Just when i thot i would never!

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and i become "that couple"
You know that lovey-dovey, hand-holding, kissy-kissy in the store aisle while shopping. Yep, that's us!!

Don't get me wrong, i do not hate it one bit. It just reminds me of a time (when i was single) that i used to see such couples and i can't tell exactly what about them that pissed me off.
Whether it was that look of love in their eyes, or the permanent grin on their lips, or that damn glow!
I used to tell myself, "I will never do that in public. I don't need to let everybody to know that im soooo in love. Ugh and can these people move, they are blocking my path and i need to get to the soup aisle."

Alas!
I now realise that being in love will make you do such things.

So next time you come face to face with the kissy-hand-holding, "honey-can-we-buy-this" couple, be happy for them and...
smile, dammit!!

It ain't their fault your love-life is jacked-up!

Case of the B-C.

With Earth Day behind me, i can go back to slinging grease. Does the environment some good.

So we all have them, Bitchy-catty friends. If you don't, then maybe you are the the Bitchy-Catty. Check.

Part of being in a new relationship, is letting your old, and not-so-old flames know that it's a wrap.
Don't be calling or texting my phone at 11pm on any random night trying to get some ass. No thanx, Kels done closed shop!

One male friend in particular is or maybe taking it a bit hard. If not, then he falls in the B-C category.
Right after i told him about my change in marital status(lol!).
His calls to me have changed drastically.
Right after the greetings he is like,"Urm, did i catch you at a bad time? Are in the middle of something or someone?"
It was funny the first time, but now it's just plain annoying.

Take Saturday for instance.
He called me at 10 am in the morning.
Who calls you at that hour except your mom?! (my boyfriend does not even have that pass!!)
I answered the phone in a bored monotone. He quickly jumps to the conclusion that he is interrupting some morning glory of some sort (and i ain't talking about the church kind).
I had to tell him that i am at work and hence the bored tone.
Then he goes on to ask me why am not out of town visiting my boyfriend. Who the hell died and made him the Minister of Transportation?
Of which i told him that is non-ya: None ya bizness. You don't keep my sex schedule.

So, he gets to the point of his call...some BS that i could have done without.
Then tells me that since he is getting into work, he will call me later.

In my mind, I'm thinking later is like in the next 2 weeks or so.
How wrong was i??!!

I swear his redial was working overtime, because he called me ten minutes later, of which i didn't bother to pick up and then 2 hours later, i ignored that too.
Then he called again at around 6pm.
I picked up, that was such a wrong move.

So he starts going on about how he was reminiscing about the wonderful time we had had together. I just laughed and told him to live on them memories.
He turns around and asks if i would be willing to give him another go 'for old time sake'.
Who the hell does he think he is Freddie Jackson?!!

I politely decline and then he keeps pushing the issue, adding up scenarios that i know would never happen even under the strongest hallucinating drug. I still kept telling him "NO!"
Then he said, "Aki you, you are bad."
I asked "Why am i bad?"
"Si, you have refused to come for my bash on Memorial Weekend and i have personally invited you."
"Now why would i wanna come over, i told you i got plans."
"I had invited you last year and you has semad that you would make it. I see your mano is getting a lot of your time."
"Well, last time i checked you have a mama so what why you buggin'?!"

Before he could respond, i cut him off and told him that i had to get ready to go out.

On Sunday, he sends me a text. Sensing i would not want to talk to him. Asking how my day is. I told him that i was back from a late lunch early dinner (of course i didn't say with who). Then he texts back "You mean you man is mtaani?"
I didn't even bother to respond.
I think he got the message.

My good friend, whom i share most of my goings on with, couldn't believe it when i told her. She was like "Oh he is sooo pathetic. And the way i had given him marks for being grown. Thank God you are not dealing with him."

My friend also think that I'm too passive.

Am i?! Should i have jumped on his throat, cussed his ass out and stuff?! I like to give someone enuff rope to hang themselves, so to speak.
I have no feelings whatsoever left in regards to him or what we sorta had. Why let him get under my skin? He is soo not worth it.

I'm done...

...With being green!

Tired of all that light-energy-saving, green-be-the new-black, making-my-blog-look-like-something-i-had-for-lunch bull-ish.

