Dream, Believe, Achieve

New Crib

2008-06-06T21:56:00.003-04:00

Right HERE

Can you hear me- part duex

2008-06-06T13:16:00.002-04:00

Fellow bloggers and lurkers, i would like to know....

Is there anyone who enjoys a woman being loud during sex and just how loud can she go?

Don't be shy to mention past/current encounters with the loud and the not so loud.

Help, seriously

2008-06-01T21:46:00.003-04:00

Okay i may just come out with it....

I love love love loooooovvvveeeee True Love Magazine!

I can't help it!

I have tried to mask my love for True Love by picking & flipping thru Glamour, Cosmopolitan and even Oprah's mag but, nothing will come close (and trust me i even have glanced thru King and Smooth magazine, and those big butts magz aren't doing it for me).
Now look, i ain't no lesbian, but i will glance at a chic with a big budonk. After all, if all else fails (trying to be an actress/ singer), there's always your fat-ass to fall back on for all to see.

But, as usual, i digress.

So if any of y'all know how can get those magz on this side of the atlantic?! Please help!!
Thanx

*sigh*

Can you hear me now?

2008-05-19T10:43:00.007-04:00

If you grew up like i did...in an African family setting (mud and grass thatched house, the scrawny-ever-hungry dog and the chickens with no hair on their necks) then you do understand where i am coming from with this...

The phone, the home-phone for that matter, was the 3rd most sacred piece of equipment in the house (after the Radio and colored Tv- most priced possession to date!!).

If and when the phone rang, life came to a standstill. With baited breath waiting to hear the response after the "hallo?"
Plus your small bro or sis beat you to it after the second ring, then proceeding to throwing them the dirty look.
Of course you would be dissapointed if it wasn't your call (thanx to having no caller I.D.) Which makes me wonder the names that would pop up on the screen if we did. I shudder to imagine my 3rd cousin removed twice, mother's sister husband twin calling to ask for money to come to Nai.

But i digress.

In short, i grew up respecting the phone.

Now imagine my shock when my boyfriend, a while back suggests that we indulge in Phone-sex.

"???!!!!" was what was going on in my mind.

I knew people did it and but had no clue as to how it's really done.
I mean do i tell him am in sexy Victoria Secret lingere, while in reality i got on my Hanes 3-in-a-pack, tidy-whitey granny underwear with the no-roll waist band (okay seriously, why is that like band 5 inches thick??).

I told him that i was clueless, then he proceeds to tell me that it's supposed to be virtual sex. I gasped!

"You mean that i actually have to *ahem* on the phone with you listening??"
"Ahh, yeah" he says laughing.

Now, i was thinking, if this was happening in the home setting (as detailed above), how in the world would that pop-off.
Lack of privacy is an understatement.
Case in point:

*The house-gal (maid) keeps passing back and forth with meals and clanking dishes. That is if you have a hallway phone, woe unto you if you only have the one located in the living room. Then she will ask loudly enuff that your sex-operator on the other side will hear, "Kelitu bado unata uji?"

*Mom has picked up the phone to call the neighbor/ best friend to gossip just in time to hear your man say "...then i want lick you slowly and hear you moan." You know your ass is sleeping under the freeway... and we don't even have those.

* One of your siblings wants to use the phone or worse, is waiting for a call. So they are constantly tapping your shoulder, or clearing their throat while tapping their wrists with their fingers 'ati time, time' (you know we ain't got call-waiting).

Not that cell phone are better but, c'mon, it beats having that cord tangling you up as we as being tethered to that old dusty rotary phone...(ama we are the only ones who had that one as well?)

How did the hot-line loving go you ask?!

*big toothy grin* ...says it all.

Just when i thot i would never!

2008-04-28T12:39:00.002-04:00

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and i become "that couple"
You know that lovey-dovey, hand-holding, kissy-kissy in the store aisle while shopping. Yep, that's us!!

Don't get me wrong, i do not hate it one bit. It just reminds me of a time (when i was single) that i used to see such couples and i can't tell exactly what about them that pissed me off.
Whether it was that look of love in their eyes, or the permanent grin on their lips, or that damn glow!
I used to tell myself, "I will never do that in public. I don't need to let everybody to know that im soooo in love. Ugh and can these people move, they are blocking my path and i need to get to the soup aisle."

Alas!
I now realise that being in love will make you do such things.

So next time you come face to face with the kissy-hand-holding, "honey-can-we-buy-this" couple, be happy for them and...
smile, dammit!!

It ain't their fault your love-life is jacked-up!

Case of the B-C.

2008-04-23T10:37:00.004-04:00

With Earth Day behind me, i can go back to slinging grease. Does the environment some good.

So we all have them, Bitchy-catty friends. If you don't, then maybe you are the the Bitchy-Catty. Check.

Part of being in a new relationship, is letting your old, and not-so-old flames know that it's a wrap.
Don't be calling or texting my phone at 11pm on any random night trying to get some ass. No thanx, Kels done closed shop!

One male friend in particular is or maybe taking it a bit hard. If not, then he falls in the B-C category.
Right after i told him about my change in marital status(lol!).
His calls to me have changed drastically.
Right after the greetings he is like,"Urm, did i catch you at a bad time? Are in the middle of something or someone?"
It was funny the first time, but now it's just plain annoying.

Take Saturday for instance.
He called me at 10 am in the morning.
Who calls you at that hour except your mom?! (my boyfriend does not even have that pass!!)
I answered the phone in a bored monotone. He quickly jumps to the conclusion that he is interrupting some morning glory of some sort (and i ain't talking about the church kind).
I had to tell him that i am at work and hence the bored tone.
Then he goes on to ask me why am not out of town visiting my boyfriend. Who the hell died and made him the Minister of Transportation?
Of which i told him that is non-ya: None ya bizness. You don't keep my sex schedule.

So, he gets to the point of his call...some BS that i could have done without.
Then tells me that since he is getting into work, he will call me later.

In my mind, I'm thinking later is like in the next 2 weeks or so.
How wrong was i??!!

I swear his redial was working overtime, because he called me ten minutes later, of which i didn't bother to pick up and then 2 hours later, i ignored that too.
Then he called again at around 6pm.
I picked up, that was such a wrong move.

So he starts going on about how he was reminiscing about the wonderful time we had had together. I just laughed and told him to live on them memories.
He turns around and asks if i would be willing to give him another go 'for old time sake'.
Who the hell does he think he is Freddie Jackson?!!

I politely decline and then he keeps pushing the issue, adding up scenarios that i know would never happen even under the strongest hallucinating drug. I still kept telling him "NO!"
Then he said, "Aki you, you are bad."
I asked "Why am i bad?"
"Si, you have refused to come for my bash on Memorial Weekend and i have personally invited you."
"Now why would i wanna come over, i told you i got plans."
"I had invited you last year and you has semad that you would make it. I see your mano is getting a lot of your time."
"Well, last time i checked you have a mama so what why you buggin'?!"

Before he could respond, i cut him off and told him that i had to get ready to go out.

On Sunday, he sends me a text. Sensing i would not want to talk to him. Asking how my day is. I told him that i was back from a late lunch early dinner (of course i didn't say with who). Then he texts back "You mean you man is mtaani?"
I didn't even bother to respond.
I think he got the message.

My good friend, whom i share most of my goings on with, couldn't believe it when i told her. She was like "Oh he is sooo pathetic. And the way i had given him marks for being grown. Thank God you are not dealing with him."

My friend also think that I'm too passive.

Am i?! Should i have jumped on his throat, cussed his ass out and stuff?! I like to give someone enuff rope to hang themselves, so to speak.
I have no feelings whatsoever left in regards to him or what we sorta had. Why let him get under my skin? He is soo not worth it.

I'm done...

2008-04-03T13:44:00.003-04:00

...With being green!

Tired of all that light-energy-saving, green-be-the new-black, making-my-blog-look-like-something-i-had-for-lunch bull-ish.

Dammit i want something FAT and GREASY and i want it NOOOOWWWWW!!!!

Anyway...

2008-03-29T14:13:00.002-04:00

Yes dammit! I've gone mother-f'ing green y'all!!

For now though...

still looking for that one template that will turn me out!

So, in the spirit of going green. I'm back on my weight-wagon. That is, after i burnt the last two and used them to make a bbq fire.
I need to lose 10lbs in 10hours!! And i am going h-a-r-d at it!
I was at some expensive Whole Food store today (dunno why or how i got there. I started driving and would not stop till i got to the store).

I walked in and bought the some price-jacked fruits and veggies i would by at the local grocer for a fraction of the price...only because these ones are "organic". I mean what the hell is organic? Not had pesticide and herbicides sprayed on them? Give me a break, kwani these fruits and veggie are bodi like how? So after parting with a price that a gallon of crude-oil was going for in 1900, i walked out and didn't even look back.

Anyway i will let all y'all know how Season 3 of "Diet-diaries" turns out. I am going back to working out 6 times a week as well... ugh! i'm already breaking into a sweat just thinking about it.

So in other mind-numbing news:

I was listening to Beyonces song "Beautiful Nightmare" and boy has she run out of steam lately.
I just wanna thank God for stopping the bleeding and swelling in my ears after listening to that sorry excuse of a song.

Relationships are hard! Aii it's like a job within a job. I don't know even where to start...?!! I see Acolyte has opted to stay single (lucky bastartd!!). But sooner or later Aco, it catches up to ya.
I have been told to tone down...apparently i'm to loud and have an alarming reaction to situations. Kelitu will be shutting-the-hell-up from now on. That is my promise to you!!

It's funny how after all these years my white friends still don't understand how hair-braidingis done. And i am tired of expalning it dammit! I'm tired of their shocked look when i tell them that i have to sit for 6 strait hours while someone adds freakin' extensions to my natural hair. Let me be please, let me be.

With that being said, have a lovely weekend.
I am off to eat some rabbit food of some sort and proceed to pass out on me bed for the rest of the afternoon as a result of a fainting spell from not enuff food. I may just (on the other hand)open a bottle of wine and then the passing out will be legit.
Yay!

I'm just saying...

2008-03-04T11:46:00.003-05:00

Can we talk about hygiene for a friggin' minute?!

I know men are always getting on women about being clean and smelling fresh, but men...can you please freshen up!!

Ugh!! I have come across my fair share of stank McStank stank men. You know those men who think that brushing teeth is over-rated, as well as taking a shower daily?!! We all know them.

I just can't stand a man who does take pride in scrubbing himself clean. What are you afraid of? It's you own body, clean it darnnit!!

Before my minute wraps up here are some spots(men) that you need to pay close attention to:

*neck- front and back
*ears (in and out) wax that wax-off!!!
*ankles...one of the perfect spots for dirt to accumulate. I don't care if you wear socks daily... all the dirt trickles south so...get to bending and scrubbing.
*the small of the back...just coz you can't see don't mean you can't clean it!
*belly button- it's hollow so...do the math
* Lift you damn balls and scrub that scrotum clean!!
Last but not least, ass... better get to scrubbing that crack and feel no shame about it.

A clean ass does everyone some good!

Thank you!

There, i said it!!

2008-02-24T14:21:00.004-05:00

1) When i was growing up no man was hotter than George Micheal.
When he was in WHAM and when he came out with the song "Freedom" in the '90s. I could eat him alive!!
He was the epitome of sexy to me.
Fast forward a few years later and the coke and cock (and not necessarily in the order) have made him all washed up like a beached whale!!!
Oh he looks awful. The only thing i would want from him in this day and age is the number to his brow-guy. Oh, his eyebrows are to die for!!!!

2)Will Smith is another hottie that has unceremoniously fallen off my list- well he did when my hairdresser told me a few years ago that he is into the swingers and gay-lifestyle. Just like George M, the cock is doing a number on how he's aging. Plus the first that he is now a practising Scientologist...(nothing turns me off like man who denies Jesus!!)

3)I think Lipstick Jungle is a good show. I wish it wouldn't drag soooo much. Argghhh!!!

4) Common (the rapper) can get it any time.

5) I have faked several orgasms and subsequently lied when asked if i came. (Yeah, well deal with it!!)

6) While making out with one guy i have thot of another guy i was into. (Yeah deal with that too. You do it to us too fellas.)

7) Being in a relationship is making me become vulnerable and my insecurities are starting to rear their heads- sucks!!

8) I sure hope my boyfriend is happy to have me. (Seee, what did i tell you about insecurities??! Damn!!)

9) I'm in need of a new life...??!!

10) No, i think my life needs a new overhaul...just don't know where to start. Mmhhh, maybe doing laundry will help.

11)Fattening food sucks!!...but how do i enjoy every morsel??!!! yum yum.

12)I may need new pillows... I'm tired of waking up with a strained neck. (pssst, it's part of the new life regime that i need).

13) I need a stiff drink... but, I'm fresh out of vodka.

14) The liquor store is far... plus it's Sunday.

15) I'll have wine instead.

16) Breakfast is important, esp when you plan to start drinking early in the day.

17)I need to get my exercising mojo back... Summer's around the corner and i made a wager. Homeboy, will have to pay me.

18) Sleep is good, nightmares suck!! I mean what the...???

19) I need to talk to Jesus. STAT!!!

20) I love you all for putting up with my mess. *kisses*

Thumbs down!!

2008-02-04T11:46:00.001-05:00

So the Giants won SuperBowl last night. Big Friggin' deal!!! They are still a bunch of clowns to me.

I can't stnad them and i hope they never come close to winning EVER again.

Now with that said, i do have a huge headache that needs to be tendered to... with some painkillers and some vodka!

Meanwhile,

2008-01-10T13:03:00.000-05:00

I'm wondering where do some men get off being all judgemental and stuff!!

Case in point; I was surfing this Kenyan website (no not Mashada, gave them up 3 years ago and have never looked back!! Thank you Jesus!!)
They have this section where you can upload pictures and stuff. So a few people have pics of random chics on there.
I tell you the venom most men put as comments has made me shocked, sad and pissed at the way Kenyan men view Kenyan women.
The sad thing: it's the men who are more hateful than the women with their hateful remarks.

-If she is not all that, she is either luo or kale.
-If she happens to be pretty, she's kikuyu.
-If she is fully dressed, they want her semi-naked.
-If she is in a bikini, she is better off naked.
Then some have the nerve to write that she is god-awful, mara she is beast-looking. I mean where the hell do you men get off telling a woman that she is a close resemblance to a primate?!! Have you looked in the mirror lately?!!
Why don't you put up pictures of your own girlfriends and let other people judge. I wouldn't be surprised most of them are shacking up with overweight,unhealthy, not-so-good-looking, out-of-shape women. Urghh!! That just pisses me off!

In other men news, i can wait to get my hands of the unauthorised autobiography of Tom-jumping on Oprah's couch- Cruise...sounds like a tantalising read!!!
Knowing how much weight Tom packs in Hollywood, most of the regular tv shows will not be having the author on. But one little dusty radio show (that i faithfully listen to)will have him on next week. Can't wait!!
Hopefully, something mysterious will not happen to him (the author whose name is seem to have forgotten) where he disappears off the face of the earth, like that dude who had Tom's pictures in a compromising situation- with a another guy- was found dead in his home. Suicide they said...mmmhhh??!!

This just in!!!

2008-01-07T11:43:00.000-05:00

(sing -song)Someone likes me!!!

No, seriously...someone likes me!!

You may find it hard to believe, hell, i find it hard to believe too.

So there's this guy who thinks he can put up with my nuttiness...(i know, i know, he needs to be checked out by a shrink ya?!)

He actually likes me to the point of wanting to date me.
*GASPS*
...dare i say, "I may be off the market soon eh?!"

Okay this is all alleged coz trust me after spending a weekend with me, he may change his mind...lol!!

So far, i like what I'm hearing. But, you can never tell when someone lives far away.
Yes, shut-up! I know what you are about to say, and i ain't listening *blocks ears and la la la'z...*
Last time i read cosmo (avid reader btw), long-distance relationships are IN. So when i don't wanna see him, i don't have to pretend to have a headache or my period to get rid of him, the distance is working 2 steps ahead!! lol!!!

I don't know if I'm down for being 'test-driven' before actually being owned. I am more a VW-kind of chick, you know: "Sign then drive"
In case kiumane, oh well, ya ass is stuck with me and if you try to get rid of me...I'm leaving with half!!

He also happens to know that i have a blog. Which is some ways or other sucks coz now i have to FCC myself. Don't want him thinking that i'm all out there like that, after all, i'm very much wifely material.
Which is funny coz we met on my blog!!! Yes, my life is one seamless adventure, ain't it?!!

Oh well...let's see how this unfolds!!

Happy New Year to all!!

I'm just saying!!

2007-12-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

It's an unwritten rule ...somewhere, that when it's time for a girls nite out...better known as G.N.O. that you have to leave your drama at home!

I adhere to this rule as so do most of my girlpals, but once in a while there's some chics who did not get the memo!

My good friend M, has this Naija-Akata pal who was celebrating her birthday.(she's naija but came here in her teens so she's very akata in her mannerisms).

What M never told me was that she and her pal have a love-hate relationship.

Apparently, they are always fighting over some mess or other.

One time it was because Miss Naija was feeling ignored coz M has to go to school and work two-jobs and is not finding time to hang out with her.
Meanwhile, she- Miss Naija is in school and working and involved in some mess with a married man
...who is separated from his wife- (though they still live together). Oh, and the best part is the wife is now a lesbian or something so the guy swears that there's not sex going on.
He doesn't want to kick her out coz she's the mother to his kids and apparently can't support herself- something to do with her not working or not having money...

yes i know i lost half of y'all already...

Okay, back to the tale at hand then...

