ugh!

Someone pass me a brown paper bag...i'm hyperventilating!! I stepped on the scale this morning and i've gained 2 lbs!!! WTH?!! That's it. I'm done eating. It's for losers anyway

But for real, i need those two pounds(plus 2 more if i can help it) off coz i'm wearing spandex in about 5 days and how unforgiving is that mess of a material??!! Oh and did i mention that it's white?!!
I don't have bulges or anything like that-coz i've been punishing my exercise mat to the fullest- It's just that having alighted from the fat train recently, i'm still getting used to the new bod. Oh and while passing the paper bag, i also need a number to a good shrink...

Speaking of someone in need of spanks. My sister bumped into Caroline Mutoko the other day and...it was nasty (Carol and her fat ugly-fat-ass).
Carol was very rude to her and her friend when they extended greetings to her.
Now, i've always like Carol from her days in Capital. I have heard though that since moving to Kiss she has gained notoriety by being rude and obnoxious.
And i say to that: Well, if i was banging my boss so that i can earn more money than everyone on my floor (and their spouses)combined and also get away with bad-mouthing people on air, hell yeah i would be rude and obnoxious too.
My sis did also mention that Carol has put on a ton of weight and to that i say: Well, if all i do is sit on my fat ass all day and after that be laying on my back, hell yeah you won't look like Naomi Campbell!!

So instead of her trying to lose weight(coz i hear that is her forte nowadays). My advice to her is: Carol, hook yourself up with some spandex gal!! Don't let that ass continue to giggle even when you've already sat down!!Oh and pushing away from the table wouldn't hurt either. Be it the dinner table or... the boss's table(Oh wait, you may need to stay right there under his table or on it. Gotta pay for all that mouthing off-pun!)

I guess female radio people are the same the world over...foul!!
I have come across some of them here and they all act the same way. Maybe they are bitter because they don't have their dream job(being an MTV vj or a multi-platinum artist).

I guess Kenyans who gain a little bit of limelight just let it get to their heads- especially when they work in radio and tv. That's why most of them don't go far. I don't care if your driving the latest Benz of the showroom. Sweetie, if you work in a radio station, shut up and play some damn music! Or if you are in tv: Read the teleprompter, give me some damn news, smile and keep it moving.
That's all i ask.

Now i'm getting faint- in need of glucose...fast!!

*sigh*

How sad can my life get??!!!

I skipped church on Sunday(shut-up! I am a faithful church goer and member). So i skipped church to hit the mall. I have a bash to attend(non-kenyan thank God!) and the dress code is pretty strict- gotta have the independence colors.
That is some hard ish.
Why is it that when you are looking for something specific, it's quite rare and when you don't need it, it's in plenty?! I have never looked for the red,white and blue like that?!!
So to get rid of my frustrations, i swung by an Adult Store- I've never been to this particular one though it's situated on a major highway.
The first thing that greeted me was a mannequin wearing a strap on- hallo!!! What a welcome i tell you!

So i went round back to check out the rabbits section(thanks Medusa). They have a great and wide range of them-sizes and colors.
So I'm standing there deciding if i should get one.
Why you ask?
Coz this sista hasn't had some in a minute and driving the B-train is getting a little old.

Am all for self-love and all but, i just don't see how i'm going to lay they spread-eagle with this AA battery tool all up in me.
I'm sorry i just don't have the heart.
So i thot maybe i would get it and polish up on my head skills- not that i have any problem in that department, but we can always aim to be better than we already are, right?(someone better say AMEN!)
But such acts just add on to my hunger pangs. So, i opted out...for now.

They did have some pretty good stuff(kinky ones) and i will be back for a few purchases in the near future(okay in two weeks, coz like an eagle, I'm zero-ing in on some unsuspecting prey-lol!)

I did finally get something to wear for the party though. I will take pics and post them up.