Dammit i want something FAT and GREASY and i want it NOOOOWWWWW!!!!

Anyway...

Yes dammit! I've gone mother-f'ing green y'all!!

For now though...

still looking for that one template that will turn me out!

So, in the spirit of going green. I'm back on my weight-wagon. That is, after i burnt the last two and used them to make a bbq fire.
I need to lose 10lbs in 10hours!! And i am going h-a-r-d at it!
I was at some expensive Whole Food store today (dunno why or how i got there. I started driving and would not stop till i got to the store).

I walked in and bought the some price-jacked fruits and veggies i would by at the local grocer for a fraction of the price...only because these ones are "organic". I mean what the hell is organic? Not had pesticide and herbicides sprayed on them? Give me a break, kwani these fruits and veggie are bodi like how? So after parting with a price that a gallon of crude-oil was going for in 1900, i walked out and didn't even look back.

Anyway i will let all y'all know how Season 3 of "Diet-diaries" turns out. I am going back to working out 6 times a week as well... ugh! i'm already breaking into a sweat just thinking about it.

So in other mind-numbing news:

I was listening to Beyonces song "Beautiful Nightmare" and boy has she run out of steam lately.
I just wanna thank God for stopping the bleeding and swelling in my ears after listening to that sorry excuse of a song.

Relationships are hard! Aii it's like a job within a job. I don't know even where to start...?!! I see Acolyte has opted to stay single (lucky bastartd!!). But sooner or later Aco, it catches up to ya.
I have been told to tone down...apparently i'm to loud and have an alarming reaction to situations. Kelitu will be shutting-the-hell-up from now on. That is my promise to you!!

It's funny how after all these years my white friends still don't understand how hair-braidingis done. And i am tired of expalning it dammit! I'm tired of their shocked look when i tell them that i have to sit for 6 strait hours while someone adds freakin' extensions to my natural hair. Let me be please, let me be.

With that being said, have a lovely weekend.
I am off to eat some rabbit food of some sort and proceed to pass out on me bed for the rest of the afternoon as a result of a fainting spell from not enuff food. I may just (on the other hand)open a bottle of wine and then the passing out will be legit.
Yay!

I'm just saying...

Can we talk about hygiene for a friggin' minute?!

I know men are always getting on women about being clean and smelling fresh, but men...can you please freshen up!!

Ugh!! I have come across my fair share of stank McStank stank men. You know those men who think that brushing teeth is over-rated, as well as taking a shower daily?!! We all know them.

I just can't stand a man who does take pride in scrubbing himself clean. What are you afraid of? It's you own body, clean it darnnit!!

Before my minute wraps up here are some spots(men) that you need to pay close attention to:

*neck- front and back
*ears (in and out) wax that wax-off!!!
*ankles...one of the perfect spots for dirt to accumulate. I don't care if you wear socks daily... all the dirt trickles south so...get to bending and scrubbing.
*the small of the back...just coz you can't see don't mean you can't clean it!
*belly button- it's hollow so...do the math
* Lift you damn balls and scrub that scrotum clean!!
Last but not least, ass... better get to scrubbing that crack and feel no shame about it.

A clean ass does everyone some good!

Thank you!

There, i said it!!

1) When i was growing up no man was hotter than George Micheal.
When he was in WHAM and when he came out with the song "Freedom" in the '90s. I could eat him alive!!
He was the epitome of sexy to me.
Fast forward a few years later and the coke and cock (and not necessarily in the order) have made him all washed up like a beached whale!!!
Oh he looks awful. The only thing i would want from him in this day and age is the number to his brow-guy. Oh, his eyebrows are to die for!!!!

2)Will Smith is another hottie that has unceremoniously fallen off my list- well he did when my hairdresser told me a few years ago that he is into the swingers and gay-lifestyle. Just like George M, the cock is doing a number on how he's aging. Plus the first that he is now a practising Scientologist...(nothing turns me off like man who denies Jesus!!)

3)I think Lipstick Jungle is a good show. I wish it wouldn't drag soooo much. Argghhh!!!

4) Common (the rapper) can get it any time.

5) I have faked several orgasms and subsequently lied when asked if i came. (Yeah, well deal with it!!)

6) While making out with one guy i have thot of another guy i was into. (Yeah deal with that too. You do it to us too fellas.)

