going on though. There's this guy who has a thing for me(like a huge thing with like love and stuff all up in the mix). I always shoo him away and encourage him to date other chics coz I'm not feeling him like that.
So we had a big fight jana over text and i thot that i was home free i.e. we will never talk again and i can finally be at peace. The dude sends me a text at 7am today say that i am one of a kind, he's forgiven me and it's all good. I wanted to toss my phone out the window!!

I will blog about him another time. It's a tale and 3/4.
Right now, humidity awaits!!

Wave the flag!!

Tis Gay Pride weekend!!!!

Big Up to the kids. March that Rainbow flag with pride!!

I couldn't possibly put up all the pictures of all the sugary men out there(allegedly) but here's some eye candy that is "candy."

The Ist pic is the fabulous Ru Paul- Queen Extraordinaire!!

Jesus be my hideout

I plan to quit drinking, one less drink at a time.

Apparently the fad nowadays is to drink Poland Spring at the club.
Well slap me with a jug and call me Nyambura...Im In!!

Was out and about this last weekend, after promising myself that i will not show up anywhere where i may run into "my lover". Ha!! I laugh now!!

His bro called me on friday on his way to my lover's for a drink to ask me what's good, read: we need to go for another drinking sequel. I came up with tales from the crypt of how i gotta work extra hours at work over the weekend, bla bla bla...
quick someone give me their child to babysit on saturday for a nominal fee.

Then on saturday around 10pm he sends me a text, telling me that he's thinking about me. I was like EH?!!
I mean, i wish that it was his brother who was telling me that and not him. I tell you if this nucca would style up, we would be making love more than war- coz we are always fighting about some crazy ish that don't make sense.
So anyway, i down played those texts and then when i told him that i was stepping to go out. He then asks me if i want company...oh hell no!!
I don't need no married with children man on my ass all damn night. He was disappointed.
Oh well...I'm now in the ministry of breaking hearts.

I get to the club and low and behold, my lover's present. Crap!!
Now i gotta straiten up my act- read: no falling out from all the Grey Goose that i was planning on inhaling-damn!!

"Waiter, where my water at?!" Forget that, show me where the faucet be.

Here's the weird thing about our 'thing':

Currently we are on the outs- (his fault of course, coz he's got baggage like a mutha). But if he sees me getting chatted up or some dude getting too close (dancing or talking), he gets mad.
So he kept stalking me the whole night.(He would suddenly show up, standing 20feet away from me talking to some dude, pretending to be intune with their conversation but, his body is facing me and he's stealing glances my way. Of course i'm checking him too out at the corner of my eye like: "Kula huu ndugu."
I flip my hair, look at him and turn to the guy i'm talking to!)

Finally, i got tired of the game and went up and said "HI!"
He, in turned, acted so nonchalant like it was no biggie- i should taken out my high heels and smacked him!!...Then nursed him back to health. Damn that nucca!!

In other news, i'm done watching porn. I kid you not, either my supplier is a strait-up bum or i'm becoming asexual. Someone help me out.

Oh boy...

Just when i thot that some stuff in life only happens on the Maury Show, someone sign me up to be a quest!!

I tell you, so yesterday I'm sitting, chilling with my good pal(a guy) knocking back drinks and chatting up a storm since we haven't hanged out for a minute.

In the course of yapping, my pal starts giving me his sad marriage life story, how the strokes are quiet limited and all, how his mama is always stressing him the minute he walks thru the door, bla bla bla. So I'm listening, being all sympathetic and whatnot.

Shortly, jamaa starts telling me the way he has always been feeling me from like 4 years ago when he first moved here. But because he is married and stuff he just keeps it on the low-low. I tell him that I'm flattered and all but, i respect peoples' relationships and wouldn't cross that line.
Thinking that we are done with that vibe, guys still continues to tell me how he would love to go down on me...i almost fell off the bar stool!! I'm like:"Kuwanga serious bana." And he's like it's for real, that's something he has always been wishing.
Now i start laughing cause I'm so nervous.
I blow off that storo, we knock back a few more then we head out.

He gives me a push-(yes a push lol!!) to my car and while standing out there, drinking water, trying to sober up to avoid a DUI charge, he grabs my hips and crouches down and is stares at my lower half- actually where my jean zipper, as if he's trying to unzip me with his laser vision.
I'm like: "Dude get up. It's not going to go down, and especially not out here." He is still insisting and he's like.:"Kels, if you give me the chance not only will i lamba you proper, I'll toss your salad as well."

I turned crimson!!

All i could think off was jumping into my car and running home!!
I quickly finish up my water, and told him that i gotta run. I just couldn't take it anymore!!