In other news:

I do have a bit of a snafu going on though. There's this guy who has a thing for me(like a huge thing with like love and stuff all up in the mix). I always shoo him away and encourage him to date other chics coz I'm not feeling him like that.
So we had a big fight jana over text and i thot that i was home free i.e. we will never talk again and i can finally be at peace. The dude sends me a text at 7am today say that i am one of a kind, he's forgiven me and it's all good. I wanted to toss my phone out the window!!

I will blog about him another time. It's a tale and 3/4.
Right now, humidity awaits!!

Wave the flag!!

Tis Gay Pride weekend!!!!

Big Up to the kids. March that Rainbow flag with pride!!

I couldn't possibly put up all the pictures of all the sugary men out there(allegedly) but here's some eye candy that is "candy."

The Ist pic is the fabulous Ru Paul- Queen Extraordinaire!!

Jesus be my hideout

I plan to quit drinking, one less drink at a time.

Apparently the fad nowadays is to drink Poland Spring at the club.
Well slap me with a jug and call me Nyambura...Im In!!

Was out and about this last weekend, after promising myself that i will not show up anywhere where i may run into "my lover". Ha!! I laugh now!!

His bro called me on friday on his way to my lover's for a drink to ask me what's good, read: we need to go for another drinking sequel. I came up with tales from the crypt of how i gotta work extra hours at work over the weekend, bla bla bla...
quick someone give me their child to babysit on saturday for a nominal fee.

Then on saturday around 10pm he sends me a text, telling me that he's thinking about me. I was like EH?!!
I mean, i wish that it was his brother who was telling me that and not him. I tell you if this nucca would style up, we would be making love more than war- coz we are always fighting about some crazy ish that don't make sense.
So anyway, i down played those texts and then when i told him that i was stepping to go out. He then asks me if i want company...oh hell no!!
I don't need no married with children man on my ass all damn night. He was disappointed.
Oh well...I'm now in the ministry of breaking hearts.

I get to the club and low and behold, my lover's present. Crap!!
Now i gotta straiten up my act- read: no falling out from all the Grey Goose that i was planning on inhaling-damn!!

"Waiter, where my water at?!" Forget that, show me where the faucet be.

Here's the weird thing about our 'thing':

Currently we are on the outs- (his fault of course, coz he's got baggage like a mutha). But if he sees me getting chatted up or some dude getting too close (dancing or talking), he gets mad.
So he kept stalking me the whole night.(He would suddenly show up, standing 20feet away from me talking to some dude, pretending to be intune with their conversation but, his body is facing me and he's stealing glances my way. Of course i'm checking him too out at the corner of my eye like: "Kula huu ndugu."
I flip my hair, look at him and turn to the guy i'm talking to!)

Finally, i got tired of the game and went up and said "HI!"
He, in turned, acted so nonchalant like it was no biggie- i should taken out my high heels and smacked him!!...Then nursed him back to health. Damn that nucca!!

In other news, i'm done watching porn. I kid you not, either my supplier is a strait-up bum or i'm becoming asexual. Someone help me out.

Oh boy...

Just when i thot that some stuff in life only happens on the Maury Show, someone sign me up to be a quest!!

I tell you, so yesterday I'm sitting, chilling with my good pal(a guy) knocking back drinks and chatting up a storm since we haven't hanged out for a minute.

In the course of yapping, my pal starts giving me his sad marriage life story, how the strokes are quiet limited and all, how his mama is always stressing him the minute he walks thru the door, bla bla bla. So I'm listening, being all sympathetic and whatnot.

Shortly, jamaa starts telling me the way he has always been feeling me from like 4 years ago when he first moved here. But because he is married and stuff he just keeps it on the low-low. I tell him that I'm flattered and all but, i respect peoples' relationships and wouldn't cross that line.
Thinking that we are done with that vibe, guys still continues to tell me how he would love to go down on me...i almost fell off the bar stool!! I'm like:"Kuwanga serious bana." And he's like it's for real, that's something he has always been wishing.
Now i start laughing cause I'm so nervous.
I blow off that storo, we knock back a few more then we head out.