7) Being in a relationship is making me become vulnerable and my insecurities are starting to rear their heads- sucks!!

8) I sure hope my boyfriend is happy to have me. (Seee, what did i tell you about insecurities??! Damn!!)

9) I'm in need of a new life...??!!

10) No, i think my life needs a new overhaul...just don't know where to start. Mmhhh, maybe doing laundry will help.

11)Fattening food sucks!!...but how do i enjoy every morsel??!!! yum yum.

12)I may need new pillows... I'm tired of waking up with a strained neck. (pssst, it's part of the new life regime that i need).

13) I need a stiff drink... but, I'm fresh out of vodka.

14) The liquor store is far... plus it's Sunday.

15) I'll have wine instead.

16) Breakfast is important, esp when you plan to start drinking early in the day.

17)I need to get my exercising mojo back... Summer's around the corner and i made a wager. Homeboy, will have to pay me.

18) Sleep is good, nightmares suck!! I mean what the...???

19) I need to talk to Jesus. STAT!!!

20) I love you all for putting up with my mess. *kisses*

Thumbs down!!

So the Giants won SuperBowl last night. Big Friggin' deal!!! They are still a bunch of clowns to me.

I can't stnad them and i hope they never come close to winning EVER again.

Now with that said, i do have a huge headache that needs to be tendered to... with some painkillers and some vodka!

Meanwhile,

I'm wondering where do some men get off being all judgemental and stuff!!

Case in point; I was surfing this Kenyan website (no not Mashada, gave them up 3 years ago and have never looked back!! Thank you Jesus!!)
They have this section where you can upload pictures and stuff. So a few people have pics of random chics on there.
I tell you the venom most men put as comments has made me shocked, sad and pissed at the way Kenyan men view Kenyan women.
The sad thing: it's the men who are more hateful than the women with their hateful remarks.

-If she is not all that, she is either luo or kale.
-If she happens to be pretty, she's kikuyu.
-If she is fully dressed, they want her semi-naked.
-If she is in a bikini, she is better off naked.
Then some have the nerve to write that she is god-awful, mara she is beast-looking. I mean where the hell do you men get off telling a woman that she is a close resemblance to a primate?!! Have you looked in the mirror lately?!!
Why don't you put up pictures of your own girlfriends and let other people judge. I wouldn't be surprised most of them are shacking up with overweight,unhealthy, not-so-good-looking, out-of-shape women. Urghh!! That just pisses me off!

In other men news, i can wait to get my hands of the unauthorised autobiography of Tom-jumping on Oprah's couch- Cruise...sounds like a tantalising read!!!
Knowing how much weight Tom packs in Hollywood, most of the regular tv shows will not be having the author on. But one little dusty radio show (that i faithfully listen to)will have him on next week. Can't wait!!
Hopefully, something mysterious will not happen to him (the author whose name is seem to have forgotten) where he disappears off the face of the earth, like that dude who had Tom's pictures in a compromising situation- with a another guy- was found dead in his home. Suicide they said...mmmhhh??!!

This just in!!!

(sing -song)Someone likes me!!!

No, seriously...someone likes me!!

You may find it hard to believe, hell, i find it hard to believe too.

So there's this guy who thinks he can put up with my nuttiness...(i know, i know, he needs to be checked out by a shrink ya?!)

He actually likes me to the point of wanting to date me.
*GASPS*
...dare i say, "I may be off the market soon eh?!"

Okay this is all alleged coz trust me after spending a weekend with me, he may change his mind...lol!!

So far, i like what I'm hearing. But, you can never tell when someone lives far away.
Yes, shut-up! I know what you are about to say, and i ain't listening *blocks ears and la la la'z...*
Last time i read cosmo (avid reader btw), long-distance relationships are IN. So when i don't wanna see him, i don't have to pretend to have a headache or my period to get rid of him, the distance is working 2 steps ahead!! lol!!!

I don't know if I'm down for being 'test-driven' before actually being owned. I am more a VW-kind of chick, you know: "Sign then drive"
In case kiumane, oh well, ya ass is stuck with me and if you try to get rid of me...I'm leaving with half!!