So i was set to go when she told me about this ...about 3 weeks back or something like that....but as the days drew nigh, i was just feeling really out of it. When i got off work yesterday, it was such a crummy day not to mentioned it rained when my trusted weatherman had promised me sun and 52 degrees...it's was a balmy 37!!

M calls on my drive home and i tell her i may not be able to make it- I'm tired and just wanna relax. I get home, pour myself a glass of wine and unwind with a good book. After 2hours, the drink hit the right spot. I called M and was like "why not...lets go!"

apparently,we were suppose to meet at 7.30pm, i was still in the house at 7.45pm so by the time we met at the hotel parking lot, people had gathered attitude. It was mighty frosty!!

So M and i sat in the back while Miss Naija and her Akata female friend -T, sat in front. M and i were busy in our chat-about, when Miss Naija turns around and says "I think it's rude that your guys are sitting back there, talking in your language and not involving us in your conversation."
I looked at M like "WTH??!!" So M turns and tells her that we are talking in english and besides the radio is too loud, so we would be shouting to get heard.

The frostiness continues...
...M and i talk for a while after that...minimal talk...coz you know our ignant asses might revoke back to talking swa...lol!!

After an uncomfortable 45minutes, we finally make it to Philly. We head off to some jazz spot, get our drinks(which were awful and for the price they were going for, they outta shut-down!!)
So it's a real akata spot ya know...i felt very Suzy John place in the middle of da hood. (Okay my ass was terrified being with soo many akatas at one go!!). After all this is killa...i mean Philadelphia- about to break that 400 mark in senseless murders before the year ends!!

*shudders*

The spot is not bad. It's real down-home, soul-food joint and all. But the air was musty- every now and again, a whiff of collard greens was evident!

M, being the miss drama that she, turns to Miss Naija and they go at it...yes they did...acting all negro and junk!!
I turned and started concentrating h.a.r.d on what was going on on the tube and so did the akata chic sitting next to me.
They bickered for about 10 minutes, till the cornbread came and broke-up the fight.

The dinner was icy, luckily some jazz dude was singing so we didn't have to bother with small-talk.

After we were, done M and T go to the bathroom and they were gone for a long time!! So i turn to Miss Niaja and ask "Are they still in the bathroom?" she shrugs and says "Probably, i dunno." We sat there for 15 minutes.
I got fed up and went to the ladies to look them. They weren't there.
When i went back table, they had come back.
So Miss Naij and T excuse themselves and go to the ladies...again. I turn to M and ask "Ok, where were you?" M replies "Oh, me and T had to got air out our differences outside."
Yes my jaw dropped!!
"What?!!"
"Uh-huh, i told her that she's been acting fresh towards me all night and being rude to you and so we had to take it outside!"

I was stunned. I knew M was a drama-queen, but this was extreme!! I mean i love drama as much as the next chic, but c'mon man!!! There's a time and place for all that mess to go down...not when we are an hour from home and without a way of getting back!!

They come back to the table, we pay and leave.

We decide to check out the club scene. Which after a few tries of trying to get street parking, we ended up having to go to those garages that charge $7 an hour! I made a quick mental note :I'm too grown for this mess!!

T's man apparently used to live in Philly. But because he was not coming out with his gal, he decided not to tell her all the nice spots we can go hang out. We had to result to bar-hoping. Just because his ass is jealous, insecure and hateful... that frigging' idiot!!!

Take a moment and inhale!!

So we get inside and M, Miss Naija and myself are dancing...T sits down, puts her face is her hands and looks bored. This white guy came to dance with us and when he saw her sitting down, he made it his aim to make her stand up and dance.
Man, you should have seen the frown on her face...made her look like something alien!! She completely refused to budge, the guy gave up (and for a white man to do that , you know he had tried!!)
I swear i wanted to slap the life outta her!!
Okay, what the hell is wrong with her?! Who the hell is she perioding for?!! If she didn't want to come out, why is she here?!! UGH!!
So i decided to ignore her and have fun till it was time to come home.

*sighing*

M calls me today morning to talk about last night. I told her that that was the first and last time I'm doing any akata mama a rave favor. I already have enough drama in my life that involves mamaz. I'm not trying to start more fires and especially with them akataz.
I can't! I can't!

5 tips for the modern woman

2007-12-18T10:27:00.000-05:00

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

And a Merry Christmas to all!!

Where to begin

2007-11-28T05:31:00.003-05:00

After a weekend of debauchery, i just needed to come & cleanse.
I came across a fellow ex-blogger (i'm not telling-okay Kaggz!) since she already outted me in Aco's blog) but they used to rub people the wrong way.

So my hopes of staying sober were dashed, i wasn't pissy drunk, just slightly tilted.
I was also on my best behavior coz i was impressing some guy *sigh*. He turned out to be a let down (no he didn't pass out and have me carry his ass out) he started getting difficult on me (ati him & his mama got back together recently so he's feeling guilty laying next to me). I was like "nigga pliz!!"
I left him at the next stop sign & got my groove on elsewhere.
He later apologized & expressed regret... as if i cared at that point. Ugh!

Meanwhile, i need funds to buy a new laptop, i can't stand blogging on the phone! I'm currently accepting monies or a new/used laptop. Thanx.

Awww men!!

2007-11-15T10:27:00.000-05:00

I need to blog...seriously!! I got pent-up issues that i need to vent and release.

That damn facebook has me addicted!!!

I gots drama up the wazoo....

Watch this space...

Hold it!!

2007-10-21T14:24:00.000-04:00

Normal Blogging will ressume as soon as i:

1) Finish my stint in rehab,

2) Give the last rose to the final 2 contestants.

3) Get my Halloween goodies...I will be trick or treating in a neighborhood near you!!

4) When daylight savings end...i'm still owed an hour of sleep ya know (oh wait, i will be on the rave on the 3rd...yay! I see my $5 entrance fee will get me an extra hour of mwenjoyoz...smh!!

Juggling act

2007-10-06T13:48:00.000-04:00

I still insist that i'm drinking one less drink everyday...

Before Udi and Acolyte revoke my Playa Pass...I still got game...(or so i think!)

One of the guys i was "talking" to got mad at me coz he apparently felt like i was not reciprocating affections the way he wanted (ati i was not showing ma excitoz of wanting to see him).
So, he stopped calling me...can you believe this ninja?!!
Two weeks later, he calls me and explains...or rather justifies the reason he went all Cold-war on me. I thot there could have been something there, but that coward move he pulled just put me off completely. And yes i told him that.

He still insists that he pendaz me and would like to see where our relationship can go...*blowing rasberries*

Now the other one...why lie Kels is swooning big time!!

I really penda him and i even told him that...no, not the 3-words. I have told him that i like me- always had. He pendaz me too and he has told me so(so i'm not assuming here!).
Why are we not exclusive?! Well, he lives kinda far from me- errm i mean a few states over. I have never done a long-distance relationship...ever!! He is not to crazy with the distance too.

One of my gal pals thinks that i should give it a try...dunno though.

*heavy exhale*

That aside, It's October (duh)and my birthday is next week....yay!! Another reason to drink!!!

In Other News

2007-09-29T17:31:00.000-04:00

I need to quit drinking.

No, seriously, i need to. I can't be nursing hangies every sato...something's gotta give...like me giving up panic buying liqour after that last call for alcohol is made...just being plain greedy!!

I'm trying to salvage my relationship(s).
One guy is willing to talk, the other i don't care if he talks and the last one, is still talking(but i ain't listening).

Oh well...

Oh and t.v rocks...but i'm not that sober to realize. Come 7pm, i'm loosey goosey but gosh darnnit!! I'm done stocking my mini-fridge with wine and yogurt!!!

And....Soulo of Capital Fm still sucks!!!! Gosh, an un-monkey could do his job!!!
But i love me some Eve D' souza though. She rocks!!!

I gotta go look for food, this yogurt ain't holding off hunger like i expected!!

It's Official

2007-09-22T17:25:00.000-04:00

Like a ref with a whistle...

I'm done with the 3 way dance!!

I am tired, exhausted, upset and everything in between.

First off, i am not built for more than one man at a time. So clearly i was under the influence of some drug or something when i opted for 3 guys.

It's just too much work man!!

How do men maintain all their stories strait and still get out to meet more mamaz??

Anyway, i'm back to waving the "One man woman." flag...

In other news, Facebook is the devil of the web...i'm addicted!! That's why my baby(blog) has been neglected.

Oh and i watched the movie "Eastern Promises". Nice!! I would recommend it.

Haya

2007-09-09T13:46:00.000-04:00

So far... i'm juggling 3 jamaaz.

Don't give me that look?!

C'mon, men always do that to us All the time. So, why not...umm.... return the favor??!!

Gosh, this is hard work!! Sometimes they are all blowing my phone withing seconds of each other.

I guess it would be a bit too late to be asking for a simple quiet life eh?!

Oh well, fear not, i trot on with confidence!!

*whimpering* someone pray for me!!!

Okay

2007-09-02T16:56:00.000-04:00

so i'm still trying to recover from last night.

The last time i was this tore-up was 2 years ago when i was out in Cali for a 2week vacation... passed out in the shower, but i ain't telling.

So, i'm home for a few days. Not zamunda... i used to be a southern gal... once upon a time.
So down south is home...yes i know i made fun of down south people to one guy...but it's all love. I'm a full yank now so whaddaya expect??!!!

while i lay here in bed and try to recover. How much drama did i see at a kenyan after-party??!! I swear kenyans are the ish!!!

This jamaa was vibing some chic and then this other mama who was trying to nyundo-block yells out, "I fucked that guy!!"
How glad was i to see the melee??!!! Security got called, it was wild man!!

Yaani i slept in my rave clothes...i was that busted!!

Oh well!!

Enjoy the Labor Day folks!!!

Don't be an Hindiot!!

2007-08-21T12:40:00.000-04:00

In the wise words of Mocha the following people qualify for the DBAH Awards:

1) Any person who has been in stato for more than 5 minutes already knows that when going to a jungu/akata rave, there's a dress code that's strictly enforced.
So how one of my pals ended up wearing sneakers and a baseball cap knowing exactly where we were going is beyond me. So you can imagine we got frozen to get in.

How pissed was i??

And nothing makes me more mad than dressing up to the nines and not getting to show off. He is yet to get in touch with me and i will rip him a new one when he ever does. Oh and did i happen to mention that it's same dude who stood me up for the movie...so you know his three strikes are up and his ass is out!!!

2) Those dudes who do the Chit-Chat show with Eve D'souza.
Is it Solo & Alex or something of that order?
My goodness, what a block of dumb bricks these dudes are...WTH?!!

There was this chic who had emailed to say that her mano kissed some other chic in the rave and when she confronted her mano he had the gall to say that he was drunk. It's like he tripped and fell on some foreign lips.

Those numb-skulls were talking as if it's not a big deal, ati there different kinds of kisses, so the dude may have been consoling/ greeting a chic he hasn't seen in along while.
WTF?!!
Do they actually getting paid?! They should be the poster-children of the importance of kids staying in school.

I wish Eve would have duct-tape with her and just tape their mouths shut till they have something clever to say.

3)Some guy who was trying to katia me (and he has a mama). I dismissed his storoz. Not just because he had a mama, but also the fact that he's one fat-ass guy who drinks too much and smokes way too much.

Complete turn-off!!

*retching*

He moved out of state a while back and apparently he's coming back for some funky with his famo.
He sends me a text at 4am to tell him that he will be in town and we should do lunch.
WTH??!! 4-in-the-friggin'-morning!!
It's not like he moved to Hawaii where i can forgive him for send me a text that late.And even that is still not an excuse.
Anyway, i'm busy wall-staring and refusing to eat(tis still for losers ya know!!)

More arguments for staying single

2007-08-20T13:48:00.000-04:00
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No!!!"

...and she lived happily ever after.

She went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

In other news

2007-08-16T19:18:00.000-04:00
- I watched Rush Hour-3.
Loews owes me $7.50!
Only the bloopers at the end of the movie were $2 funny. The rest of it was b-r-u-t-a-l!!!

- What the hell is the point of wearing a thong if all i'm going to be doing is keep fishing it out of the crack of my ass every 30 minutes?! Someone buy me some granny panties!!

- A pal of mine was telling me that some chic was asking about me after she saw me on some pics we took together in his camera. Ati she had the nerve to say that i have intense looks!
How dare she?!
Kwani i don't know that?!!
Was that was a back-handed comment?

- So i wanted to write about some blogger characters.
Now i don't know any of these people personally, but from how they write i sorta get their gist.

Disclaimer:
Now this is all done in good fun.
Please don't throw me under the bus after this.

Acolyte:
He does come off as misogynistic. Sorry Aco. He is the kind of dude who when you show up for some loving, will have you sign a letter a consent with the following stipulations
No scuba diving
No watching Porno
No grabbing his ass at any given time
No screaming or moaning
And when you're done please leave immediately (no apple juice or a warm rag for ya).

Udi:
The complete opposite of Acolyte.
Udi loves him some mamaz.
He is actually the kind of dude who is willing to do whatever to a mama to scream his name backwards.
Don't be surprised to see a little drool on the side of his mouth- he's just happy!
He will have you naked in under a second the minute you step into the room.i
During the romp he may lick your face several times repeating: Aki wewe ni mtamu!!

MsaniiXL:
He is large and in charge.
Actually he will make the mama feel very at home in the bedroom.
He will take off your clothes slowly and even offer to fold them one by one and stack them neatly on the seat next to bed.
He is abit weird.
He will turn away from you to take off his clothes, repeating the same routine of folding and stacking.
When he's done, he straitens up his back- and like a horror movie- when he turns around, Giiiirrrrlll get ready to get mauled!!
There's no mercy whatsoever.

>d:

Between the love making, be ready for him to say eureka! and run off to write some mathematical formula that just dawned on him. But he is such a sweetheart, he will offer you a snack after y'all are done.

So now

2007-08-14T13:21:00.000-04:00
This dude, who from now on shall go by the name cousin-lover, CL kwa ufupi, has become three-much.

So he's been calling me consistently since Saturday.
So i had to ask him what the deal be. Kwanini kanitafuta hivi?
Then he says that i intrigue him.
He finds me interesting- eti yuataka kunijua. So now i feel like i'm in a petri-dish under a microscope.

Oh plus he says that he's looking for love.
Okay, do i look like the friggin' yellow pages to ya?!

I told him that because of his past affair with family, i am not willing to even think of anything happening between us- except be casual friends (and i mean c-a-s-u-a-l)because it would be betrayal of the highest order.
Plus i ain't no fool. You used to smash that (my cuz) and he thinks that ama break him off a lil' sumthin'...ninja please!!

Last thing i need is some dude going like: Yeah son, i had her and her cousin too.
His homeboy,"Dang son, you is the man!! Oh is that how they get down? Hook me up kid."

Hell-to-the-naw!!

He quickly changes topics and says that he wants to see me this weekend.

Oh hell no!

I got plans- whether it's the rave or just staring at the walls in the crib- i'm busy!!
He wants to come see me or i go see him. Of which we argued for about 30minutes. He wanted a reason why i was refusing to invite him.

Please, i'm going to see a dude who's not my man plus, i barely know him for a whole friggin' weekend?!
I did not fall off the turnip-truck this morning.

I don't do long distance relationships. If you don't leave close enuff for me to perform a swoop-down on ya ass at any given time, then forget it.

Great! Now i'm having a headache.

Ohh and my stalker has resumed regular programming. Had lengad his texts over the weekend in the hopes that he will get the hint- coz clearly me telling him that it's never ever going to work out over and over again ain't working.
I received a long email yesterday asking why i am refusing correspondence.

Sijui niseme.

Mo' drama

2007-08-11T12:32:00.000-04:00
Y'all should know by now that when i go quiet, it means there's some drama a brew.

Where do i begin??!!!

Remember the dude who i told you had a love jones for me(turns out to be the same dude who stood me up for our movie thingi?) I was talking about him to a guy pal of mine who came to the conclusion that the dude is stalking me.

Which, is slightly true coz the guy is relentless in pursuing me to the point where i do get a weeee bit worried.
But that's a story for another blog...

So, here's the 'T' for now:

There's this guy who used to mess with a cousin of mine a while back. Things never worked out for them. But she was deep in love with him and he...well, he had issues coz he had a mama at the time and it was complicated.

When i finally got around to meet him, i had heard so much about him that i hated him on site!! He didn't like me either so, it was all good.

Fast forward a few years later, we ran into each other. We exchanged pleasantries and caught-up with each others lives.
Then we exchanged numbers, of course i wasn't expecting him to ever get i touch with me.

But he did!

We talk, casual talk, nothing serious.

He called me up a few days ago to tell me that he will in my neck of the woods and we should hook up.

No big deal.

Just for back-up i brought one of my gal-pals...

We met at the rave hanged out and had a good time.

So when he's walking us to the car, my pal who is so high is loudly saying that me and this guy should hook-up.

"Kels i swear this is the man for you, gal!! Stop looking. He's the one."

"Oh hell no. Uh-uh."

"No, you should." she's still insisting.

"Gal, it's very complicated."

Then he jumps in and said. "Yeah it's complicated."

Then i broke away from the group to go get the car and left them two talking.

When i got to the car, he comes running leaving my pal to fend for herself(at 4 am i may add). I'm sitting on the driver side and he knocks on the window.

Window rolls down.

"Yaani you just gonna leave like that, bila goodbye?"
"Si i see your working your charm on my pal. I ain't trying to nyundo-block for nobody."
"Ahhh it ain't like that."
Then he quickly changes the topic.

"So am i getting my goodnight kiss?"

I tell you, men are amazing!!
Did he fall down, bump his head and forget that he was involved with family?!

"Nah. I can't do that man."

"Okay. Can i kiss you on the cheek?"

So i turn my face so that he can kiss my cheek. Kiss on the cheek. Then he grabs my chin and tries to aim for my lips... i move back.

