Friday, June 06, 2008

New Crib

Right HERE

Can you hear me- part duex

Fellow bloggers and lurkers, i would like to know....

Is there anyone who enjoys a woman being loud during sex and just how loud can she go?

Don't be shy to mention past/current encounters with the loud and the not so loud.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Help, seriously

Okay i may just come out with it....

I love love love loooooovvvveeeee True Love Magazine!

I can't help it!

I have tried to mask my love for True Love by picking & flipping thru Glamour, Cosmopolitan and even Oprah's mag but, nothing will come close (and trust me i even have glanced thru King and Smooth magazine, and those big butts magz aren't doing it for me).
Now look, i ain't no lesbian, but i will glance at a chic with a big budonk. After all, if all else fails (trying to be an actress/ singer), there's always your fat-ass to fall back on for all to see.

But, as usual, i digress.

So if any of y'all know how can get those magz on this side of the atlantic?! Please help!!


Monday, May 19, 2008

Can you hear me now?

If you grew up like i an African family setting (mud and grass thatched house, the scrawny-ever-hungry dog and the chickens with no hair on their necks) then you do understand where i am coming from with this...

The phone, the home-phone for that matter, was the 3rd most sacred piece of equipment in the house (after the Radio and colored Tv- most priced possession to date!!).

If and when the phone rang, life came to a standstill. With baited breath waiting to hear the response after the "hallo?"
Plus your small bro or sis beat you to it after the second ring, then proceeding to throwing them the dirty look.
Of course you would be dissapointed if it wasn't your call (thanx to having no caller I.D.) Which makes me wonder the names that would pop up on the screen if we did. I shudder to imagine my 3rd cousin removed twice, mother's sister husband twin calling to ask for money to come to Nai.

But i digress.

In short, i grew up respecting the phone.

Now imagine my shock when my boyfriend, a while back suggests that we indulge in Phone-sex.

"???!!!!" was what was going on in my mind.

I knew people did it and but had no clue as to how it's really done.
I mean do i tell him am in sexy Victoria Secret lingere, while in reality i got on my Hanes 3-in-a-pack, tidy-whitey granny underwear with the no-roll waist band (okay seriously, why is that like band 5 inches thick??).

I told him that i was clueless, then he proceeds to tell me that it's supposed to be virtual sex. I gasped!

"You mean that i actually have to *ahem* on the phone with you listening??"
"Ahh, yeah" he says laughing.

Now, i was thinking, if this was happening in the home setting (as detailed above), how in the world would that pop-off.
Lack of privacy is an understatement.
Case in point:

*The house-gal (maid) keeps passing back and forth with meals and clanking dishes. That is if you have a hallway phone, woe unto you if you only have the one located in the living room. Then she will ask loudly enuff that your sex-operator on the other side will hear, "Kelitu bado unata uji?"

*Mom has picked up the phone to call the neighbor/ best friend to gossip just in time to hear your man say "...then i want lick you slowly and hear you moan." You know your ass is sleeping under the freeway... and we don't even have those.

* One of your siblings wants to use the phone or worse, is waiting for a call. So they are constantly tapping your shoulder, or clearing their throat while tapping their wrists with their fingers 'ati time, time' (you know we ain't got call-waiting).

Not that cell phone are better but, c'mon, it beats having that cord tangling you up as we as being tethered to that old dusty rotary phone...(ama we are the only ones who had that one as well?)

How did the hot-line loving go you ask?!

*big toothy grin* ...says it all.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Just when i thot i would never!

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and i become "that couple"
You know that lovey-dovey, hand-holding, kissy-kissy in the store aisle while shopping. Yep, that's us!!

Don't get me wrong, i do not hate it one bit. It just reminds me of a time (when i was single) that i used to see such couples and i can't tell exactly what about them that pissed me off.
Whether it was that look of love in their eyes, or the permanent grin on their lips, or that damn glow!
I used to tell myself, "I will never do that in public. I don't need to let everybody to know that im soooo in love. Ugh and can these people move, they are blocking my path and i need to get to the soup aisle."

I now realise that being in love will make you do such things.

So next time you come face to face with the kissy-hand-holding, "honey-can-we-buy-this" couple, be happy for them and...
smile, dammit!!

It ain't their fault your love-life is jacked-up!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Case of the B-C.

With Earth Day behind me, i can go back to slinging grease. Does the environment some good.

So we all have them, Bitchy-catty friends. If you don't, then maybe you are the the Bitchy-Catty. Check.

Part of being in a new relationship, is letting your old, and not-so-old flames know that it's a wrap.
Don't be calling or texting my phone at 11pm on any random night trying to get some ass. No thanx, Kels done closed shop!

One male friend in particular is or maybe taking it a bit hard. If not, then he falls in the B-C category.
Right after i told him about my change in marital status(lol!).
His calls to me have changed drastically.
Right after the greetings he is like,"Urm, did i catch you at a bad time? Are in the middle of something or someone?"
It was funny the first time, but now it's just plain annoying.