He also happens to know that i have a blog. Which is some ways or other sucks coz now i have to FCC myself. Don't want him thinking that i'm all out there like that, after all, i'm very much wifely material.
Which is funny coz we met on my blog!!! Yes, my life is one seamless adventure, ain't it?!!

Oh well...let's see how this unfolds!!

Happy New Year to all!!

I'm just saying!!

It's an unwritten rule ...somewhere, that when it's time for a girls nite out...better known as G.N.O. that you have to leave your drama at home!

I adhere to this rule as so do most of my girlpals, but once in a while there's some chics who did not get the memo!

My good friend M, has this Naija-Akata pal who was celebrating her birthday.(she's naija but came here in her teens so she's very akata in her mannerisms).

What M never told me was that she and her pal have a love-hate relationship.

Apparently, they are always fighting over some mess or other.

One time it was because Miss Naija was feeling ignored coz M has to go to school and work two-jobs and is not finding time to hang out with her.
Meanwhile, she- Miss Naija is in school and working and involved in some mess with a married man
...who is separated from his wife- (though they still live together). Oh, and the best part is the wife is now a lesbian or something so the guy swears that there's not sex going on.
He doesn't want to kick her out coz she's the mother to his kids and apparently can't support herself- something to do with her not working or not having money...

yes i know i lost half of y'all already...

Okay, back to the tale at hand then...

So i was set to go when she told me about this ...about 3 weeks back or something like that....but as the days drew nigh, i was just feeling really out of it. When i got off work yesterday, it was such a crummy day not to mentioned it rained when my trusted weatherman had promised me sun and 52 degrees...it's was a balmy 37!!

M calls on my drive home and i tell her i may not be able to make it- I'm tired and just wanna relax. I get home, pour myself a glass of wine and unwind with a good book. After 2hours, the drink hit the right spot. I called M and was like "why not...lets go!"

apparently,we were suppose to meet at 7.30pm, i was still in the house at 7.45pm so by the time we met at the hotel parking lot, people had gathered attitude. It was mighty frosty!!

So M and i sat in the back while Miss Naija and her Akata female friend -T, sat in front. M and i were busy in our chat-about, when Miss Naija turns around and says "I think it's rude that your guys are sitting back there, talking in your language and not involving us in your conversation."
I looked at M like "WTH??!!" So M turns and tells her that we are talking in english and besides the radio is too loud, so we would be shouting to get heard.

The frostiness continues...
...M and i talk for a while after that...minimal talk...coz you know our ignant asses might revoke back to talking swa...lol!!

After an uncomfortable 45minutes, we finally make it to Philly. We head off to some jazz spot, get our drinks(which were awful and for the price they were going for, they outta shut-down!!)
So it's a real akata spot ya know...i felt very Suzy John place in the middle of da hood. (Okay my ass was terrified being with soo many akatas at one go!!). After all this is killa...i mean Philadelphia- about to break that 400 mark in senseless murders before the year ends!!

*shudders*

The spot is not bad. It's real down-home, soul-food joint and all. But the air was musty- every now and again, a whiff of collard greens was evident!

M, being the miss drama that she, turns to Miss Naija and they go at it...yes they did...acting all negro and junk!!
I turned and started concentrating h.a.r.d on what was going on on the tube and so did the akata chic sitting next to me.
They bickered for about 10 minutes, till the cornbread came and broke-up the fight.

The dinner was icy, luckily some jazz dude was singing so we didn't have to bother with small-talk.

After we were, done M and T go to the bathroom and they were gone for a long time!! So i turn to Miss Niaja and ask "Are they still in the bathroom?" she shrugs and says "Probably, i dunno." We sat there for 15 minutes.
I got fed up and went to the ladies to look them. They weren't there.
When i went back table, they had come back.
So Miss Naij and T excuse themselves and go to the ladies...again. I turn to M and ask "Ok, where were you?" M replies "Oh, me and T had to got air out our differences outside."
Yes my jaw dropped!!
"What?!!"
"Uh-huh, i told her that she's been acting fresh towards me all night and being rude to you and so we had to take it outside!"

I was stunned. I knew M was a drama-queen, but this was extreme!! I mean i love drama as much as the next chic, but c'mon man!!! There's a time and place for all that mess to go down...not when we are an hour from home and without a way of getting back!!

They come back to the table, we pay and leave.