"Weee, ebu relax man. Don't start something you can't handle."
He breathlessly replies: "Si i wanna french kiss you."

I roared in laughter. "Trust me, you don't want to go down that road with me."

Thankfully, my pal reached the car and got in.
All the while he still trying to whisper some mess in my ear.

"Aight, we gotta go. You drive back safe. Sawa?"
Nonchalantly he replies. "Sawa. I'll call you."

Mutters under his breath. Walks away from the car.

He calls me an hour later, ati he wants to come to my place.

I laughed.

(I guess the call of the wild was on-lol!)

Told his horny ass to go sleep.

While driving back, i told my pal the down-low with him.

Oy! This just keeps getting interesting...

Jason's Lyrics

2007-08-06T10:58:00.001-04:00
I watched Bourne Last night and i must say it was good. I like the knuckle fight scene with the assassin in Tangier and the Manhattan car chase was off-the-chain!! I couldn't help though but wonder what was missing. You know it's like when you make stew, you taste it, you smack your lips and say:
"Something's missing..."

That's how i felt when the movie was over. Maybe it's just me...i dunno.

So my movie date stood me up... Ebu someone gasp!!

Here's the deal. I called him up and we made plans for 7:30pm. This was around 5:45pm or so. So i finish my grocery shopping then went home to spruce up.
(oh did i mention that some Naija dude approached me while i was putting my groceries in the car and told that he wants to speak with me?! What a creep!! In this day and age of kidnappings, last thing i need is some dude stepping up to me near my own car.)

But i digress...

I get to the theater around 7pm. Then the guy calls me 10 minutes before the movie starts and asks me where i am? ALA?!! What's he smokin'?!
I'm like: I'm at the movies. You on the way?
Then he proceeds to tell me that we should catch the 8pm movie coz he suddenly discovered that he has a flat tire.

I'm like dude, why didn't you tell me earlier? We could have rescheduled?!

Then he starts to explain himself. At this point i really can't hear a damn thing coz i'm soooooooooooo freaking livid i can't see strait!!

I told not to even bother showing up and hang-up (okay i has someone on hold on the other line).
I went up to the counter, paid and went in.
Lucky, while i was on the line, i spotted a chic i know that i hadn't seen in years. So we chatted for a bit and decided to be each other's date...phew!! I did tell her about my no-show of a date and she felt sympathetic.
That nucca or rather ninja(thanx XL) better be glad that i love Matt Damon. He soothed me...a bit.

By the time i turned my phone back on after the show. I had 6 messages and 3 voice mails...from the dude. He was apologising and trying make it up to me.

Not to worry, his punishment has been secured.

It will be short and very severe!!

Tube Review

2007-08-02T10:02:00.001-04:00
Now that summer tv is about to end, boy am i glad!! 7 weeks and counting...

Here's a quick review:

I have been running my Public Television Station rugged!! And as a result, become a fan of "Last of the Summer Wine"

Someone in need of a serious beatdown: Chris Hansen.
Okay, so it was fun watching him catch online predetors. Now it's just done right annoying!!
He has become a one man-sting opertation. He's off in China cathing people selling fake drugs and running all over the country trying to nab i-pod thieves!! Chris, you just asking to get punched in the face at this point!!

And speaking of Dateline, how dare they get rid of Stone Phillips?! Wasn't he the line in Dateline?!! That Ann Curry needs a shot of personality...what a bore!!

Tyra's moving her show to the City(as if that will help!) Guess she has clearly run out of ideas in L.A. And why is she always trying to remind us that she was once a supermodel every chance she gets?!! Why is still on tv?!! I guess to show us that Beyonce ain't the only one weaving lace-fronts.

The View has hired Whoopi as one of it's host- YAWN!!!
I stopped watching the show after Star was mercilessly axed out. Not because of the fact that she was the only black lady on the panel, but Star was the 'view" to View. Drama up the wazoo!!
First, she was soooo damn fat, then went under the knife and lost a ton of weight, then started blinding us with her humongous ring from her very queenie fiance, followed by all the hoopla about her nuptuals...(and you know ain't no ounce of strait in that man she calls a husband!!)Oh! What was not to love about her!!...I was sopping it all up like a biscuit!!!

Fx's new show Damages is to die for. I love it!! I am hooked. Until they change the writers and the cast. Then, i jump ship.

All reality shows at this point need to be lined up and shot one by one. Can you believe Big Brother is still on! I mean, what point is it on by now, Big Bro 150?! Ugh!!

Tagged

2007-07-31T12:41:00.000-04:00
1)WE HAVE TO POST THESE RULES BEFORE WE GIVE YOU THE FACTS.

2)PLAYERS START WITH 8 RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT THEMSELVES.

3)PEOPLE WHO ARE TAGGED NEED TO WRITE THEIR OWN BLOG AND THEIR 8 THINGS AND POST THESE.

4) AT THE END OF YOUR BLOG POST, YOU NEED TO CHOOSE 8 PEOPLE TO GET TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES

5)DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TELLING THEM THEY ARE TAGGED, AND TO READ YOUR BLOG.

Here goes:

1) I am all about creams and emollients but mine has slowly become more of an obsession with skin care. At any given time i will have a minimum of 3 body washes and body scrubs and about 4 body lotions, oils and creams. All of which i do use(depending on my mood). I will not get caught out there with ashy skin!!

2)I love solitude. After going a night out with pals, the next few days i just want to be left alone. I want to detox from all of their energies(explains why i rarely go out with co-workers). I don't understand when peole say that they can't stand to be by themselves and need people around all the time. Blah!!

3) I sleep on two pillows. I read in some mag that sleeping with your head elevated drains fluids from your face and helps prevent waking up to a puffy look esp after a rough night of drinking.

4) To perk up my mood when at home,i play dress up. I break-out my 6 inch heels, a tight dress,put on some tunes and walk around the house doing light chores...or dance in front of the mirror- all the while sipping a little bit of wine. It makes me feel sexy.

5)I love Football(no not soccer). Most guys find it weird that i can have sports talk with them...duh?!! Some of us are not all about barbies and hair weaves, ya know!!

6)I can't stand people who drag their feet!! If we are supposed to be somewhere at a certain time and i'm suppose to come pick you up, please be ready.
Do not call me when i'm 10 minutes away, telling me that you still can't figure out what to wear or haven't showered. I will fight you!!

7)I love tea. I may not be of the western persuasion, but i dig me some tea!! Even with the heat wave going on, i will have a cup just for the sake of it.

8)I don't set time ahead. I don't know how those people who do it survive! I always feel like i'm cheating myself. If i have to be somewhere early then. i will leave early. Having my watch read 15 minutes ahead of the actual time throws me in a panic. I just can't do it.

So there's my weirdiosity in a nut-shell.

Dunno who to tag though. If you feel inspired please, feel free...

Throw back

2007-07-28T14:01:00.000-04:00
Now, i know that i shouldn't have been reading Udi's post on '90s music coz it caused me to go surfing for dem 'oldies'.

I came across the following guy groups.

Granted, they may be a little rough to look at for long periods of time, but nothing a brown paper bag can't fix eh?!

ENJOY!!!

Randomness

2007-07-19T14:25:00.000-04:00
You know it was a matter of time before a manhole exploded in the city and someone ending up dead... and it finally did!
I am not suprised. Those city manholes and grills over the subway lines are just a death trap waiting to get sprung!

Anyway back to regular programming:

To Catch-a- Predator is back in full swing. I laughed when i saw one of the men caught asking when he was going to be on tv. I guess so that his peeps can check him out- hilarious!

I don't know what to make of Victoria Beckham and her new show.
She doesn't appeal to me regardless!!
Now don't get me wrong, i do love all things British like tea and whatnot.
The thing is isn't she abit tooo old to be looking for the limelight?!
Americans will never embrace Soccer- sorry. We love our timeouts after every 5 minutes of play. And if we want a loooooooooooooooong boring sport, we got baseball.
And i don't care how hot Dave Becks is, he will never replace my Tom Brady....Gooooo Pats!!!
The only way she could win me over is if she was in a sex tape with R.Kelly peeing on her.

Shemar Moore(Movie buff may need to cover her eyes!!)was sported on a gay beach swimming in the buff- not that there is anything wrong with that. It's just that i thot that a man of his stature, he would be packing...alas!! I was sooooooooo disappointed!!
Now the gays can have him for sure...

In other news i am holding auditions for Kels Next Main Squeeze.
Please send in your applications and a quick essay outlining why i should choose you.
This only applies to:
Men only- (i ain't no lesbo...)
Single- (in every sense of the word)
Ages 27-35
With a job and...
a crib(living with your mama don't count).

I am an equally opportunity employer.

Good luck!!

Anyway...

2007-07-05T13:24:00.000-04:00
I tell you, holidays do a number on your body esp after crossing over the age of 25 years.
I'm as a tired as runaway slave despite having my freedom papers from massa.

I finally, finally got around to watching a movie i have heard alot of people talk about:

Baby Boy.

Shut up, i know what your thinking... and yes i watched it...
on VHS...
TAKE THAT DVD PLAYER!!!

Half-way thru, i got bored. What was the big fuss about it??

It was just another version of Friday.

And what sex scenes are they talking about?!!Please, i have seen more action on Sesame Street than what they had going on.

Was i watching the same movie Nonini talks about?

So one down, a few more to go. Someone told me Scarface is a good movie. Anybody got it on VHS?!! Mmh...?!!

ugh!

2007-06-28T11:42:00.000-04:00
Someone pass me a brown paper bag...i'm hyperventilating!! I stepped on the scale this morning and i've gained 2 lbs!!! WTH?!! That's it. I'm done eating. It's for losers anyway

But for real, i need those two pounds(plus 2 more if i can help it) off coz i'm wearing spandex in about 5 days and how unforgiving is that mess of a material??!! Oh and did i mention that it's white?!!
I don't have bulges or anything like that-coz i've been punishing my exercise mat to the fullest- It's just that having alighted from the fat train recently, i'm still getting used to the new bod. Oh and while passing the paper bag, i also need a number to a good shrink...

Speaking of someone in need of spanks. My sister bumped into Caroline Mutoko the other day and...it was nasty (Carol and her fat ugly-fat-ass).
Carol was very rude to her and her friend when they extended greetings to her.
Now, i've always like Carol from her days in Capital. I have heard though that since moving to Kiss she has gained notoriety by being rude and obnoxious.
And i say to that: Well, if i was banging my boss so that i can earn more money than everyone on my floor (and their spouses)combined and also get away with bad-mouthing people on air, hell yeah i would be rude and obnoxious too.
My sis did also mention that Carol has put on a ton of weight and to that i say: Well, if all i do is sit on my fat ass all day and after that be laying on my back, hell yeah you won't look like Naomi Campbell!!

So instead of her trying to lose weight(coz i hear that is her forte nowadays). My advice to her is: Carol, hook yourself up with some spandex gal!! Don't let that ass continue to giggle even when you've already sat down!!Oh and pushing away from the table wouldn't hurt either. Be it the dinner table or... the boss's table(Oh wait, you may need to stay right there under his table or on it. Gotta pay for all that mouthing off-pun!)

I guess female radio people are the same the world over...foul!!
I have come across some of them here and they all act the same way. Maybe they are bitter because they don't have their dream job(being an MTV vj or a multi-platinum artist).

I guess Kenyans who gain a little bit of limelight just let it get to their heads- especially when they work in radio and tv. That's why most of them don't go far. I don't care if your driving the latest Benz of the showroom. Sweetie, if you work in a radio station, shut up and play some damn music! Or if you are in tv: Read the teleprompter, give me some damn news, smile and keep it moving.
That's all i ask.

Now i'm getting faint- in need of glucose...fast!!

*sigh*

2007-06-26T10:48:00.000-04:00
How sad can my life get??!!!

I skipped church on Sunday(shut-up! I am a faithful church goer and member). So i skipped church to hit the mall. I have a bash to attend(non-kenyan thank God!) and the dress code is pretty strict- gotta have the independence colors.
That is some hard ish.
Why is it that when you are looking for something specific, it's quite rare and when you don't need it, it's in plenty?! I have never looked for the red,white and blue like that?!!
So to get rid of my frustrations, i swung by an Adult Store- I've never been to this particular one though it's situated on a major highway.
The first thing that greeted me was a mannequin wearing a strap on- hallo!!! What a welcome i tell you!

So i went round back to check out the rabbits section(thanks Medusa). They have a great and wide range of them-sizes and colors.
So I'm standing there deciding if i should get one.
Why you ask?
Coz this sista hasn't had some in a minute and driving the B-train is getting a little old.

Am all for self-love and all but, i just don't see how i'm going to lay they spread-eagle with this AA battery tool all up in me.
I'm sorry i just don't have the heart.
So i thot maybe i would get it and polish up on my head skills- not that i have any problem in that department, but we can always aim to be better than we already are, right?(someone better say AMEN!)
But such acts just add on to my hunger pangs. So, i opted out...for now.

They did have some pretty good stuff(kinky ones) and i will be back for a few purchases in the near future(okay in two weeks, coz like an eagle, I'm zero-ing in on some unsuspecting prey-lol!)

I did finally get something to wear for the party though. I will take pics and post them up.

In other news:

I do have a bit of a snafu going on though. There's this guy who has a thing for me(like a huge thing with like love and stuff all up in the mix). I always shoo him away and encourage him to date other chics coz I'm not feeling him like that.
So we had a big fight jana over text and i thot that i was home free i.e. we will never talk again and i can finally be at peace. The dude sends me a text at 7am today say that i am one of a kind, he's forgiven me and it's all good. I wanted to toss my phone out the window!!

I will blog about him another time. It's a tale and 3/4.
Right now, humidity awaits!!

Wave the flag!!

2007-06-23T13:43:00.000-04:00
Tis Gay Pride weekend!!!!

Big Up to the kids. March that Rainbow flag with pride!!

I couldn't possibly put up all the pictures of all the sugary men out there(allegedly) but here's some eye candy that is "candy."

The Ist pic is the fabulous Ru Paul- Queen Extraordinaire!!

Jesus be my hideout

2007-06-19T13:30:00.000-04:00
I plan to quit drinking, one less drink at a time.

Apparently the fad nowadays is to drink Poland Spring at the club.
Well slap me with a jug and call me Nyambura...Im In!!

Was out and about this last weekend, after promising myself that i will not show up anywhere where i may run into "my lover". Ha!! I laugh now!!

His bro called me on friday on his way to my lover's for a drink to ask me what's good, read: we need to go for another drinking sequel. I came up with tales from the crypt of how i gotta work extra hours at work over the weekend, bla bla bla...
quick someone give me their child to babysit on saturday for a nominal fee.

Then on saturday around 10pm he sends me a text, telling me that he's thinking about me. I was like EH?!!
I mean, i wish that it was his brother who was telling me that and not him. I tell you if this nucca would style up, we would be making love more than war- coz we are always fighting about some crazy ish that don't make sense.
So anyway, i down played those texts and then when i told him that i was stepping to go out. He then asks me if i want company...oh hell no!!
I don't need no married with children man on my ass all damn night. He was disappointed.
Oh well...I'm now in the ministry of breaking hearts.

I get to the club and low and behold, my lover's present. Crap!!
Now i gotta straiten up my act- read: no falling out from all the Grey Goose that i was planning on inhaling-damn!!

"Waiter, where my water at?!" Forget that, show me where the faucet be.

Here's the weird thing about our 'thing':

Currently we are on the outs- (his fault of course, coz he's got baggage like a mutha). But if he sees me getting chatted up or some dude getting too close (dancing or talking), he gets mad.
So he kept stalking me the whole night.(He would suddenly show up, standing 20feet away from me talking to some dude, pretending to be intune with their conversation but, his body is facing me and he's stealing glances my way. Of course i'm checking him too out at the corner of my eye like: "Kula huu ndugu."
I flip my hair, look at him and turn to the guy i'm talking to!)

Finally, i got tired of the game and went up and said "HI!"
He, in turned, acted so nonchalant like it was no biggie- i should taken out my high heels and smacked him!!...Then nursed him back to health. Damn that nucca!!

In other news, i'm done watching porn. I kid you not, either my supplier is a strait-up bum or i'm becoming asexual. Someone help me out.

Oh boy...

2007-06-10T13:03:00.000-04:00
Just when i thot that some stuff in life only happens on the Maury Show, someone sign me up to be a quest!!

I tell you, so yesterday I'm sitting, chilling with my good pal(a guy) knocking back drinks and chatting up a storm since we haven't hanged out for a minute.

In the course of yapping, my pal starts giving me his sad marriage life story, how the strokes are quiet limited and all, how his mama is always stressing him the minute he walks thru the door, bla bla bla. So I'm listening, being all sympathetic and whatnot.

Shortly, jamaa starts telling me the way he has always been feeling me from like 4 years ago when he first moved here. But because he is married and stuff he just keeps it on the low-low. I tell him that I'm flattered and all but, i respect peoples' relationships and wouldn't cross that line.
Thinking that we are done with that vibe, guys still continues to tell me how he would love to go down on me...i almost fell off the bar stool!! I'm like:"Kuwanga serious bana." And he's like it's for real, that's something he has always been wishing.
Now i start laughing cause I'm so nervous.
I blow off that storo, we knock back a few more then we head out.

He gives me a push-(yes a push lol!!) to my car and while standing out there, drinking water, trying to sober up to avoid a DUI charge, he grabs my hips and crouches down and is stares at my lower half- actually where my jean zipper, as if he's trying to unzip me with his laser vision.
I'm like: "Dude get up. It's not going to go down, and especially not out here." He is still insisting and he's like.:"Kels, if you give me the chance not only will i lamba you proper, I'll toss your salad as well."