Take Saturday for instance.
He called me at 10 am in the morning.
Who calls you at that hour except your mom?! (my boyfriend does not even have that pass!!)
I answered the phone in a bored monotone. He quickly jumps to the conclusion that he is interrupting some morning glory of some sort (and i ain't talking about the church kind).
I had to tell him that i am at work and hence the bored tone.
Then he goes on to ask me why am not out of town visiting my boyfriend. Who the hell died and made him the Minister of Transportation?
Of which i told him that is non-ya: None ya bizness. You don't keep my sex schedule.

So, he gets to the point of his call...some BS that i could have done without.
Then tells me that since he is getting into work, he will call me later.

In my mind, I'm thinking later is like in the next 2 weeks or so.
How wrong was i??!!

I swear his redial was working overtime, because he called me ten minutes later, of which i didn't bother to pick up and then 2 hours later, i ignored that too.
Then he called again at around 6pm.
I picked up, that was such a wrong move.

So he starts going on about how he was reminiscing about the wonderful time we had had together. I just laughed and told him to live on them memories.
He turns around and asks if i would be willing to give him another go 'for old time sake'.
Who the hell does he think he is Freddie Jackson?!!

I politely decline and then he keeps pushing the issue, adding up scenarios that i know would never happen even under the strongest hallucinating drug. I still kept telling him "NO!"
Then he said, "Aki you, you are bad."
I asked "Why am i bad?"
"Si, you have refused to come for my bash on Memorial Weekend and i have personally invited you."
"Now why would i wanna come over, i told you i got plans."
"I had invited you last year and you has semad that you would make it. I see your mano is getting a lot of your time."
"Well, last time i checked you have a mama so what why you buggin'?!"

Before he could respond, i cut him off and told him that i had to get ready to go out.

On Sunday, he sends me a text. Sensing i would not want to talk to him. Asking how my day is. I told him that i was back from a late lunch early dinner (of course i didn't say with who). Then he texts back "You mean you man is mtaani?"
I didn't even bother to respond.
I think he got the message.

My good friend, whom i share most of my goings on with, couldn't believe it when i told her. She was like "Oh he is sooo pathetic. And the way i had given him marks for being grown. Thank God you are not dealing with him."

My friend also think that I'm too passive.

Am i?! Should i have jumped on his throat, cussed his ass out and stuff?! I like to give someone enuff rope to hang themselves, so to speak.
I have no feelings whatsoever left in regards to him or what we sorta had. Why let him get under my skin? He is soo not worth it.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

I'm done...

...With being green!

Tired of all that light-energy-saving, green-be-the new-black, making-my-blog-look-like-something-i-had-for-lunch bull-ish.

Dammit i want something FAT and GREASY and i want it NOOOOWWWWW!!!!

Saturday, March 29, 2008


Yes dammit! I've gone mother-f'ing green y'all!!

For now though...

still looking for that one template that will turn me out!

So, in the spirit of going green. I'm back on my weight-wagon. That is, after i burnt the last two and used them to make a bbq fire.
I need to lose 10lbs in 10hours!! And i am going h-a-r-d at it!
I was at some expensive Whole Food store today (dunno why or how i got there. I started driving and would not stop till i got to the store).

I walked in and bought the some price-jacked fruits and veggies i would by at the local grocer for a fraction of the price...only because these ones are "organic". I mean what the hell is organic? Not had pesticide and herbicides sprayed on them? Give me a break, kwani these fruits and veggie are bodi like how? So after parting with a price that a gallon of crude-oil was going for in 1900, i walked out and didn't even look back.

Anyway i will let all y'all know how Season 3 of "Diet-diaries" turns out. I am going back to working out 6 times a week as well... ugh! i'm already breaking into a sweat just thinking about it.

So in other mind-numbing news:

I was listening to Beyonces song "Beautiful Nightmare" and boy has she run out of steam lately.
I just wanna thank God for stopping the bleeding and swelling in my ears after listening to that sorry excuse of a song.

Relationships are hard! Aii it's like a job within a job. I don't know even where to start...?!! I see Acolyte has opted to stay single (lucky bastartd!!). But sooner or later Aco, it catches up to ya.
I have been told to tone down...apparently i'm to loud and have an alarming reaction to situations. Kelitu will be shutting-the-hell-up from now on. That is my promise to you!!

It's funny how after all these years my white friends still don't understand how hair-braidingis done. And i am tired of expalning it dammit! I'm tired of their shocked look when i tell them that i have to sit for 6 strait hours while someone adds freakin' extensions to my natural hair. Let me be please, let me be.

With that being said, have a lovely weekend.
I am off to eat some rabbit food of some sort and proceed to pass out on me bed for the rest of the afternoon as a result of a fainting spell from not enuff food. I may just (on the other hand)open a bottle of wine and then the passing out will be legit.