Now the twist in all this is, the dude is my lover's brother!!
Yes, my off and on again, can't-decide-what-we-want-to-do-with-each-other, lover. Right now we are on the outs coz he's being an ass(as always).

Dude juas about me and his brother, well he sort of figured it out a while back but never said anything. And we did talked about it while drinking, so i guess confirming his speculations.

Ugh!!!!
I'm sick to my stomach -both from the vodka and his wanting me revelation.
I need to go lay down... alone!!

Porno- oh-no

I spent a good portion of my weekend watching porn- yes, yes, i know. I'm blooming with possibility nowadays *smh*

My pal gave me a copy to go watch and probably learn a trick or two(unbeknown to him, I'm quick the athlete) *maniacal laughter*

So this wasn't the regular adult film with A-list actors. Nope, it was jam packed with g-list actors. G for ghettoooo. Oh, it was horrendous!!

First off let me say that 98%of the women featured need a cat-trap face lift...moment of silence...Their traps were drooping and looked very lifeless. Oh, i was sooo shocked i had to pull out a mirror and check myself (out of sheer paranoia)!!

So, there were a few scenes that had me rolling over in laughter.
Here's a few that i remembered, because i fell asleep half-way.

There was this couple(clearly Hispanics) who just wanted to get video-taped doing the do. SO they are given a hand-held camcorder and they begin. Talk about clumsy, mara the dude has to stop what he's trying to do to get the right focus, mara he gives his woman the camcorder to hold, it was a big ol' mess. How they survived to the end was amazing to me.

Then there was this scene with a Japanese woman with big fake boobs and blond hair, so she gets out of the shower then the scene cuts to where she is getting it on with this dude who down on her wearing a mask...of a gorilla...yes people, a black gorilla mask!! I was like WTH IS THIS MESS?!!.
So when they were done she says,"Oh, you are such an animal." And he says,"And you Jane." I hit the floor in laughter. They were re-enacting Godzilla.

The scene that took the cake was this white blond woman and two black men, who in my opinion were West Africans.
So she's busying helping herself to a dick-load(pun) all the while none of these two men touched anyway in her body,not the boobs not her sex...nothing(mmmhh typical of most African men).
So poor blond woman, none of these men went down on her, i can just imagine the conversation between the the men and the director.
D:Okay so we gonna have you two guys tag-team a nice looking blond woman
(The two west Africans laugh loudly and hi-five each other. then they turn to leer at the blond who walks into the room)
D:So it's pretty routine, a bit of touching, kissing, feel free to go down on her.
W.A1: Oh-oh broda i don't go down on a woman-oh,any woman for that matter-oh.
W.A2: Me too-oh. I don't eat pussy-oh. The only fish i eat is when it's fried and comes with foo foo.
D:Ok. no problem

Talk about a raw deal. One of the man had a member, i kid, you not, that must have been about 10inches!!
Now that's were i draw the line. Oh hell to the naw!! I am not having that kind of one-eyed snake tapping my shoulder in the middle of the night asking me to answer the call of the wild.

Suffice to say, i now see where men get most of their skills from, the forcefullback of the head grabbing while blowing him and asking dumb question like should he come in my face...oh hell no!! I will take your member and beat you down with it if you dare that!!

Oh well, that just me and my crazy self.

Funny

Yep, it's a slow day. But enjoy this lovely funny forward i got from my pal.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ...... Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si thought "Generol Muotos" was in the army.
* Si thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an applicason where it says "Sign here" si wrote......... "Sagittarius ......."

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si took the ruler to bed to see how long Si slept.
* Si sent a fax with a stamp on it

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si tripped over a cordless phone.
* Si spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate......."
* Si told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK. "

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si studied for a blood test.
* When Si missed matatu number 44 to Githurai .....Si took matatu number 22 twice instead.
* When Si went to the Jomo Kenyatta Airport and saw a sign that said, " Airport Left," Si turned around and went home.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* When Si heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, Si moved......
* Si thought if Si spoke her mind, Si'd be speechless .......
* Si thought that Si could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* Si had a shirt that said "TGIF," which Si thought stood for "T his Goes In Front."

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Need I say more ...eh yawah....

Bored at work...

Thank God that long-ass weekend is over. Yes i had no plans plus, outside felt like a freaking oven...ugh!!

So, i channeled surfed all day- how i'm not in a coma is by the grace of God!!

I tell you i need a tv refund coz, aiiii now it's gone beyond torture.

There was a throw-down between my two favorite shows last night: Antiques Roadshow and Nature(yes am an avid Public Tv Fan). It was nail-biting!! Nature did win eventually coz they always tug at my heartstrings when they talk about African Wildlife.

When that was done, i flipped over to...hold your breath now...Telemundo. I know i know, even i was surprised!!
Miss Universe was on...WTH?!! Just how relevant is that pageant really?!