I turned crimson!!

All i could think off was jumping into my car and running home!!
I quickly finish up my water, and told him that i gotta run. I just couldn't take it anymore!!

Now the twist in all this is, the dude is my lover's brother!!
Yes, my off and on again, can't-decide-what-we-want-to-do-with-each-other, lover. Right now we are on the outs coz he's being an ass(as always).

Dude juas about me and his brother, well he sort of figured it out a while back but never said anything. And we did talked about it while drinking, so i guess confirming his speculations.

Ugh!!!!
I'm sick to my stomach -both from the vodka and his wanting me revelation.
I need to go lay down... alone!!

Porno- oh-no

2007-06-05T11:15:00.000-04:00
I spent a good portion of my weekend watching porn- yes, yes, i know. I'm blooming with possibility nowadays *smh*

My pal gave me a copy to go watch and probably learn a trick or two(unbeknown to him, I'm quick the athlete) *maniacal laughter*

So this wasn't the regular adult film with A-list actors. Nope, it was jam packed with g-list actors. G for ghettoooo. Oh, it was horrendous!!

First off let me say that 98%of the women featured need a cat-trap face lift...moment of silence...Their traps were drooping and looked very lifeless. Oh, i was sooo shocked i had to pull out a mirror and check myself (out of sheer paranoia)!!

So, there were a few scenes that had me rolling over in laughter.
Here's a few that i remembered, because i fell asleep half-way.

There was this couple(clearly Hispanics) who just wanted to get video-taped doing the do. SO they are given a hand-held camcorder and they begin. Talk about clumsy, mara the dude has to stop what he's trying to do to get the right focus, mara he gives his woman the camcorder to hold, it was a big ol' mess. How they survived to the end was amazing to me.

Then there was this scene with a Japanese woman with big fake boobs and blond hair, so she gets out of the shower then the scene cuts to where she is getting it on with this dude who down on her wearing a mask...of a gorilla...yes people, a black gorilla mask!! I was like WTH IS THIS MESS?!!.
So when they were done she says,"Oh, you are such an animal." And he says,"And you Jane." I hit the floor in laughter. They were re-enacting Godzilla.

The scene that took the cake was this white blond woman and two black men, who in my opinion were West Africans.
So she's busying helping herself to a dick-load(pun) all the while none of these two men touched anyway in her body,not the boobs not her sex...nothing(mmmhh typical of most African men).
So poor blond woman, none of these men went down on her, i can just imagine the conversation between the the men and the director.
D:Okay so we gonna have you two guys tag-team a nice looking blond woman
(The two west Africans laugh loudly and hi-five each other. then they turn to leer at the blond who walks into the room)
D:So it's pretty routine, a bit of touching, kissing, feel free to go down on her.
W.A1: Oh-oh broda i don't go down on a woman-oh,any woman for that matter-oh.
W.A2: Me too-oh. I don't eat pussy-oh. The only fish i eat is when it's fried and comes with foo foo.
D:Ok. no problem

Talk about a raw deal. One of the man had a member, i kid, you not, that must have been about 10inches!!
Now that's were i draw the line. Oh hell to the naw!! I am not having that kind of one-eyed snake tapping my shoulder in the middle of the night asking me to answer the call of the wild.

Suffice to say, i now see where men get most of their skills from, the forcefullback of the head grabbing while blowing him and asking dumb question like should he come in my face...oh hell no!! I will take your member and beat you down with it if you dare that!!

Oh well, that just me and my crazy self.

Funny

2007-05-31T13:33:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's a slow day. But enjoy this lovely funny forward i got from my pal.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ...... Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si thought "Generol Muotos" was in the army.
* Si thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an applicason where it says "Sign here" si wrote......... "Sagittarius ......."

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si took the ruler to bed to see how long Si slept.
* Si sent a fax with a stamp on it

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si tripped over a cordless phone.
* Si spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate......."
* Si told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK. "

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Si studied for a blood test.
* When Si missed matatu number 44 to Githurai .....Si took matatu number 22 twice instead.
* When Si went to the Jomo Kenyatta Airport and saw a sign that said, " Airport Left," Si turned around and went home.

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* When Si heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, Si moved......
* Si thought if Si spoke her mind, Si'd be speechless .......
* Si thought that Si could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* Si had a shirt that said "TGIF," which Si thought stood for "T his Goes In Front."

Si was Soooooooo Biutiful ......Atoti Nyar Yimbo
* Need I say more ...eh yawah....

Bored at work...

2007-05-29T13:23:00.000-04:00
Thank God that long-ass weekend is over. Yes i had no plans plus, outside felt like a freaking oven...ugh!!

So, i channeled surfed all day- how i'm not in a coma is by the grace of God!!

I tell you i need a tv refund coz, aiiii now it's gone beyond torture.

There was a throw-down between my two favorite shows last night: Antiques Roadshow and Nature(yes am an avid Public Tv Fan). It was nail-biting!! Nature did win eventually coz they always tug at my heartstrings when they talk about African Wildlife.

When that was done, i flipped over to...hold your breath now...Telemundo. I know i know, even i was surprised!!
Miss Universe was on...WTH?!! Just how relevant is that pageant really?!

The funny thing was that i was completely lost in translation. Duh!! The few Spanish words i know are: Ola, Si, Bueno, Tacobell & JLo. And so far so good.

The pageant was held in Mexico...I know right?! Ain't there about 2 peole left in the entire country? What bait did they use for them to stay up long enough to put up the stage and lights? Free Border pass, Si?!

Earlier in the day, say about 4pm, Mama Oprah was.

(Moment of Silence- Mama O has clearly achieve demi-god status at this point).

They were talking about...err...it's coming to me...wait...oh, it was self-esteem or something like that (i was under the influence).
So anyway, they were talking about how Asian women crave to have an eye crease. I hit the floor laughing, but then it became a sad thot that we women try to attain impossible beauty standards, to appease other women. Trust me, we don't lose weight, change out hair color or wardrobe for the men...uh huh we do it for our gal pals. Men jsut benefit as a side dish.

So as I saw Miss Japan win the title i thot to myself: Does she have an eye crease?

Pleasure Zone

2007-05-27T19:39:00.000-04:00
Disclaimer:I am slightly out there(surprise!!)

So seeing that i have all this time in my hands i decided why not share my kooky side.
I treasure the small things in life that we tend to over look in this 24/7 non-stop life-style we got going on(yet they bring a smile to my face and some sort of weird satisfaction, you know, LOL!).

Here are some of them:

Scalp scratching: Have you ever had an itch sooooo good that you did not want it to stop?! I know we all have!
Have you ever scratched an itch that it atcually took your breath away?! I have!

Well, let me take you back: One thing i used to love when i was in High School was when we would sit outside on Saturdays and grease each other's scalp while we talked about our boyfriends and our crushes(mine was Tevin Campbell- shut up i know i'm showing my age by revealing that!)
Haha.
So anyway, we would sit outside and yap away.
My best friend at the time was soo good at the hair-grease thing, chics used to line-up just to have her do them.
She would first part your hair into 2 sections then, make thin lines across your head and give your scalp a good scratching before oiling. OH!! Twas divine i tell you!! By the time she got to the middle of your head, you were in a trance-like state...just strait-up mum!!
She was so good, you'd forget what you were talking about!!

I still enjoy a good scalp scratch especially when i go to the salon to get my afro washed. I always tell the wash-lady: "Put more pressure."

Another way to experience a good scalp scratch is when wearing a weave and ladies you will agree when it gets hot under all that fake hair and you feel the itch coming on, and a nice thin knitting needle does the trick(no wonder my mom had them all over the house!)

Ear cleaning: Now hold on before you run off screaming: "Crazy!!" Hear me out.
Have you ever wet a q-tip with a bit of spit, put it in your ear, turned the q-tip around s-l-o-w-l-y and actually felt like you were about to experience an orgasm?? No?!! Oh, let me tell you.
Your eyes just roll back, your head tilts to the side,your body leans back,your mouth is open ever so slightly just enough to let you suck in a bit of air and your eyes are half-closed!! WHAT?!! It's the best feeling yet!!

Scab Picking: When i was young and my badges of honor were the grazes on my knees and elbows, i used to love picking the scab. Oh just the thrill of pull the old dry skin used to make me look forward to the next fall. I was soo vicious that i would beg my siblings to let me pick at their grazes once the healed.
Oh, and did you ever pick at a wound that was not completely healed only for it to start bleeding again?! Yes!! that was fun.
Alas now i'm graze free, except for the occasional paper cut. *SIGH* i miss the good old days.

Body scrubing: I am have always had a love love affair with body scrubs since forever. I am not talking about those girly-so-soft scrubs, uh-huh i needs me some hard-core body scrub that makes you feel like your skin is about to peel off and fall on the bathroom floor.
I got this new Coconut Butter Body Scrub- it has bits of coconut husks in it and boooyyyyyy let me tell you. As you scrub away, you actually feel your skin getting hot...ahhh tis the best. By the time i'm done my skin is steaming like lunch-time brocolli.

And of course there's the breast touch: Now i gotta say not a lot of men do not know how to handle breasts(can't blame them though, it's not like there's a manual out for them eh?)
It's either they grab them as if they are picking produce- squeezing ever so roughly or they knead them together like play-doh! That hurts, news flash!!
But once in a while a man will come along who knows what to do with my girls...

Ladies, you ever had a man who knew just how much pressure to apply on you all the while sucking and slightly nibbling on you?! And knows how to give your girls equal time and attention?! He doesn't only linger on the nipples, uh-huh, he is on the entire breast sucking, licking, kissing and nibbling?!!

Mmh Mmh Mmh!!
I'm tingling just thinking about it.

[Deep inhale]

Let me just close my eyes and imagine...

Summer plans

2007-05-26T13:52:00.000-04:00
Unless you live under a rock somewhere in the artic circle, summer is in full effect. Damn!! It's hot!! Worst part- the humidity that's slowly creeping up!!

So i decided to make summer plans, (something to do since tv sucks ass major!!)

1) Keeping the weight off- As y'all know, i done lost me a few lbs and loving it!! But i seems that i'm getting backlash. One guy pal of mine was telling me that i am getting to skinny and that i need to add on some weight! WTH?!! He's just jealous! Infact anybody commenting that i need to add on any weight is strait-up hatin'!! Don't hate just coz you see me crusing up and down in the two-piece bikini aisle in Target!

2)Mind my language: I'm dusting off my Mui Huwa Mwema yet again and reading it for the... oh hell, look i just need to brush up on my swa. Not that i'm losing it or anything but i can't seem to hold a swa convo to the end without throwing in some english words. So, armed with my Kamusi and Nahau book, i'm ready to compete in a msamiati throw-down...by summer's end.

3)Be in a meaningful relationship:This may be a bit of a stretch but, hey! a sista can dream ama?! I do want to be in relationship(no seriously don't laugh). I have been single for a long time and well, i'm tired of getting on and off on the B-train. Need K to be constant(or is it Sex). And anyway, i need to reap the rewards of all my waxing appointments. I'm tired of the only action i'm getting lately is when i'm spreading them for the hot-wax,some wax strips and a gently tap on my leg(coz i tend to tense up) telling me: "Relax honey, or it's gonna hurt." Just before i hear the rip soundeffect.

4)Pay attention to my dreams: Yes i may be cuckoo for cocoa puffs when it comes to all things mystic(yes, i'm built that way)but, i did have a dream sometime back was a warning but did pay attention? Nope! Was too busy . The result- I ended up suffering some serious consequences.

5) Ease off the gas pedal: Not that i'm trying to save on gas coz at this point it's between a decent meal or gas for my car. These gas prices are ridiculous!! I don't know about where you live but here in the Wind-ward side of Shimbahills, it's "We are siphoning money from you in any way we can" campaign. I tell you cops are pulling folk over for doing 26 in a 25mph zone.
And those fines are nooooooo joke!
I did find myself infront of a judge the other day pleading my violation case- crap i have never felt sooo scared in my entire life!! A flash of The OZ did come-up in my head several times while waiting to get called.
So from now on know i'm driving like grandma coz these cops are just hiding in the bushes with their speed-radars pointing out to traffic just waitng for you're(unsuspecting,talking-on-the-cellphone-without-your-handsfree,eating,and loud-music-blasting-clearly-speeding)ass.

Have a great week y'all. I'm off to find ways to dodge this hot sun coz this SPF 60+ i got on, isn't helping much.

errm...

2007-05-19T15:50:00.000-04:00
I had something intelligent to blog about then i remembered...WTH?!!
So,while i get organised, here's randomness...

I was on KM's blog where she was talking about meeting her man's ex who is a hottie. I sympathized with her. I jumped up, made a placard in protest:"Down with hot ex's!!" then i dawned on me...
"Wait one doggone minute!! Am i not some guy's ex?!!"
Last thing i need to be, is looking like a dragon when i meet up with my ex and his new catch, so i quickly pulled down my sign and made a bonfire!! And quickly invested in a good lipgloss!! I ain't going out like a punk ya know!!

What in the world happened to Kaggz?? She stormed onto the blog world, ruffled feathers and then disappeared as quick as she showed up. Someone get the Akiwumi Inquiry and find her.

I was having a casual sex-talk with a guy pal of mine and i happened to mention that i like to tie-up guys( oh, you gotta be of boyfriend status...MILO!!) and since then he just looks at me like am a freak of nature.
Now our friendship has changed. He's trying to bed me?!!
WTH?!!
Everytime he calls or txt, he tries to steer the conversation from what's on tv to when are we hooking up. I did tell him i wouldn't sleep with him because he does have a rep as a ho. So he's trying to convince me otherwise...oh puhleez, i ain't going down. I'm done talking to guys i know about my sex life.

I skipped my waxing appoinment today. Not for nothing, i drank some Sangria last night and it did not go down well, woke up at 3:47am to throw up and ended up with a King-sized hangover. By the time i got up again, it was waaay past my time and i did not feel like spreading them while nursing my sick self.

On the flip side, my clothing shipment arrived today...i'm ready for summer, and lots of skin will be showing. The down side of losing too much weight is that you have to invest in a whole new wardrobe...dang!! I miss my trusted fundi from back home who for 10bob would tighten up my loose fitting jeans.

Crap!! My headache is back!!

I need Tylenol or Tyrone...whoever can get to me first!!

11 reasons why ladies today are still single

2007-05-10T13:37:00.000-04:00
I got this from a gal friend and it does ring true in some cases.

Enjoy!!

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we
are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.

This is how i FEEL!!

2007-05-03T11:12:00.001-04:00

Throw back

2007-04-22T11:37:00.000-04:00
Now you know you are definately Kenyan old school if you can recall ANY of the following: Happy Trails!!

1) The Slumber bed tv commercial that had those people posing as the springs and then a skinny woman would get on the bed and they would dip slightly, then her fat hubby would get in and ...boy did those springs ever dip!!

2) When KBC(then VOK), used to have cue cards for commercials. Remember the one that was a picture of a guy very drunk and siting behind the wheel of the car and the side note said "Do not drink and Drive" and they would play like the song: "Don't drive drunk."

3) When trying to get to the right radio station involved turning a big nob that was written "tuner" on top of it!

4) When KBC's English General Service and Kiswahili Service was in MW and not FM.

5) Remember that song they played before the news was read? A horrible army like tune. Then that awful beep that followed. The announcer would then say: "Hivi sasa ni saa saba kamili. Habari kwa ufupi."

6) Got late getting back to school at lunch time coz you were caugh-up listening to lunch-time music.

7) Tuned to Kiswahili Service at 3pm to listen to "Desturi ya Kombo."

8) Michael Bolton was a hit. And your mom's or one of your sisters had his tape.(yeah cd's were a bit slow to get then).

9)The first 15 minutes of the Sunday evening news involved showing the former president, getting to church, singing hymns, listening to the preacher (bonus points if you can remember that preacher's name) and then after church service,planting a tree or something like that. Now that was strait-up torture!!

10)Your daily weekday alarm involved on of the following songs:
a) Hata wewe mwanagu amka kumekucha, kwani hizi ndizo saa za kwenda shule.
b) Amka!! Kumepambazuka tena, twendeni tufanye kazi. Ujenzi wa taifa letu Kenya, latutegemea sisi.

11) Remember the following Kids shows:

a) Button Moon and it's jingle: "We're going to Button moon, we follow Mr. Spoon. Button moon, button moooooon." Yes and Mr. Spoon used to have his own space shuttle and would end up on the moon.

b) Wind in the Willows and it's jingle. Loved Toad(the misguided billionaire), the wise Badger and polite Mole. Oh and the thugs were the foxes and were always in berets and turtle necks. LOL!

c) The BBC show Rainbow.

d) Muppets on Acid aka Fraggle Rock. Oh those muffets were waaaaaaay cooler than the regular muppets on "The Muppet Show". They had parties, lived underground, were always throwing themselves off cliffs and never got hurt...gosh!!

e) Mix them, Gather them. Yes it was a show from Coast and oh, it was painful but you still found yourself watching it. I think it was their accent that made it soo appealing.

f) Zama Zetu. And you know nyanya had a story up her sleeve everytime.

g) Kiini Macho. How that Indian guy had a show-contract for that long just lying to unsuspecting kids is one of the greatest mysteries in Kenyan tv history.

Ola

2007-04-19T19:54:00.000-04:00
Boy am i glad to be back on the web!!

What is it about the latest strain of cold/flu bug going round? What happened to the good old days when you'd feel a cold coming on, take something at 9am and by lunch time you were ready to cut class/ work to go swing on a gate just for the heck of it?!!

I tell you, after a few sneezes over the weekend, i couldn't get out of bed for the last 4 days!!

Oh well, but now i'm better. And to celebrate my return to good health, i'm drinking a Smirnoff Ice!!