He gives me a push-(yes a push lol!!) to my car and while standing out there, drinking water, trying to sober up to avoid a DUI charge, he grabs my hips and crouches down and is stares at my lower half- actually where my jean zipper, as if he's trying to unzip me with his laser vision.
I'm like: "Dude get up. It's not going to go down, and especially not out here." He is still insisting and he's like.:"Kels, if you give me the chance not only will i lamba you proper, I'll toss your salad as well."

I turned crimson!!

All i could think off was jumping into my car and running home!!
I quickly finish up my water, and told him that i gotta run. I just couldn't take it anymore!!

Now the twist in all this is, the dude is my lover's brother!!
Yes, my off and on again, can't-decide-what-we-want-to-do-with-each-other, lover. Right now we are on the outs coz he's being an ass(as always).

Dude juas about me and his brother, well he sort of figured it out a while back but never said anything. And we did talked about it while drinking, so i guess confirming his speculations.

Ugh!!!!
I'm sick to my stomach -both from the vodka and his wanting me revelation.
I need to go lay down... alone!!

Porno- oh-no

I spent a good portion of my weekend watching porn- yes, yes, i know. I'm blooming with possibility nowadays *smh*

My pal gave me a copy to go watch and probably learn a trick or two(unbeknown to him, I'm quick the athlete) *maniacal laughter*

So this wasn't the regular adult film with A-list actors. Nope, it was jam packed with g-list actors. G for ghettoooo. Oh, it was horrendous!!

First off let me say that 98%of the women featured need a cat-trap face lift...moment of silence...Their traps were drooping and looked very lifeless. Oh, i was sooo shocked i had to pull out a mirror and check myself (out of sheer paranoia)!!

So, there were a few scenes that had me rolling over in laughter.
Here's a few that i remembered, because i fell asleep half-way.

There was this couple(clearly Hispanics) who just wanted to get video-taped doing the do. SO they are given a hand-held camcorder and they begin. Talk about clumsy, mara the dude has to stop what he's trying to do to get the right focus, mara he gives his woman the camcorder to hold, it was a big ol' mess. How they survived to the end was amazing to me.

Then there was this scene with a Japanese woman with big fake boobs and blond hair, so she gets out of the shower then the scene cuts to where she is getting it on with this dude who down on her wearing a mask...of a gorilla...yes people, a black gorilla mask!! I was like WTH IS THIS MESS?!!.
So when they were done she says,"Oh, you are such an animal." And he says,"And you Jane." I hit the floor in laughter. They were re-enacting Godzilla.

The scene that took the cake was this white blond woman and two black men, who in my opinion were West Africans.
So she's busying helping herself to a dick-load(pun) all the while none of these two men touched anyway in her body,not the boobs not her sex...nothing(mmmhh typical of most African men).
So poor blond woman, none of these men went down on her, i can just imagine the conversation between the the men and the director.
D:Okay so we gonna have you two guys tag-team a nice looking blond woman
(The two west Africans laugh loudly and hi-five each other. then they turn to leer at the blond who walks into the room)
D:So it's pretty routine, a bit of touching, kissing, feel free to go down on her.
W.A1: Oh-oh broda i don't go down on a woman-oh,any woman for that matter-oh.
W.A2: Me too-oh. I don't eat pussy-oh. The only fish i eat is when it's fried and comes with foo foo.
D:Ok. no problem

Talk about a raw deal. One of the man had a member, i kid, you not, that must have been about 10inches!!
Now that's were i draw the line. Oh hell to the naw!! I am not having that kind of one-eyed snake tapping my shoulder in the middle of the night asking me to answer the call of the wild.

Suffice to say, i now see where men get most of their skills from, the forcefullback of the head grabbing while blowing him and asking dumb question like should he come in my face...oh hell no!! I will take your member and beat you down with it if you dare that!!

Oh well, that just me and my crazy self.