We decide to check out the club scene. Which after a few tries of trying to get street parking, we ended up having to go to those garages that charge $7 an hour! I made a quick mental note :I'm too grown for this mess!!

T's man apparently used to live in Philly. But because he was not coming out with his gal, he decided not to tell her all the nice spots we can go hang out. We had to result to bar-hoping. Just because his ass is jealous, insecure and hateful... that frigging' idiot!!!

Take a moment and inhale!!

So we get inside and M, Miss Naija and myself are dancing...T sits down, puts her face is her hands and looks bored. This white guy came to dance with us and when he saw her sitting down, he made it his aim to make her stand up and dance.
Man, you should have seen the frown on her face...made her look like something alien!! She completely refused to budge, the guy gave up (and for a white man to do that , you know he had tried!!)
I swear i wanted to slap the life outta her!!
Okay, what the hell is wrong with her?! Who the hell is she perioding for?!! If she didn't want to come out, why is she here?!! UGH!!
So i decided to ignore her and have fun till it was time to come home.

*sighing*

M calls me today morning to talk about last night. I told her that that was the first and last time I'm doing any akata mama a rave favor. I already have enough drama in my life that involves mamaz. I'm not trying to start more fires and especially with them akataz.
I can't! I can't!

5 tips for the modern woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


And a Merry Christmas to all!!

Where to begin

After a weekend of debauchery, i just needed to come & cleanse.
I came across a fellow ex-blogger (i'm not telling-okay Kaggz!) since she already outted me in Aco's blog) but they used to rub people the wrong way.

So my hopes of staying sober were dashed, i wasn't pissy drunk, just slightly tilted.
I was also on my best behavior coz i was impressing some guy *sigh*. He turned out to be a let down (no he didn't pass out and have me carry his ass out) he started getting difficult on me (ati him & his mama got back together recently so he's feeling guilty laying next to me). I was like "nigga pliz!!"
I left him at the next stop sign & got my groove on elsewhere.
He later apologized & expressed regret... as if i cared at that point. Ugh!

Meanwhile, i need funds to buy a new laptop, i can't stand blogging on the phone! I'm currently accepting monies or a new/used laptop. Thanx.

Awww men!!

I need to blog...seriously!! I got pent-up issues that i need to vent and release.

That damn facebook has me addicted!!!

I gots drama up the wazoo....

Watch this space...

Hold it!!

Normal Blogging will ressume as soon as i:

1) Finish my stint in rehab,

2) Give the last rose to the final 2 contestants.

3) Get my Halloween goodies...I will be trick or treating in a neighborhood near you!!

4) When daylight savings end...i'm still owed an hour of sleep ya know (oh wait, i will be on the rave on the 3rd...yay! I see my $5 entrance fee will get me an extra hour of mwenjoyoz...smh!!

Juggling act

I still insist that i'm drinking one less drink everyday...

Before Udi and Acolyte revoke my Playa Pass...I still got game...(or so i think!)

One of the guys i was "talking" to got mad at me coz he apparently felt like i was not reciprocating affections the way he wanted (ati i was not showing ma excitoz of wanting to see him).
So, he stopped calling me...can you believe this ninja?!!
Two weeks later, he calls me and explains...or rather justifies the reason he went all Cold-war on me. I thot there could have been something there, but that coward move he pulled just put me off completely. And yes i told him that.

He still insists that he pendaz me and would like to see where our relationship can go...*blowing rasberries*


Now the other one...why lie Kels is swooning big time!!

I really penda him and i even told him that...no, not the 3-words. I have told him that i like me- always had. He pendaz me too and he has told me so(so i'm not assuming here!).
Why are we not exclusive?! Well, he lives kinda far from me- errm i mean a few states over. I have never done a long-distance relationship...ever!! He is not to crazy with the distance too.

One of my gal pals thinks that i should give it a try...dunno though.

*heavy exhale*

That aside, It's October (duh)and my birthday is next week....yay!! Another reason to drink!!!

In Other News

I need to quit drinking.

No, seriously, i need to. I can't be nursing hangies every sato...something's gotta give...like me giving up panic buying liqour after that last call for alcohol is made...just being plain greedy!!

I'm trying to salvage my relationship(s).
One guy is willing to talk, the other i don't care if he talks and the last one, is still talking(but i ain't listening).