Oh, and i have lost about 3lbs as a result of being sick, but don't cry for me Argentina!! The more 3rd world i look, the better i feel...someone call Vogue, i'm ready for my close-up!! LOL!!

AOB

2007-03-31T11:31:00.000-04:00
I recently have become an FM addict.(forget hi-def radio, i ain't got time to be buying special receivers for all that crap). I'm sticking to the ones already there- tried and true.
By the way have you ever wondered how/why radio is free? I mean compared to having cable that faithfully steals from you every month despite there being nothing but a pile of crap on tv, day-in day-out!!

Anyway as i was saying about my tuner-fad. I came across this nutty lady who has an afternoon show. She was talking one time about how after she became clean(was into coke major) she has now channeled all that energy into being a planner, and not just any old planner. She plans her life to six months out! I thot she was nuts! She calls it Bree Vanderkamping(from DHousewives). She books her family's doctors appointements, where and when they are going for vacation, she's invovled in her son's school, has her own hustles on the side on top of having a radio show. I'm exhausted just writing about her life!!
She said that once you have an addiction to something and you overcome it, you sort get another addiction to fill that void.

Back to me.
I have always loved food- God i love it! And if you were a close friend, you would have noticed that i get all excited whenever food is mentioned.

I did notice however, that after moving to this country, i have silently been going up a pant size almost every 6months to a year. Not that i am a junk food fanatic, it's just that i've never changed my old eating habits, which consisted of eating like a famine was about to break-out in an hour's time.
The straw that broke the camel's back? Last summer when i had to buy a size 12 swimdress, not a costume-(tankini or just 1 piece, a swim-damn-dress!!). I'm not saying that 12 is a big size, but i am no statuesque chic so, yeah, i had reached my breaking point in the dressing room. My ass was just out there, wanting it's own zip-code and so did my hips!
I took matters into my own hands and got on a diet and exercise program. Well, it's been about 6 months and i gotta say that i have lost a whole lot of weight and i feel like a new person. N/B: I was not weighing or even near 200lbs, so relax.

The positive side is walking into the dressing room and calling out for the assistant to bring you an outfit in a smaller size!
Crap, now i sound like the crazy women you see in those 3am informercials!

The negative: I am soo afraid of gaining the weight back that i am sometimes substituting a good portion of food for alcohol.

I am not falling out drunk, but there are days when i get home, tired and hungry and i can't even bring myself to look at the stove or the fridge.Instead i reach for a glass of wine and call that dinner. The result, i nearly passed out from exhaustion this past week. I do plan to cook this weekend for the whole week but i know by tuesday night, i will be tired of warming up food, so i'll reach for my trusted wine and call it a night.

Weight issues aside, i still can't figure out my love life- since Milo is still dealing with women of ill-repute(you know i gotta throw gas on it).
I am basically clueless when it comes to men.
The bilaz train has made several pit-stops this month but i don't know why my lover and i just can't seem to get a relationship going. Even the pit-stops aren't that frequent.
I did apply slight pressure the other day and had my way but, boy did i feel bad after that. I guess i'm still old fashioned and want the guy to make the move. At this point i don't know what i really want. Honestly speaking, the passion is dying because it's not translating into what i would like- a relationship. The thrill of seeing and being with him is not as strong and potent as it once was. Gosh! am i turning into a dude?!!

*sigh*

On a positive note, it's the weekend and someone close to me is buying drinks...yay! No, i'm no lush,just need to unwind from a hectic week and a non-existant love-life.

Rant

2007-03-24T23:44:00.000-04:00
I will go down on record having said that blogging is like crack. You quit, cuss it out, go into rehab to detox, just to find yourself right back where you were before(actually much worse coz you come back with a vengence)!!

The same applies to going for Kenyan Funkies...

Goodness me!!! If i can have a $1 for the number of times i have sworn off attending another bash/heng that has wanainchi invovled, i would be in Forbes.

Everyday, like a New Year's resolution that doesn't go stale i vow: "I, Kelitu, aka Kels, aka Shimbahills finest, being of sound mind hereby proclaim that i will not be attending any Kenyan funkies for atleast 6 months. A time to which my system will have fully detoxed and decluttered from all things Kenyan. I promise to uphold this confession until the maximum sentence has been carried out."

But just like a bad rash that is resistant to anti-biotics, i find myself being dragged into another on of these funkies (if it's not a birthday, it's a wedding, a baby shower-which have become like an epidemic lately- or it's s fundraising of some sort.) After which i always leave with a bad taste in my mouth(and not because the drinks suck).

I have discovered that Kenyans, regardless of how long and far you stay away from them, will find a way of bounty-hunting you.

You go M.I.A for a few months and the first thing you get after resurfacing is: "Yaani Kelitu nowadays you are not feelings us eh?" "Umelost sana jo. You don't come hangout with us. You don't call people. Whose this jamma who has you under wraps like this, kwani you are dating a jungu ama an akata like this? Ama you have pandad bei and don't wanna mingle with us?"
But of course being that i went to manners school, instead of yelling:"F**k off!!!" I smile politely and reply:"Niko tu. Busy, busy bana. Si you jua how this place just harakisha people."
Then you have to spend the rest of the night ducking questions of what you've been up to since they saw you last Kwaanza.

I do not have the luxury of living the rural USA, where you can always blame it on some tornado blocking your path to hareez. I do live in suburbia, still try to duck and hide from wazalendo, but it's hard man. Especially if you used to roll with them daily back in the day when you was a fresher, but now you have moved on.

Here's a scenario i encountered lately:

I was invited to a bash and only went because the host is my good friend plus, there was promise of food.
I check in, say "wsup" to the usual hooligans i know and keep it moving. Grab a drink and start makelele with a galfriend i haven't seen for a minute.

Everything is going on well. The music is on point, drinks flowing and everyone looks nice.

After a few hours, one guy approaches me and strikes up a conversation. Apparently i had we had met before at some other funkie but i couldn't remember him. Then he start spiting bile of how i was feeling sweet for him the last time we met and i refused to give him my phone number. Immediately, i went into defense mode (spartan style) and told him that i do have a right as to who i give/ not give my number to.
You would think with the cold front i am throwing at him, he would get the hint and keep it moving to somewhere sunny and warm...Wapi?!!
He's sticking around like glue.
He tries another lame attempt...again...to get my number, telling me that he just wants to say hi. I told him:"Well, aren't you not here? Aren't you not saying 'Hi?'. What other 'Hi' is there that you wanna tell me?"
Then, seeing that he is not going to suceed to get my digits, flips the script and offer his. I told him strait-up: "I am not going to call you, so don't."

Kumbe!!

Dude got ticked off and went on his bile campaign. After he was done (coz i just looked at him make an ass of himself) i still held my ground..."nope don't want your number and i won't give you mine".

The thing i do not get is why do men(most of them) think that just coz you are vibing a chic that you gotta get the digits? What ever happened to, "I have a choice to say no to you?"
It's not about feeling hot or anything.If i'm not feeling you, i'm not feeling you. Why can't you just understand that?

What's the point of having my number and i will never pick up when you call(thanx to caller-id), or have your number and never call you?

I'm just trying to make things easy for the two of us. Don't want to give you false hope that i will ever call. Why can't you please just get off my ass and let me be!!

Kiss-and-tell

2007-03-16T20:22:00.000-04:00
The weekend's here: Yay!

Sadly, it's sleeting like a mutha: BOO!!

So i am jeting-off to sunny Hawaii for the weekend(in my mind), while i shovel the driveway and de-ice the car.

I do want someone out there in blog-world to answer this puzzling question: Why is it that people close their eyes when kissing? It's funny how your eyes are open until your lips meet and then it's like the eyes just automatically close! Is there a scientic reason for it or something?!

I did date a guy once who used to kiss me with his eyes open. I did not know of this disturbing behavior until one day, i happened to open my eyes to look at him while we were kissing and boom!- his eyes were all wide open and starring down at me. It was one hell of a creepy feeling! I quickly squeezed my eyes shut. I felt like i'd been caught stealing or something.

My M.O. is that i steal glances during the kissing, just see if he is enjoying it as much as i am.

So what about you? Share your experiences with me. I'd love to hear them.

Beautiful Liar

2007-03-03T14:18:00.000-05:00
Okay now i may not be B's no. 1 fan but, i am digging this track- well coz shakira is in it(lets be honest).
Enjoy!!
p/s: i am signing up for belly dancing classes pronto!!!

Roll it Gal

2007-02-28T14:23:00.000-05:00
I love this song but couldn't figure out who sang it!! Now that i've found it, can't get enuff of it!!

Numbers

2007-02-18T15:22:00.000-05:00
I came across a Numerology book this past week and all I can say is: WOW!!

It’s amazing how numbers tell your personality. I am not the type to believe any charlatan with something mystic to say, but this numerology book did open my eyes- a bit.

Kwa ufupi, your personality is matched to your birth number. If you born on the 8th of any month, your number is 8. If you were born on the 29 of any month, your birth number would be (2+9=11; which is 1+1=2) 2.
Yeah, there’s a little bit of adding up involved.
The birth numbers are 1-9, so if you was born on the 10th of any month, your birth number is (1+0=1) 1.

So, a little home work for those of you interested in finding your traits (positive and negative) as it relates to your birth number. Happy Unveiling:

Number 1

+ Ambitious, daring, generous, fearless, dynamic.
- Arrogant, selfish, cold, bullying, manipulating.

Number 2

+ Mild-mannered, considerate, peace-maker, persuasive, charming
- Petty, deceptive, hoarding, cruel, insincere

Number 3

+ Creative, popular, confident, articulate, musical
- Vain, dictatorial, self-indulgent, jealous

Number 4

+ Honest, disciplined, practical, loyal, steady
- Dull, crude, hateful, insensitive, melancholy

Number 5

+ Versatile, literary, curious, spontaneous, freedom-loving
- Self-indulgence related to sex, irritable, abusive

Number 6

+ Loving, magnetic, sociable, artistic, understanding
- Domestic tyrant, cynic, self-righteous, jealous

Number 7

+ Intuitive, refined, secretive, philosophical, probing
- Sarcastic, recluse, no depth, cunning, too critical

Number 8

+ Authoritative, conservative, executive ability, religious
- Greedy, power-hungry, intense, scheming

Number 9

+ Humanitarian, courageous, competitive, resourceful, spiritual
- Impulsive, argumentative, heartless, narrow-minded.

Men Please

2007-02-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

Next time your lady friend is giving you an oral favor, could you please stop grabbing the back of our heads in a vice-grip (with no room for movement) and pushing us all the way down.
DAMN!!

It’s hard to work it, control my gag reflexes and breath at the same time.

I know what I’m doing! I will add more motion to it when I feel the time is right. Just sit back and enjoy!!
...Or i will be forced to bite and we both don't want that. Do we now? mmh?

It's Friday

2007-01-19T15:39:00.000-05:00
It's freezing cold.

Snow everywhere.

Thirsty for a nice cold glass of Chardonnay to take the edge off.

My friend(you know who you are) during the week send me an email where he was telling how over the past weekend or so, he was kissing some random chic's breasts...and for some sad strange reason, that statement turned me on BIG time!! I remember a time-not so long ago- when i had someone kissing my breasts.

*very heavy sigh* and *rolls eyes*

CRAP!!

I'm horny!!

Oh well, here's to the weekend...

Still alive

2007-01-17T13:24:00.000-05:00
Despite contrary reports, i will most definatley make a good mother when i have my own kids. Sorry my blog baby.

Yes i'm back- from vacation. Tooo much going on(like having to clean out my fridge),too much to write(reports, resumes, wills) and little time available(finally dawned on me that there are 24 hours in a day!! damn!!).

I'm staying clear of talking about my love-life (trust me enough people have heard about my boo-hooing about it so...)it's being starved to death!

Since i am a tvnista in my mind, i will talk about the second love of my life- TV SHOWS!!
First off: Tv sucks nowadays, I mean WTH?!! I am about to slug the tv. Did someone fall asleep on the control buttons over at the station headquaters?!

I can't believe 24 is back... who got Jacked for that show to come back?! Jack Bauer has more lives than an alley street cat!!
Someone in FOX please kill this show. I don't understand that despite all the '24 fans', Keifer has been outshown twice by Hugh Laurie for Best Male Actor in a Drama Series!! Mmm...hallo!!!

PrisonBreak will be back Monday *mini yawn*. Don't get me wrong i loved this show when it 1st came out and i never missed an episode, but after the break-out, they have been stretching the truth i alittle bit too much- they are insulting my inteligence(or rather what's left of it!).

Didn't watch much of the Golden Globes but the fact that Beyonce did not win- i was thrilled!! I am tired of her!! Go J-Hud!! And she (Bey C3PO)needs to lay off the bronzer, she was looked like the tin-man had rolled himself on the yellow brick road only J-Lo looks good all bronzed up.

The Office is still good but, but it's starting to veer alittle to the left. That's the problem when a show becomes popular. The style changes. I liked it more when it was only four people watching-me included- and the execs where contemplating axing it.

I don't do House anymore, Dr. House is not limping and on a rotten mood like he was before...BLAH!!

My favorite show-Justice- is MIA and i can't seem to get a report from FOX where it went. I knew things were narrow for the show when it was moved from Monday to Friday- (if you don't know, any show that gets slated for the Friday Primetime Slot after previously being on the must-see tv days (Mon-Thur)is halfway out the door).

American Idol is back- yet again for a 6th season. Crap! My ears are already beginning to bleed.

Top Model- boy they killed me when they brought that British Version. I mean i love my brits like i love my gays but jeez, those brit accents are killa!! I couldn't understand half of what was being said.

I am about to pass out of hunger. Gotta and actually sort out my thots for the next blog entry.

Mini-rant

2006-12-13T13:57:00.000-05:00
You know what's really sad? Jamhuri Day came and went and i had no clue. I am seriously losing my Kenyan edge.

What do Kenyan artistes mean when they say the word majani? Is it money or is it weed?
Plus when they say that a chic amejipa is it that she self-pleasures or she has sex with a dude?

Clearly y'all can see i'm not up to par with what's happening in the streets.

And speaking of losing more Kenyan edge...

When will some Kenyan men (speaking to those who are abroad) stop acting like asses and style-up?? Urgh!!!! I'M DONE WITH ALL Y'ALL MOFOZ!!
If a chic ain't feeling your game, why do you go out and mud-sling her name to your boys in a drunken spree?!! Why can't you just agree that things didn't work out and keep it moving?!! Kwani you have to sleep with every chic you talk to and hang out with?!
Small minded men are such a turn-off. I hope the plague fall on ya asses!!!Mshindwe!!

Aahhh!! Now i feel much better. Thanx!!

Will, will, will

2006-12-05T12:18:00.000-05:00
He could get it!!

I miss Toni...

2006-11-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

Finding Me...

2006-11-11T20:17:00.000-05:00
So it's finally getting colder with each passing day. Brrr!
I love the change of seasons.
I have travelled to other parts of the country that don't have season-change(mostly the south and south-west) and i did not like it.
I actually felt trapped in a matrix of some sort.
Everyday the sun was out blazing a clear blue sky- oh, i do have a thing aganist the sun in the morning,and especially that bright summer sun. Oh hell i hate sun-light, or rather any kind of light for that matter first thing in the morning.(i am not a morning person, if morning could start at around 10am, sign me up! My not liking of the sun in the morning has led me to invest deeply in heavy curtains for my bedroom.

Oh yeah, so i love the season change. Winter is my favorite,a chance to wear my cute parka. Oh yeah and shovelling snow. It is my only way of getting any exercise in, coz trust me the gym was not built with me in mind. I thrive in the cold. If i could get a winter-pass to Iceland every winter. People think i'm crazy coz i'm from Africa(all that sun and dry-heat). But hey! Some of us are different and we are out there...lurking...waiting...(dramatic music!!)LOL!

On other news: I went to the movies and watched Borat. I was delighted and disgusted all at the same time.
Last time i went to see a movie, didn't see much of it. Was busy getting down with my movie date.(hey, look. I gotta have something to tell my grandkids huh? LOL!).

Then: I fell off the AA wagon-LMAO! Okay i am not much of a drinker but, weee maisha can kimbiza you at times and i need something to take the edge off (seeing that sex-with-strings-attached ain't working out like i wanted it to). I find myself, almost every other night, infront of the tube with a smirnoff ice in my hand all the while craving a stiffer drink.
And on top of all that, i have joined a Bible study- trust me when times are hard black people turn to the LORD.LOL!

Who sang that song- "I will survive?" Diana Ross?! That is my mantra till the end of the year.

And finally: Thank you to all who keep stopping by here and reading and commenting. LOVE YOU ALL!

Dis & Dat

2006-10-26T11:12:00.000-04:00
Just when i thot i was out in the clear...(insert dramatic music!)

So, my lover and i (yes i am using that term losely here, trying to drum up some exotic excitement...) we broke up. Or rather i broke-up with him, um, in my head. I mean hear me out. If i don't nip this thing in the bud- in my head- whatever i say with my mouth is null and void, because mentally i need to be fully convinced that it is over before i can actually see him and let him know.
I don't break-up over the phone. I have done it before but if the guy is a cutie and great in bed, i do it in person, just incase i may be in the mood for some good-bye loving...LOL!
It's been quite a daunting task seeing that i like him and stuff but, we both want different things and i don't feel like i can be myself and be free with him (sexually or other) when i don't exactly know how he really feels. Coz the brother could be telling me what i want to hear so that he can get himself some nookie... and like Ciara says:"Goodies are staying in the jar."