The funny thing was that i was completely lost in translation. Duh!! The few Spanish words i know are: Ola, Si, Bueno, Tacobell & JLo. And so far so good.

The pageant was held in Mexico...I know right?! Ain't there about 2 peole left in the entire country? What bait did they use for them to stay up long enough to put up the stage and lights? Free Border pass, Si?!

Earlier in the day, say about 4pm, Mama Oprah was.

(Moment of Silence- Mama O has clearly achieve demi-god status at this point).

They were talking about...err...it's coming to me...wait...oh, it was self-esteem or something like that (i was under the influence).
So anyway, they were talking about how Asian women crave to have an eye crease. I hit the floor laughing, but then it became a sad thot that we women try to attain impossible beauty standards, to appease other women. Trust me, we don't lose weight, change out hair color or wardrobe for the men...uh huh we do it for our gal pals. Men jsut benefit as a side dish.

So as I saw Miss Japan win the title i thot to myself: Does she have an eye crease?

Pleasure Zone

Disclaimer:I am slightly out there(surprise!!)

So seeing that i have all this time in my hands i decided why not share my kooky side.
I treasure the small things in life that we tend to over look in this 24/7 non-stop life-style we got going on(yet they bring a smile to my face and some sort of weird satisfaction, you know, LOL!).

Here are some of them:

Scalp scratching: Have you ever had an itch sooooo good that you did not want it to stop?! I know we all have!
Have you ever scratched an itch that it atcually took your breath away?! I have!

Well, let me take you back: One thing i used to love when i was in High School was when we would sit outside on Saturdays and grease each other's scalp while we talked about our boyfriends and our crushes(mine was Tevin Campbell- shut up i know i'm showing my age by revealing that!)
Haha.
So anyway, we would sit outside and yap away.
My best friend at the time was soo good at the hair-grease thing, chics used to line-up just to have her do them.
She would first part your hair into 2 sections then, make thin lines across your head and give your scalp a good scratching before oiling. OH!! Twas divine i tell you!! By the time she got to the middle of your head, you were in a trance-like state...just strait-up mum!!
She was so good, you'd forget what you were talking about!!

I still enjoy a good scalp scratch especially when i go to the salon to get my afro washed. I always tell the wash-lady: "Put more pressure."

Another way to experience a good scalp scratch is when wearing a weave and ladies you will agree when it gets hot under all that fake hair and you feel the itch coming on, and a nice thin knitting needle does the trick(no wonder my mom had them all over the house!)

Ear cleaning: Now hold on before you run off screaming: "Crazy!!" Hear me out.
Have you ever wet a q-tip with a bit of spit, put it in your ear, turned the q-tip around s-l-o-w-l-y and actually felt like you were about to experience an orgasm?? No?!! Oh, let me tell you.
Your eyes just roll back, your head tilts to the side,your body leans back,your mouth is open ever so slightly just enough to let you suck in a bit of air and your eyes are half-closed!! WHAT?!! It's the best feeling yet!!

Scab Picking: When i was young and my badges of honor were the grazes on my knees and elbows, i used to love picking the scab. Oh just the thrill of pull the old dry skin used to make me look forward to the next fall. I was soo vicious that i would beg my siblings to let me pick at their grazes once the healed.
Oh, and did you ever pick at a wound that was not completely healed only for it to start bleeding again?! Yes!! that was fun.
Alas now i'm graze free, except for the occasional paper cut. *SIGH* i miss the good old days.

Body scrubing: I am have always had a love love affair with body scrubs since forever. I am not talking about those girly-so-soft scrubs, uh-huh i needs me some hard-core body scrub that makes you feel like your skin is about to peel off and fall on the bathroom floor.
I got this new Coconut Butter Body Scrub- it has bits of coconut husks in it and boooyyyyyy let me tell you. As you scrub away, you actually feel your skin getting hot...ahhh tis the best. By the time i'm done my skin is steaming like lunch-time brocolli.

And of course there's the breast touch: Now i gotta say not a lot of men do not know how to handle breasts(can't blame them though, it's not like there's a manual out for them eh?)
It's either they grab them as if they are picking produce- squeezing ever so roughly or they knead them together like play-doh! That hurts, news flash!!
But once in a while a man will come along who knows what to do with my girls...

Ladies, you ever had a man who knew just how much pressure to apply on you all the while sucking and slightly nibbling on you?! And knows how to give your girls equal time and attention?! He doesn't only linger on the nipples, uh-huh, he is on the entire breast sucking, licking, kissing and nibbling?!!

Mmh Mmh Mmh!!
I'm tingling just thinking about it.

[Deep inhale]

Let me just close my eyes and imagine...