Oh well...

Oh and t.v rocks...but i'm not that sober to realize. Come 7pm, i'm loosey goosey but gosh darnnit!! I'm done stocking my mini-fridge with wine and yogurt!!!

And....Soulo of Capital Fm still sucks!!!! Gosh, an un-monkey could do his job!!!
But i love me some Eve D' souza though. She rocks!!!

I gotta go look for food, this yogurt ain't holding off hunger like i expected!!

It's Official

Like a ref with a whistle...

I'm done with the 3 way dance!!

I am tired, exhausted, upset and everything in between.

First off, i am not built for more than one man at a time. So clearly i was under the influence of some drug or something when i opted for 3 guys.

It's just too much work man!!

How do men maintain all their stories strait and still get out to meet more mamaz??

Anyway, i'm back to waving the "One man woman." flag...


In other news, Facebook is the devil of the web...i'm addicted!! That's why my baby(blog) has been neglected.

Oh and i watched the movie "Eastern Promises". Nice!! I would recommend it.

Haya

So far... i'm juggling 3 jamaaz.

Don't give me that look?!

C'mon, men always do that to us All the time. So, why not...umm.... return the favor??!!

Gosh, this is hard work!! Sometimes they are all blowing my phone withing seconds of each other.

I guess it would be a bit too late to be asking for a simple quiet life eh?!

Oh well, fear not, i trot on with confidence!!

*whimpering* someone pray for me!!!

Okay

so i'm still trying to recover from last night.

The last time i was this tore-up was 2 years ago when i was out in Cali for a 2week vacation... passed out in the shower, but i ain't telling.

So, i'm home for a few days. Not zamunda... i used to be a southern gal... once upon a time.
So down south is home...yes i know i made fun of down south people to one guy...but it's all love. I'm a full yank now so whaddaya expect??!!!

while i lay here in bed and try to recover. How much drama did i see at a kenyan after-party??!! I swear kenyans are the ish!!!

This jamaa was vibing some chic and then this other mama who was trying to nyundo-block yells out, "I fucked that guy!!"
How glad was i to see the melee??!!! Security got called, it was wild man!!

Yaani i slept in my rave clothes...i was that busted!!

Oh well!!

Enjoy the Labor Day folks!!!

Don't be an Hindiot!!

In the wise words of Mocha the following people qualify for the DBAH Awards:

1) Any person who has been in stato for more than 5 minutes already knows that when going to a jungu/akata rave, there's a dress code that's strictly enforced.
So how one of my pals ended up wearing sneakers and a baseball cap knowing exactly where we were going is beyond me. So you can imagine we got frozen to get in.

How pissed was i??

And nothing makes me more mad than dressing up to the nines and not getting to show off. He is yet to get in touch with me and i will rip him a new one when he ever does. Oh and did i happen to mention that it's same dude who stood me up for the movie...so you know his three strikes are up and his ass is out!!!

2) Those dudes who do the Chit-Chat show with Eve D'souza.
Is it Solo & Alex or something of that order?
My goodness, what a block of dumb bricks these dudes are...WTH?!!

There was this chic who had emailed to say that her mano kissed some other chic in the rave and when she confronted her mano he had the gall to say that he was drunk. It's like he tripped and fell on some foreign lips.

Those numb-skulls were talking as if it's not a big deal, ati there different kinds of kisses, so the dude may have been consoling/ greeting a chic he hasn't seen in along while.
WTF?!!
Do they actually getting paid?! They should be the poster-children of the importance of kids staying in school.

I wish Eve would have duct-tape with her and just tape their mouths shut till they have something clever to say.

3)Some guy who was trying to katia me (and he has a mama). I dismissed his storoz. Not just because he had a mama, but also the fact that he's one fat-ass guy who drinks too much and smokes way too much.

Complete turn-off!!

*retching*

He moved out of state a while back and apparently he's coming back for some funky with his famo.
He sends me a text at 4am to tell him that he will be in town and we should do lunch.
WTH??!! 4-in-the-friggin'-morning!!
It's not like he moved to Hawaii where i can forgive him for send me a text that late.And even that is still not an excuse.
Anyway, i'm busy wall-staring and refusing to eat(tis still for losers ya know!!)