I had a celebrity spotting earlier this week: Jaheim (if you consider him a celeb). He came to a beauty shop that i had accompanied my pal to to get her hair did. Mmm... he could pass for a lugha dude any day (no offense to lunjes!). This is my second celebrity spotting in a hair shop- last time, it was Nas and boy is he a small man! Didn't recognize him at first.

And finally i am digging the music by Robin Thicke. Check him out at www.robinthicke.com/watch. I esp love his song "Lost without you"
Sing baby,sing!

Quarter life-crisis

2006-10-16T17:25:00.000-04:00

Got this in my mailbox and how true!
Enjoy!

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along
with
the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about
yourself
that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends
that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest
people you
have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most
important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that
too
and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they
are as
confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you
would be
doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going
to
have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the
same
people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they
weren't so
great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you
want
and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find
yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize
that you
have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of
what is
acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest
force
of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change
is the
enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon
realize
that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing
to
do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such
damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone
decent
enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone
else
too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a
bad
person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting
wasted
and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk
with
your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for
yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd
just
like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are
in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can
to
figure this whole thing out.

Mmmm?!!

2006-09-27T11:14:00.000-04:00
1)As anyone noticed that there's a shortage of black actors on this years Fall line-up of shows? And they are being replaced by guys with Brit accents? Wssup with dat?!

2)Now that "Big-twin-sister-in-my-head" Toni Childs has left Girlfriends, i don't care much for the show.

3)Is it me or is Jay Z more of an insecure rapper than a savvy business man. Since being prez of Def Jam he has screwed over New York based rappers in favor of southern rappers. Is he scared the competition is too stiff in the NYC? Soutern rappers are good, don't get me wrong. But they can never be the King of New York. Same way a New York rapper can never be King of the South. For you Jay fans out there, i am not hating but think about it:
a) Nas's album has been pushed back more times than i can count.
b) He is not promoting any other rapper who is on the label(like a CEO should) instead he is in Monaco making videos for his album.
c) I thot he retired, why he need another album and a tour for? Who is watching the home front? (Def Jam).

4) Prisonbreak is about to give me a cardiac...the drama is too intense...aiii!!

5) I love Justice, it's like Law&Order on speed.

6) Don't you just love Dateline's: To catch a Predator? Those men just crack me up. I love they way they always say that it was their first time talking to a minor online despite sending photos of their genitals.

7) Why do those Top Model girls look like trannies on a Friday morning after a hard nights'work? Just tore up from the floor up?!!

8) Is Sunday back to being your favorite day of the week (like mine) now that Football season is back?

Rewind that

2006-09-22T15:30:00.000-04:00
I got this from a good pal of mine and it made my day.
Enjoy!

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead;
just get it right out of the way.

You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better everyday.

You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
day.

You work the next 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're "generally" promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.

After High School, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play
or nap all day, you have no responsibilities.

You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.

Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries
like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap, larger living
quarters everyday ... and then .............
you finish off as an orgasm!

It would HAVE to be better that way ... because this getting old really
... just sucks!!!!!

For those who care...

2006-09-16T13:14:00.000-04:00
Before this blog dies a slow and painful death; like Bobby and Whitney's marriage, I had to jump in.

Lots going on. Kwa ufupi here's the low-down:

I am back on the diet wagon. I unceremoniously fell off and landed on the freeway. Got up, dusted myself off and pushed the wagon into the nearby ditch. It's been 3 weeks since I have been seriously back on the wagon and I gotta say, it's working out well for me. I have lost a good amount of weight and I am quite happy with myself for sticking to the diet and exercise plan. Here's the skinny on my getting back on track: I am secretly trying to go back to the weight I had when I first came to this country, many moons ago. That and the fact that you can never be too thin or too rich.

Went back to school for that over-talked about, my-inheritance-depends-on-it 2nd degree. The only reason I keep showing up for class is because there's a dreading song that keeps playing over and over in my head: .Someni Vijana, ongezeni pia bidii, Mwisho wa kusoma, mtapata kazi nzuri sana." WTH?!! Whose is the guy who wrote that track? He should be found out and put back in school!!

Then I started messing with a certain guy...*sigh*. Actually, he has been trying to derail me from my chastity walk...ashindwe!! There's is mad, crazy sexual attraction between us. Lucky for us most of our friends are oblivious to what's going on. It's soo clande...
We have had several make-out sessions...all I can say is: mmm,mmm, mmm good!(and I ain't talking about Campbell Soup). The brother is highly skilled. His kisses makes me melt. His touch makes me yearn for more, and his tongue...well lets just say cloud nine has nothing on me! LOL!
Sadly, I have to end all this fooling around because I am more for a relationship while he wants relations. Gone are the days when I was 20, young, dumb and playing around was all that. Been there, done that got the badges, scars and the t-shirt too. Now, not anymore. I'm grown and I have a different perspective on relationships. It's all or nothing for me and he can't give me that right now.

So, there you have it. This chic is mighty busy juggling fighting temptations, a weight-scale and textbooks. I am silently praying for that Thanksgiving break...

Honesty, still the best policy

2006-08-27T13:26:00.000-04:00
I was watching Primetime last week and they were talking about "AIDS in the Black Community". By the time the show ended I was ticked off.

It's a known fact that despite the fact that Blacks are only 13% of the population, they account for 50% of infected persons in the whole country.

Whenever people talk about AIDS it's always seen as an 'African disease'. Celebs pack their LV bags, get on a private jet and then come over to the supposed "black continent" and tell us to use protection bla bla bla and then come back to their mansions feeling like they have done their duty to mankind- (brownie points with God?!, dunno.)

It was quite interesting to see how very little leaders in this country know about AIDS in their own back yard (Vice-president included).

What was sad in the documentary is how Black men have become such misogynists. The most infected and affected people are young black women between the ages of 25-45.

Why are they getting infected at such a higher rate? Well one of the reasons offered ,apart from using tainted drug needles, was heterosexual relations with men who were are practicing the down-low lifestyle.
They interviewed several men who are gay, bisexual and straight. One of them said that he knew that he had AIDS as a result of his gay lifestyle but still went ahead and infected his wife of 16 years, who had no knowledge of his status. He said that she was so mad at him after she found out that she refused to take medication.

There were other several sad stories with the same theme: Women infected by their husbands and boyfriends who engaged in alternative lifestyles.

I know that there are several things that are against the black man in America: black on black violence that has gotten out of hand, unemployment,imprisonment,lack of education, etc.
But you would think that will all these things against him, black men would at least be honest about their sexuality. I know most guys say that carrying a condom to go have sex with another guy is admitting to yourself that you are gay, so they would rather put themselves (and their families) in harms way by having unprotected sex. What rubbish?!!

What's frightening is that you now can't tell who is gay or on the down-low. People think that the typical gay man is the flaming queen, over-accessorised, probably wearing a overly tight cut-up shirt while rolling his eyes at you saying:"Girl, that dress is fierce honey." Nope. Those are the ones who are free with their sexuality and have already come out of the closet. Plenty of closet gays range from your local mechanic, bankers to highly paid rappers, movie-stars and athletes in every genre of sports...

I know that women also have to be proactive: getting tested, using protection. But I have seen chicks dropped their panties at the drop of a hat for a certain guy who has been eyeing them for a while. Even worse, for musicians and pro-ballers just because they got passes to the V-I-P section in a club and were kickin' it with them. Yes those people have a very larger than life presence about them but, do you know where or who's been with from the last town?! Style-up ladies! He may be all that and a bag but, once you get infected (and it doesn't have to be H-I-V), he is definitely not going to be there with you "kickin' it" talking about taking meds.

My stand on this is that you are responsible for your own well-being. You can't trust anybody within or without your life. People are becoming more and more wicked by the day. Plus the usual get tested regularly, use protection and be honest with the one you share your bed with.

It's not just an African Problem as certain people would have you believe, it's a global issue. It's time we stopped being quiet about this disease and openly talked about it. I know as Africans, we shun talking about anything pertaining to sex and that's why it's killing more and more of our people.
How many of us are honest enough to reveal our status to our partners or even go and get tested together?
Quit sweeping everything under the rug and saying that it's a disease for gays and prostitutes, coz it ain't.

Have you Ever...

2006-08-20T14:40:00.000-04:00
...Been in a situation where you break up with someone of the opposite sex and you were not actually going out in the first place?

A few weeks ago at a party...

I was sitting outside with a few friends and a not-so-sober pal who was upchucking her meal of the day. Minding my own business, this guy approaches me and starts small talk. He was well presented and seemed to know how to hold a strait conversation. He was clearly much different from the rest of the guys in the party- who were too drunk to afford manners. The talk was going on well until he whips out his cell phone and proceeds to ask for my number.
Now I have a policy about giving out my digits, "Don't call me, I'll call you."

I tried to weasel my way out of giving out my number but he was soo instant that it was getting embarrassing. I didn't have my phone with me coz my purse was big enough to hold a stick of gum and lipgloss. So I told him to write down his number and I will call him but, he wouldn't have it.
Finally, I caved in and he punched in my numbers and then proceeds to call the number to make sure it's not the number to the local police station. When he hears my voice mail he hangs up and then smiles at me and says, "You can now save my number."
I give him a weak smile.

After a few moments of awkward silence... I decide to head back indoors and retrieve my other pal who is clearly having himself a jolly ol' time and tell him that I'm leaving. Unbeknownst to me, the 'guy with my number' is hot on my trails asking me who am I looking for with such gusto. I murmur something to the effect of, "a good friend I came with."
I meet my friend who gets he is clearly looking upset after I brief him that not only am I leaving but that I need him to direct me out of this place (coz God knows which part of the world we were in).
The 'guy' is still following me like a lost puppy and it's beginning to get on my last nerves. He seemed to get upset if any other guys talked to me. How do I know that? Well he seems to appear in the midst of every chat I was having with any guy. Now y'all know that when Kenyans are saying bye to each other, no matter the occasion whether it's a party or at the bus-stop, the process takes about an hour or so. I'm doing my goodbye laps and he is clicking at my heels. So very annoying!
When he sees that I am on my way out, he also states that he too is on his way out and would like to walk me to my car, which I politely refuse. I mean WTH?!!I don't know you like that for you to be giving me a push to my mots (LOL). I will take my chances with the patrolling cops around the neighborhood.

Twenty minutes later, I am still on the road and the only thing keeping me awake is some random radio station I tuned to that is playing Contemporary Christian Rock music.
Ring ring goes my phone.
The number looks strange:

"Hello" I say with a bored voice.
"Hey Kelitu. It's H. I was calling to see if you had gotten home already."
"Nah, still on the road."
"So can we meet today, for lunch or a drink?"
It was about 3am.
"Uhh, I don't think that will be possible. I have other things to do."
"Oh, you know I am just sitting here thinking about you. There something special about you. I would like to spend some time with you. Your the 1st Kenyan chic who I have met that is different." He says. Apparently mamas from his country of origin (South of the Jamhuri border) happen not to have that certain 'Je n'ai ce quas?!' 'cuse me french.

*Thoughts running thru my head when he said this* "Okay, WTH?!! What are you now? A freaking talent agent?! Spending 10 minutes talking with me doesn't define who I am. And who says I wanna spend time with you?"

So I decided to put this guy out of his misery and proceed to inform him that I am seeing someone. To which he asks."Is he Kenyan?"
WTH?!! Kwani I can't date a non-kenyan?
"Actually, he is not Kenyan?" I reply.
"Oh okay, coz even me, I'm seeing someone too." he says.
"Oh and she is okay with you seeing other people?" I ask
"Well, we are kinda going thru a rough patch." he says.

Boy oh boy, if I had a nickel for everytime I have heard that line...mmm, mmm, mmm.

"Look, if you recall I did not want to give you my number in the beginning because of this but you kept insisting. I don't want you getting any ideas that anything could happen."

Silence on the other end of the phone.

"Look H I gotta go, I am about to hit a drop zone and my phone will disconnect. So good nite."
"Okay, Kelitu. Good nite."

I almost threw my phone out the window in disgust...Where is a prepaid phone when you need one?

The next day, H keeps calling my phone non-stop. I'm at a house party and I clearly don't have time to be dealing with his stories.

The following week was a repeat of the weekend, him calling non-stop using different numbers. Finally by the end of the week, he pages me and I return the call steaming.

"Hey Kelitu. You are so hard to get hold off."
"Yeah well, I'm a busy person."
"So the weekend is here, can we meet?"
"Look H. I told you, I'm seeing someone and I don't think that it would be right to do that behind his back."
"Why don't I call you after work..."
"No, there's nothing that you would tell me that would change my mind." I interject before he is done,
"No please, let me call you..."
"No please don't call me." I respond. "Good Bye."

I felt bad that it came to this. I was feeling soo drained dealing with him. But I wasn't feeling him like that. Did I lead in on? But how? Talking about work related issues is a come-on nowadays?

I did not hear from him for several days, then he pops up again. Calls and leaves some sobby message that I should call him back and stuff...arrghh!! Okay that's one character that is not good on a man who is trying to score with me. If I'm not feeling you. I think you have to be intelligent enough to read in between the lines. I don't have to spell everything out to you.
Hopefully H will lose my number sometime soon coz I'd hate to have to read him out.

Yeah for me!

2006-08-18T15:33:00.000-04:00

It's been 6 months of blogging and I have been enjoying myself thoroughly.

I know people wait till 12 months roll on by before they celebrate a blog anniversary but knowing me this is feels like 2 years.

I am not a born writer (like Acolyte- kwani you have secret stash of Popeye's spinach?).

I prefer chatting face to face. Like to read peoples' facial emotions.

One thing I have come to like about blogging is the being 'annoymous' part. That way I can spew crap and non-crap without fear of someone I know going like "Geez Kelitu, kumbe you felt like that?!"
Y'all know how judgmental Kenyans be...
Then I have to start defending myself to my Pastor about having issues...uh-uh!

As I look forward to 6 more months, I hope to Acolyte will send me some of his secret stash so that I can be dropping new entries like flies. If not, oh well at least write a book about it- i'll buy it, photocopy and return.

3 Cheers for me and thank you to the KBW familia that has dropped by and said something. Auuu! I feel loved.

Now I'm off to the new Spanish restaurant near diggz for Kuku porno (yes you heard right...they grill that kuku to perfection...as E-Sir would say. 'Si usare.") Woi!
Fab weekend everyone.

Random...

2006-08-11T14:31:00.000-04:00
So it's s slow, extremely slow Friday. Nothing to do in the office other than play solitaire (the bosses are away)...hurray!!

Random thots of the day:

So if you had plans of snatching up Beyonce's man, think again. Beyonce will scream in your ear and give you a headache- (well she is from the 'burbs of Houston and so cannot hold her own in a cat fight). Bey is slamming her mini-me Rihanna (aka Rihyonce)on her song 'Ring the Alarm' or so insiders say. I don't know why she is complaining because compe ni compe roho safi. Her mantra is that she will not leave her man(who is a certified playboy) because he buys her things. WTH?!! You will stay with a dog coz you don't want the next chic to end up wearing a chincilla coat?? (Thank God for the agriculture classes i had in primary school, i can skin the rabbit myself and make that damn coat!). Plus Bey ain't that much of an angel herself. I say, let them duke it out and may the best blonde weave...ahem, girl win!

Oprah is still trying to convince everyone and herself that she is strait. LOL! Oprah please!! Trying to attach Steadman to your side with crazy-glue ain't gonna make us beleivers. Your tales are legendary!!

So Diddy is a daddy for the 3rd time running. Only this time it's a baby girl. The person i feel sorry for is Kim Porter who is such a doormat for that man, it's amazing how she is able to walk upright. It was worse when he dumped her for a public affair with J-Lo and went on to make 2 songs about her after they broke-up, then he goes on and has a kid with some chick...DAMN!! That's gotta hurt.

Once in a while i will tune to Capitalfm and get to know what's all going on in the motherland. I gotta say, that station has changed alot...and not for the best. The presenters hardly have any personality. Has someone ever told them that it's radio and not tv so we can't see them?! So the personality has to be on point so that the listeners can get the picture in their minds. First off those accents they have on? They have got to go. WTH?!! It's not British nor American. Who coaches those people?! I miss those days of Phil, Zain, Bob and Jo. Now that was some good radio. You would laugh your heart out and enjoy some good music. Now i will pay them $20 just to keep quiet and play music non-stop.

On my way to the bank today, i came across a fatal accident. The guy had been on a bike-with no helmet- and he had been hit from the back and was lying dead on the side of the road. I got shivers when i saw that. I feel sorry for his family. Be safe out there people, you only have one life.

After hanging out in the office for 3 hours staring into space, it's finally time to go home!!! Enjoy your weekend.

Being Real

2006-08-08T19:18:00.000-04:00
At what point in the relationship do you unveil your real self?

Well that was the question asked on a talk radio show. The host said that she can pretend to be someone else for about 7 months before dropping the act. A bunch of people called in and gave different views ranging from 3 months to the second after you get married/ have a baby.

I don't have a clear cut answer for that. All i know is that aat this point in my life, pulling an act is waaaaay overboard for me. Yeah it was cute when i was 20 and trying to impress a certain bloke, but now...hell to the nah!! I am what i am and if you don't like it, well honey, keep it moving.

Don't get me wrong, i wont cuss you out or show up for the date with rollers on my head, a mud pack on my face and a nightgown. Nah! I'm get cleaned up and act right but, i will be strait up with you, no clowning.

If i don't like mountain climbing, i will let you know before you set me up on a trek to Nandi hills.
I don't get it when chicks/ guys pretend to like something the other person likes so as not to 'rock the boat' early in the relationship and then later on when they are married and stuff, they drop the ball that they were just doing it to please you. Arrghhh! The hell...??!!

I know you have to be accomodating and all that in the begining and it's always good to try new things. But if i know that in my heart of hearts i vowed never to eat calamari (that's squid for those of you about to reach for the dictonary). And trying to take me to a fancy four star French/Italian restaurant doesn't mean i will change my mind about it. Uh-uh, pass me the fried chicken and the hot sauce please!

Another part of being real that was discussed is farting...yes and men let it be known that:
1) Don't try to defend your fart, it does stink!!
2) No, i am not going to fart infront of you as pay back.
3) No , i don't believe that the last fart you did just ponyokad (slipped out)while you were holding it in.

Of course the men who called in had no problem whatsoever with their reckless farting all over the place.

It's bad enuff trying to enter a bathroom 5 minutes after a man has been in there for almost a lifetime, but having you farting at every opportunity you get when we are chilling coz im now your babe and we cool like that(plus the fact that you will be blaming those tacos and burritos you ate at lunch) ain't gonna fly with me.
Don't be messing up my sofa or bedsheets...eeeww!!
My opinion is if you gotta do it do it in the bathroom or when you are in your own space. Don't try to choke me to death with your toxic nerve gas release all the while singing for me the Jah rule/ J-Lo song: "I'm real."

Lights out

2006-07-22T12:42:00.000-04:00
It's been a steam bath the last couple of days. So when my trusted weather man (insert Nguata Francis or the hilarious adaptation of Shariff Nasir by redykyulass) said that we were expecting some showers, boy was i glad. Little did i know what would transpire as a result of having been running around my teepee like the Red Indidan that i am, praying for rain.

I had the day off. So i spent it the best way i know how...in bed. I slept and finally dragged myself out at around noon. It was already sizzling outside so even my plans to go to the bank were but on the back burner. After brunch which consisted of cereal, i went back to bed...again.
Hunger pangs finally got the best of me plus i wanted to save on electricity so i left the house at around 3pm. I was already disappointed with the weather forecast. I had been hoping that the rain would have started so that it could cool off. I dropped by the local library- for a read as well as enjoy their free a/c while at it.
Not long after it started raining and i just don't mean, a little sprinkle here and there, it was wicked weather.

After the weather finally subsided i head back home. I gotta say i never thought i would ever experience this in a country that brags about being a 1st world: powert had gone out. It was still early so i thot to myself, this wont last the lights will be back in about 30 minutes.

1 hour later...

Still no power.

It started to rain...again and i decided, "Why not take a nap after all it was still early and by the time i wake up the power will be back."

I woke up at 9pm and the power was still not restored.

I went into a slight panic...

I found out that i had forgotten all my "Power outage survival skills" that i had when i was back in Jamhuri.
I had no torch, matches, lighter, tilly lamp and the only candle i have is a scented one.
I hop over to my neighbor with my scented candle and ask for matches. I asked what's going on with the power, coz trust me these people have no patience- you know someone on the block had called the police station, the power company, 311 and 411. Something to do with the storm knocking out a transformer bla bla bla and the kicker was that they would restore power at around 4.23am, i know AM!! WT...H?!!
It's a Friday people, there may not be anything worth flipping or setting TiVo for (Kaggz) but darn it i needs my electricity, even if i will be using it to watch C-SPAN.

I head back to the house and decide to make most out of it. On my coffee table is a Ludlum that i had started reading last September but never got round to finishing it. So here i am holding the book over my Yankee Candle trying my best to get my read on. After about an hour i can't take it. I go for a ride, to see just how bad this power crisis is and would you know, it's only 2 blocks that are in the dark. Now i'm envious of the rest of the people with power. I don't know them, but i feel like making a visit to their comfy, air-conditioned house and ask for a glass of cold milk.

Now your probably saying, "Si you could have gone out?" Well you see this is not like the estate back home where we would all gather outside and make plots for the evening. Most of the people here tend to keep to themselves, well unless you live in the projects where Nay-nay and 'em will be outside on the steps yelling and cussing people out.
Plus, holding the candle jar over my closet looking for something cute to wear- that will probably need some ironing- was not exactly thrilling and it feels like 85 degrees in the room.
So i decide to fish for my phone and call somebody- okay anybody at this point- and just like in those crazy horror movies, my phone needs to be recharged (i have 2 bars left!) After a call here and there checking out on people i have spoken to in months, my phone dies in the middle of a conversation! I turn it back on and try calling back and it clearly tells me "Battery needs recharging" and goes off again. The car charger is the only one that would work right about now and i can't dare venture outside with that lighting flashing like paparazzi cameras. Uh-uh i am not going down toasted.

Next plan of action...sleep.
With the help of my trusted candle i look for a sleep aid, coz at this point my body is tired of sleep and i have to lure it down. The only entertainment i have is my CD man- thank God for small mercies, it actually had batteries in it.I look around for my "We are the world headphones". After i saw that report on i-pods and going deaf, the bigger the headphones the better.

Finally fell asleep 2 hours later and for some strange reason i wake up at 3:52am expecting to find power back on...nada!

The power was finally restored at around 11am this morning.

I honestly felt like life had come to an end just because i did not have electricity. Could this be the effects of being too westernized?

So my question to you is if you live abroad, have you ever gone thru a black-out situation and if so what did you do?

:(

2006-07-18T18:03:00.000-04:00

When will summer be over so that regular tv shows can resume?

Summer shows blow- MAJOR!! Can't stand them.

And most of all...I miss the Prison Break.

*sniff,sniff*

Things that make you go eish?!

2006-07-06T11:53:00.000-04:00
Summertime is here and you know what that means: bbqs and beach bumming non-stop.

Here's my observation on the kenyan man at a bash near you.

Disclaimer:Sorry i gotta throw the mwananchi under the bus...for now.

Having been to several Kenyan bashes, i gotta admit i tend to get this 'deja vu' all the time.
Normally i don't roll with the kenyan croud as much now as i did before.(Been there, done that and have moved one).
I still love my people, as much as they are disfunctional, haters, liars, will sleep with your partner, back-stab etc etc.
You check into the compound and you can clearly tell were your peeps are at coz the ngoma is pure genge and there's always a civilian with a loud kicheko, teeth all out, gums showing. By the time you get to the door, you are already anticipating a good time. Then you check into the crib...

The first people you meet in the living room are chicks, in small groups just chatting away. Oh, and the tv is on and on Lifetime. Which makes me wonder if a crazed gunman entered the diggz, mamaz would be 1st to be lalishwad chini for life and where are the men, pray tell? In the kitchen/ dining room area (basically where the feed or music is) huddled together holding beer bottles, looking like they were banished from the living room for life.
Yaani syke just ishas on the spot. Iz of how?

Why, o why do kenyan men never mingle with kenyan mamaz in a bash? I don't mean all but a good % just stand around looking lost, others are busy ogling you down trying to figure out what color panties you got on while others are just plain staring at ya which is mighty creepy.

You can tell the guys wanna get close but the will just keep giving you the puppy eyed look for about 4 hours until you bump into him at the 'eats table' when you are busy trying to pack your plate with kachumbari and chapo.
Now that is not the best time to approach a chick coz as much as we are trying to put tons of salad and only 1 drumstick on our plate (to show that we don't eat much). We are secretly wishing that you would step away so that we can pile on the plate and take it back to our corner.
Plus chances of me remembering your name while my eyes are feasting on a bowl of pilau are slim to none.

I am not bashing the men, please i know kenyan mamas are not a walk in the park too. Yes we stare you down, whisper something to our pal about you and giggle, roll our eyes and whatnot but hey?...it is what it is in the animal kingdom. I know its almost 2010- and we are all jam packing a KQ flight to go watch the World Cup in S.A- still, mamaz as much as we have it on and popping and doing our thing, we still want the man to make the first move. It's innate. I mean we can step up to you but then we will be branded as hussies, fast ass and whatnot, which may not be the case, but i will not delve into the small mindedness of some men. Sometimes we want to you to step up and say something...

It would greatly help if:

1)When you come up to me, be confident in your delivery. A ka-weak 'hi, what's your name' and all the while looking like you are about to shrink out of your skin is a major turn-off. Kwani you haven't eaten? you hungry or something?!

2) When you get my pals to make me come over to where y'all are so that you can get to chat me up, relax bana. I don't eat people, neither am i the FBI coming to quiz you about some incident involving narcotics. The guy is sooo tense he is tripping over his words, you don't have to unleash everything about yourself in one breath.

3) You maintain eye contact. Okay let me just tetea myself here. I suck with names big time, but i remember faces and places. If you are being shifty with your eyes, i will remember you as "nanii, the jamma with the throwback jersey, sijui he told me he is from Chi-town..."

4) You got the hint. No means no. If you are trying to throw darts and unangukia patupu, please let me be. It ain't gonna work.

5) You did not come up to me drunk as a skunk, sluring words and nyeshaing on my face, telling me to take your business card and call you tomorrow for a lunch date.
You are clearly not Micheal Power despite drinking Guinness all night long. Keep your beer breath and slury words to yourself.

Here's the kicker: when a Kenyan dude has wack game, mamaz lenga his vibe and she ends up with a foreigner (insert Naija, kenyan men arch-nemesis) and peeps get mad they are calling for your blood. It ain't our fault that their corrupt talk got us all in a tizzy. LOL! Chelewa chelewa...
I'm not saying they are better that our men, neither am i a paid spokesperson to advocating for them...

*sigh*

I guess all i'm trying to say is: kijana weka beer chini, straiten out them shoulders and act right. That's all.

Blog tagged

2006-06-27T17:12:00.000-04:00
After being tagged by Spicebear. Here goes me:

1)I am a tvnista by heart. Normaly i cram the Primetime line-up of several tv shows. That way i'm able to watch two or three shows at the same time. In this age of TiVo, i still love to watch my shows live rather than record and watch later.

2) I love to laugh. I always look for laughter in everything. When i mean laugh i don't mean those slight chuckles or nervous laughter that people have. I am talking a good hearty belly ribs-aching laugh that starts all the way from the toes. Sometimes i will remember something funny i heard or read somewhere and i will burst out laughing while i am trying to fall asleep and then i have to wake-up and sit on the bed until the episode passes otherwise i will not be able to fall asleep.

3) I can't eat without first washing the pots and pans i used to prepare the meal. There's something about dirty dishes in the sink while eating that puts me off. I do the same thing when i visit my pals. I will volunteer to wash the dishes before i sit down to eat.

4)I once trimmed my eyelashes just to get to one pesky lash that kept on getting into my eye. Boy did i look weird after that! I had to put on tons of mascara after that and wore shades thruout till they grew back. My eyes looked much larger than normal and kept feeling the wind in my eyes. Never did that again.

5) When i sleep i rotate on the bed. I first start off on my left side then turn to onto my belly, then turn to my right side and then on my back. And i do this all night.Oh and all this time i have wrapped myself like a mummy leaving only space for the nose (effects of coming from a mosquito-based area).
I also fidget for about 30-45 mins before i quiet down right after i enter bed. This usually surprises anyone who tries to share my bed.

6) When i sleep on a foreign bed i never fully fall sleep, i keep waking up evey 2 hours. I normally carry a leso to put on the pillow as a reminder of my home so as to calm my senses. If it's an impromtu sleepover, i will put the top i was wearing on the pillow as a substitute.

Just for laughs!

2006-06-17T14:45:00.000-04:00
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said - "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour!

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Alex

2006-06-06T18:26:00.000-04:00
Does one ever recover from the traumas suffered in childhood?

I don't know. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. One thing I do know is that you never forget what happened and who did it to you.

So back in the day when I was a young'un with only a lunchbox and juice bottle to my name, I had this boy in my class who in the course of 7 months caused me sooo much anguish.

His name was Alex.

Alex already had a body bigger than most boys in my class. He was scary looking too: like a young version of Busta Rhymes...I kid you not. He was a Tzdian by nationality and the worst part was that he liked me...A LOT!

You see when I was growing up then, unlike today, having a boyfriend or rather confessing your feeling about someone when you were not yet old enough to vote was unheard of, sort of taboo.

So here I am in 3rd grade and this boy is going round telling everyone in my class that I am his girlfriend. I have no clue what that word meant but I didn't like it tagged on to me esp when I had not asked in the 1st place.

At first when I heard the fununuz going round, I denied them and continued doing my coloring. Which I was pretty good at. Coloring within the lines was my specialty.
I kept on ignoring Alex's moves towards me.

1) If he was planning to talk to me during breaktime I would run off with my best friend to the girls' swings where he would not dare come close.

2) During assembly (thank God I was made a prefect after a few months so I did not have to hold hands with the boys to and from in the lines).
Alex would wait and see where I was position in the line and then come and cut the guy I was holding hands with so that it would me and him. Sometime I refused to hold his hand other times, I would give him the cuff of my sweater to hold and turn my face the other way so that I would not have to look at him.

3) During hometime I would make sure I was in a group (because I had informed a few people to be my bodyguards) LOL! That way he he would not try to zindi me home (they used to live across the street from us so which literally ruined my chances of hepaing him every single day).

This went on for about 2 semesters. The more I ingored him and tried to shake him off my trail the more persistant he became. It was soo stressful going to school knowing that Alex was going to be there. I would pray that he would fall sick and not show up...alas! He used to be among the 1st people I would see when I entered the class. I could not tell my parents about it...please that is like the least of their worries, they have hungry mouths to feed. I did not have any evidence to take to my teacher about it, I mean he wasn't shaking me for my lunch money,he wanted me for lunch! LOL!
He tried to buy me mabuyus and kashataz as a way of appeasing me but I still did not want anything to do with him.
Things came to a head one day when my one of my close friends told me that there was a picture of me in the boys bathroom with Alex doing tabia mbaya. I sprung into action so fast it would have made the Pangani Flying Squad look like retirees.
I went to the boys bathroom and lo and behold there was a stick figure of me with my name alongside it and Alexe's stick figure next to it and they had drawn a line from his genitals-or rather where they are supposed to be on a stick figure- to mine(which indicated having sex).
I got out and went and asked around if anyone saw who had drawn that picture of me. Word got back to me that it was Alex who did it and was seen in the flesh doing it during the evening recess.

I went home and cried my eyes out. I could not believe the humiliation. After a few days of being simmering in anger I finally decided to end this harassment. I went up to him and asked him if he was the one who had drawn me in the boys bathroom. He answered in the affirmative. I asked him why he did it. He had no answer. I proceeded to give him a msomo that set his ass strait. I forced him to go to the bathroom and clean up the wall where he had drawn me and apologise to me. Oh and I went to check to see if it was done. I told him to never speak to me again...Ever in class. I he needs permission to go to the bathroom (coz I was a prefect) I was never going to give him and if he dares to disobey me I will not only staki him to the class teacher but I do have an older brother that can teach him a lesson as well.

After that incident Alex kept away from me and there were no more sightings of my stick figure in any bathroom. Later on, he transferred to God know where and I was sooo happy to be left in peace that lasted for a few years until I got to 7th grade and then another boy started professing his love...

Unlike back then when only a handful of classmates knew and class would close out at 1pm with the famous tune of: "Naskia sauti, sauti ya mama, sasa ni saa sita, kwaheri mwalimu..."
This was when I was a tweenie, puberty had kicked in and we used to stay for after school classes plus the whole stream knew about it!!

Teen trauma

2006-05-26T13:00:00.000-04:00
Of all the things that traumatized me in my youth, nothing tops the list like going to shaggz. Oh, there was something about being packed like sardines and being whisked away to gishagi for the 3 hellish weeks that just made me get sick to my stomach.

You see shaggz was always our vacation destination and I don't mean going down at coast-o where at least I would spend my days swimming endlessly. Nope. I mean going to visit some nondescript grandma who lives on some slopes somewhere where the KTN signal did not reach coz, there were too many damn hills.

Yes, you can say it. I am a traitor to my roots and I am damn proud of it! Some people are turned on about going to the country side, but not me. I am a city gal thru and thru.

After years of suffering, I rounded up my siblings and told them that I was going to start a revolt concerning those trips and they had to back me up when the face-off happened. I gathered up courage and tell my parents that we will no longer be joining them on their trips to 'visit' grandma for 3 weeks. If she wants to see us, she can come to the city. Let's ust say a kamkunji was called pronto and elections were called. It was unanimous,the kids won by a landslide:no more going shaggz during the holidays. Ha! And they say being a rebel doesn't pay.

You see when we used to go to shaggz when we were younger, it was fun coz other cousins would show up and we would have tons and tons of fun. But when we hit the teenage phase (truth be told when I finally landed me a ka-boifi) going to shaagz especially after being in boarding school for like 3 months was putting a damper on my plans of some holiday loving.

Yaani the minute I checked into the diggz with my school box, I was handed my holiday itineary at the gate courtesy of our mboch. "Ati nini?" I would ask her. "Eeehh munaenda ushago Monday." she would reply grinning. Crap, so you know what that means. I have to only 3 days of being kunjwad before my exile kicks in.

Monday comes faster than I thot. Before long we are packing the car. As we are getting in, I am having an out of body experience: I imagine myself jumping out of the car onto my mom's flower bed and climbing the wall, oblivious to the cuts I am receiving from the rose bushes and the broken glass on top of the wall. I run to the front door and grab the the buglar-proof and scream out "You are not taking me alive!!!" and while I pass out "Blaze of Glory" by G'n'R is blaring in the air.

Back to reality,I meekly submit to higher authority and know it is going to be a long trip. Mom has carried her Don Moen tapes (yap we were not operating a CD player car back then). Before we even pull out she has put one in and there are 3 more tapes to go and I am having this feeling of wanting to pull out my hair one by one so that by the time we fika cucu's I am partially bald and bleeding.

I am sitting next to the window so that I can watch my life pass me by and watch the city disappear in the distance while I slowly die inside.

Halfway thru the journey, the issue of masomo pops up. Crap!

Mara we are not studying seriously, mara it's the fact that school fees is high and money is not going on trees. Then the old tale of how they would rise up everyday at 4 am, collect firewood, fetch water,milk the cows, feed the livestock and walk 100 miles to school bare-foot and still were able to be number one.
Okay so am I suppose to feel like some priviledged kid coz I am not walking bare foot to school or milking cows?

Then the convo turns to my phone habits (cell phone were only for the wealthy then)and the way I am always on the phone everytime I am home for the holidays. "You can tell everytime 'kelitu' is in town," says my dad. "The phone never stops ringing. Ile simu iko hapo ni yangu. Hata hao naokupigia simu, they are using their parents phone and running up their phone bills." My dad believe that even receiving a phone call ran up your phone bill.

This vibe will go on for about 2 hours...I am this close to opening the car door and jumping out in protest. Don Moen is still singing.

We get to a pit-stop and we are bought for lunch and all the while being told how lucky and grateful we should be coz not everyone is bought for samosaz and sodaz by their parents. It's a priviledge and that should be enough incentive to make us when we go back to school and read har and become number 1.

Back on the road again and now the topic changes to how we should not have boyfriends/ girlfriends because we might get AIDS and die like mtoto was so and so and die before reaching our potential. Haya shortly it about using drugs and how we should say no to drugs and smoking coz if we dared become addicts, we would be deserted by the side of the road and should never try to find our way back to their house.

Surely by the time we got to the village, we were sooo beaten down spiritually and morally that we were happy just to get out of the car. Grandma as usual is happy to see us and so are we. We ask if our cousins- any of them at this point- are coming down as well.
Nope they ain't.
Crap! Someone kill me now.
I pick my bag and shown my room. WTH?!
Is that a bat hanging on the corner of the room looking very comfy in the room than I would?
I want to scream out by I can't.

Here's to happy vacation.

Yeeah!!

2006-05-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

Finally, finally finally. Tyra Banks got it right. After last year's uproar, i am glad she chose to over look D's 'accent' and instead focus on her potential.
Brava.

Heeelp!

2006-05-15T18:25:00.000-04:00

Ist Encounter

2006-05-07T15:25:00.000-04:00
I have decided to blog on the first time I got slayed.

*GASP*

Please do looked shocked and clutch your pearls at the same time. What a mess it was!

So my guy at the time, after dating for a while was huku bragging to me the way he wants to slay me proper. Ati once I have him I will never go back. So after being told time and time again on how I am missing out on serious strokes, chickdee decided why not.
P/S: Kijana was too sawa with the oral stuff. Yaani my toes would curl and my nappy roots would straiten. He was t-h-a-t good.

So one day I stuad him and out of the blue I told him I want strokes all the way. Okay so I should have known by the uso wa mshangao he gave me that the slay my not be up to per. But what did I know, I was a naive girl from the slopes of Shimba hills.

I knew I was going to his crib a ka-innocent chick and coming out a full-fledged mama. Don't blame me. I had read all those Mills& Boon, Harlequins and Ecstacy Supremes, and the way those female characters were changed after strokage.Which mama doesn't want all that? Hell and it was about time coz I had heard that Jesus was coming back when the clock struck midnite in 1999...

After serious rubs, coz the dude was working me like a stripper on a pole on a Friday night. I was good, moist and ready.
I had brought my own supply of condoms,coz I was not about to get preggers after the 1st tryout.(Shout out to the pharmacy in Corner House ground floor. You still there?! One of the pharmacist there knew me on a face to face basis.Aki he knew even my favorite brand LOL!).

Brother puts on the rubber and proceeds to breaking and entering. I began to freak-out and hyper-ventilating. We had kadhaa false starts coz I was to busy babbling to even relax:

"Wait, wait. Let me catch my breath."
"Haya wait I exhale again."
"My leg is cramping, I can't feel my leg."
"Are you sure that condom is on right?"
"No I am not trying another position. I want it missionary. The way God made it to be."
"Ouch, ouch, could you be more gentle that that?"
"Ouch I did not say you get out. Work with me here."
"Okay if you take off that condom, i will slap you with it."
"Oh my God. I'm choking."

The guy was more calm that i am.

So now that strokes are about to begin. I am hoping that the following strokage effects will occur:
1)Fireworks
2)Earthmoving
3)The rapture

Instead, it was this:

...Crickets chirping...

The room was quiet and i wasn't about to break that monotony with some weird sound that sounded like a moan...hapana!
I am sooo feeling shy. Can't look at his face. I have connected with his shoulders and silently praying that this will be over soon. In the middle of strokes i go like "Could we please move to the middle of the bed coz you are banging my head aganist the wall." We silently slither to the middle of the bed.

After a few minutes, he suggests that we switch-up position.
Now I am on top.
So very awkward.
What am I going to connect with? The wall? This South-coast finest ain't about to ride this guy like a pony- unless his was Ginuwine. So i lay on him and tell him the motion is all on him.

5 Minutes later.

I get off and head over to the other side of the bed...in a daze.

Few minutes of silence pass.

He turns to me and says: "Si we go for another rao?"

I am silently dying inside and cringing...

"No thanks. I would like to get home before it's dark."
"Why what's wrong? Did you not enjoy it? Did you come?"

This is what i should have shouted at him." Oh Hell Naw!! What in the name of strokage was that?!!"

But i said this:" No.I just want to go home."

Actually i wanted to go home and douse myself in Jik.

He asks if i want to shower with him.
I decline.(The sooner i get outta here the better).
He walks me home.
I live on the other side of the estate.

He apologizes for not satisfying me.
I say it's okay: Beginners miss-luck

He offers for another try for next sato.
My eyes are rolling internally.
Saying to self:" How can i dump this guy? I love him, he is my bofie. The sex sucks. What to do?"

He gets me home.
Pecks me on the cheek.
Says bye.
I half-walk, half-run to the showers.
I am using anthing i can find: dettol, lifebouy, protex.

Called my guy-buddy and ranted like a mad mama.

What a thrill that was!!

Meanwhile...

2006-05-04T12:48:00.000-04:00
Yaani i can't blog...mathe is breathing down my neck wanting to know what i am writing on the comp, (i was going with the updating resume, lakini now she is asking why i am updating it every other day).

I got this statement from a pal..

P/S: Take it lightly

And…Men are like fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

The Visit

2006-04-29T10:16:00.000-04:00
Oh! What a crazy several days it has been. I have been soo busy running up and down trying to make her royal highness- mother- feel at home. Yes momma's in town!!

So i have turned into a 24-7 butler, cook, chauffeur, tour guide and maid. I am as tired as a runaway slave!

Mother's visit was not a surprise, actually i knew about it 3 months in advance. It wasn't until she finally arrived that it finally hit me- this ish is for real!!

What is it about parents- esp moms that make you(a grown ass man/woman) feel like an 8 year old? I have been busy putting things in and about my life in order or rather on lockdown. Let it be know that my mom is a God-fearing woman and anything remotely demonic, she is not afraid to kemea it.

Here are some of the things that have had to change drastically:
Been looking for a Christian radio station in my car radio since i am her full-time driver bila benefits. I tell you where is Waumini FM when you need it?! I am always on those non-stop hip-hop stations or listening to genge. I resulted to buying some Ron Kenoly and Don Moen CD's. Haki if one of y'all owns a Munishi CD or even tape-will take anything at this point- i highly appreciate.
My TV ADD is coming to a halt. I have 2 telis in the house but we have to sit together and watch one and she is not appreciating my channel surfing ways. "Ebu nione hiyo commercial" is her mantra now. Also i had to put a password on some channels- BET to be exact- Lord know what she would say if she saw all that booty shaking.
There are changes in the sleeping department as well. I can no longer wear something sexy to bed (sleepwear entitles a slip with no panties- love to be unrestricted). Manze i had to go buy some serious cotton pj's. I feel like a mono back in high school. WTH?! All i need is a bad mattress and pillow to match.
My weekend pleasure, going to Barnes and Nobles and reading Hustler or King Magazine is no more. I am now walking right past them and heading for the T.D Jakes section. How can one explain to one's parent what you are trying to get out of a magazine who's front cover has a heavy-bottom chick in something that would make dental floss look like a priestly robe?
Oh and forget all that self- pleasure business. Gone are the days of enjoying walking around the crib naked eating ice-cream. Or laying on the couch and getting to know myself better...Ahem! LOL!! Thank goodness i don't own a rabbit- i cannot talk myself out of that mess if she ever found one. So, i am officially operating from the shower, which is kind of hard coz boy if i miss a step, slip and fall. Nitasema nilikuwa niki-do nini?!
And no more booty calls, phone sex or sleeping out. I am going diggz strait after work- no funny business. The lady is silently keeping a timer: how long i am on the phone, what time the call came in, am i whispering and speaking in cryptic codes, asks what time i get off work every other day. I tell you this lady should have worked for the KGB...
Now before y'all paint me with the 'crazy-daughter' brush. My mom and i have taken a step back and reviewed our relationship. We no longer fight each other and she forgave me for giving her countless headaches with boys,booze and clubbing when growing up. I forgave her for the times she threw me out of the house- yes it got to that on several occasions but i refused to leave the diggz. LOL! May blog about it someday. I am no longer that wild rebellious teen- no for real though. I done grown into a very responsible lady- still a freak but responsible.
On the positive side, at least i finally have someone waiting for me after a long day's work, oh and a hot plate of cooked food (not those TV dinners that i am famous for). It's not going to be that bad, for the next few weeks. We have become very good friends and she is one person always on my corner cheering me on.
LOVE HER!!
Therefore i am willing to compromise on some things. One thing i will not be changing is my greeting. I am not switching from "hey how ya doin" to "Bwana asifiwe sana." Momma please, ebu chill and let me be.

Proud to be a mwananchi!!

2006-04-25T19:19:00.000-04:00

Blog'd

2006-04-22T10:15:00.000-04:00
Inspired by the hit show punk'd, i decided to blog someone(KBW finest- Nicholas Gichu) instead of punk them.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and is generated strictly for laughs.

Nick's real age is 32 but keeps insisting on being 27. Truth be told, mother nature has been kind to him. He is sort of a late bloomer. He could easily pass for 25 since he doesn't own much facial hair, has a scrawny looking and neither is he sporting the famous beer belly that is prevalent in his age-group buddies. It's all good for Gich boy.

So, how does he pull off the "I'm 27 years old" scam? Simple: he owns a real-fake ID. Real in that it has nick's real photo and name, fake in that it says place of birth to be Gatundu when in reality it's Machakos, but lets keep that on the DL for now.

Nick has one MAJOR obsession: Spider-man! Not just the movies and the comic books, nope it's the whole shebang. He own the spiderman mug, lunch-box (which he claims will earn in a good profit on e-bay one day), t-shirts, bed sheets (yes he does!). Anything spidey, he's got.

His obsession started at a young age. Actually right after his folks thought that he was going a little bit carried away with his then obsession: Danger Mouse. Having the t-shirt was fine, but after he started insisting on having the red telephone and hydrant props as well as miniature bombs, folks had to think fast and bought him tons of Marvel comics which he still has to date.

His room is also tricked out in the spider-man theme.He earns good cheese, but he has refused to move out of his parents esq. He moved in after coming back from college on the pretext of being a broke grad tarmarcking but 10 years later, he is in no hurry to pack up and leave. He alwasy considers himself the 'shadow-minister of security'. Making sure that the watchies do what they are supposed to, including washing his latest ride: VW Jetta-which has received the goverment's highest award for front and side crash testing, but does he say?!

Let's enter his room or "The Spider Web" as he so fondly calls it.

The walls are painted in blue and red and spiderman posters are posted all over them, except for his 'Hero's wall' where he proudly displays his Rambo, Rocky, Commando and Scarface posters.
He has his bed painted red as well and every weekend, he covers it with his Spiderman comforter.
On the ceiling, is a web-like goo which he got courtesy of Milo(who annually attends the Comic conference in Las Vegas). It also glows in the dark!
Nick likes to sport his Spider-man jump suit. It may have shrunk due to frequent washing but that does not deter him one bit. The arms may be reaching his elbows and the pants are now effecting a 'biker' look since they are up to his calves (zgwembez), but don't tell him to give it to his younger cousins, nope it's his weekend get-up. While he finishes straighting up his room, he is listening to his favourite group on his i-pod: Katitu Boys (he is a closet fan).

There's a knock on the door and enter his long long long-suffering girfriend: Njeri. She is a beatiful gal with long gorgeous hair, she works for a printing company in the city. They have been together since their 3rd year in college. Njeri has been thru it all with Nick, from the incident where he did not have enough money to pay for their dinner in a 3 -star restaurant that resulted in Nick having to stay behind to peel potaoes. To when they had to walk to the nearest bus-stop in the pouring rain after the car Nick had borrowed from his buddy-for flossing purposes only- stalled on the higway after a nite-out. Njeri has decided to kick him to the curb, but when he showed up at her doorstep the next day with a dozen roses, 2 teddy bears(one said "I'm sorry" the other "I love You") and cans of chicken soup to nurse her back to health from the chill, her heart melted and forgot the break-up speech she had been rehearsing.

"Hey Babie, wassup?!" she quips cheerily
"Nothing much, chilling." he replys and quickly forwards his i-pod playlist to Greenday.

Njeri is already come to terms that Nick will never give up his Spiderman ways, so she stopped nagging him about it.
She sits on the bed and Nick follows her and assumes the 'lounge-mode" position: back aganist the wall and feet on the egde of the bed.

"Ewww. Nick when was the last time you clipped your toe nails?! They look nasty!!" Njeri exclaims.
"Si the last time you clipped them." he replys lazily.
"Babe that was 3 months ago. Don't they bother you?"
"Nope, i'm not a chick. No one sees my toes. I am in socks all the time and besides they are not that long."
"You know i can't stand them. I will clip them."

Njeri gets up and looks for the nail-clippper and finds it where she left it 3 months ago. Picks up the newspaper -from the stack that is behind the door- and comes back to bed.
(Nick considers himself an upcoming poet and keeps old newspapers so that he can get his poetic mojo after reading the comic "Love is...")

"Aii babie, that's why i love you." Nick proclaims. "You take very good care of me."
"Mmmh- hmmm." Njeri replys.
"I'm serious babe. Were it not for you, i don't know where i would be." He then proceeds to belt out his favourite tune"Coz you are deadly, shapely, sexy, especially..."

Njeri smiles and continues clipping away. "Hey babie, you know jana i went for Betty bridal shower and it was off the chain."

Warning bell go off in Nick head: Danger danger!

Njeri goes on for about 5 minutes talking about the bridal shower. "...so babe when do you think we can get married?"
"Eh?!" Nick asks. "Babe, si we are like married?"
"No i mean, the whole thing, i want to be married in a church, white dress, cake and my cucu's have to sing for me in the background."

Silence

"Oh i see you don't want to marry me eh? All this time i have been wasting here with you!" Njeri is close to tears.
"Sweetie, it's not like that. Of course i will marry you. It's just that us jammaz don't view marriage the same way you chick do. We are very analytical. K has to remain constant while the other variables change..."
"Now what nonsense is that your saying. Are you trying to talk your way out of a commitment? Njeri angrily asks. "Coz i was watching this show and it got me thinking..."
"Babie, Babie, babie." Nick quickly jumps in."I told you not to listen to Oprah's advice, she has refused to marry Steadman."
"I am not talking about Oprah, Nick." Njeri snaps back.
"Sawa not Oprah, but Tyra is no better either, she is a supermodel. What does she know about marriage?"
Njeri sighs."Not it's not Tyra either."
"Then which show is this that has you soo upset babie" he asks with a puzzled look on his face."
Njeri turns to Nick and says slowly." The Bachelor."
Nick bursts out laughing." Babe, the bachelor is a fake show. Don't beleive anything they do."
"But it's a reality show. How can it be fake?"
"Coz those guys never marry any of the chicks they choose. Aiii babie, wacha mambo ya rose-giving ceremony. I am the real deal"

Njeri sighs.

Nick quickly changes the topic. "Babe did i tell you i won the Kaybee awards for the coolest blog."
"Ati what?!"Who is this KB? Is she a chick? Coz if she is the reason you don't want to marry me, i swear i will leave you!!" Njeri states with a dead look in her eyes.

Noticing that he has let out a major secret about his personal life. Nick quickly retracts his statement.

"Babe Kaybee are these awards we have at jobo for jammaz. So they awarded me with the coolest dude award"
"So what did they give you?" she asks
"Nothing really" he replies "Just the title."
"Let me get this strait, you won an award and you got nothing to show for it?" she asks
"Babe it's the title that counts." Nick says.

Njeri bursts out laughing.

'Don't laugh, i'm cool. And to show you how cool i am, i'm going to take you to that new joint in town and everything is on me." Nick says boastfully.
"Sawa, let's go."

After a quick jump in the shower. Nick appears all refreshed and energized.

When they pull off the drive way, Njeri looks at Nick and says."Honestly i do not know why i'm still in love with you."
"I know why." Nick replies confidently.
"Oh yeah. Why?"
Nick breaks out into a song." Megarider-aaaa. I gotta a megarider-aaa."

Holiday Nostalgia

2006-04-18T18:06:00.000-04:00
I have absolutely nothing to report about this past Easter. Holidays up here really don't count as much. It was just like any other weekend to me, only difference was that i got a chance to eat more than usual on Sunday.

I miss the pomp that went with sikukuu's back in the day(when i was in primo), all the cooking, chapoz, kuku choma. The kreti za soda that my bro or uncle would bring, ( i swear it use to be like the 2nd coming of Christ) what a delight, i use to run for Krest!

I love the rave ...or rather used to (when i was in High school and campus)...trust me i used to count how many 'Super-souls' there were in a year and i would jipanga how i was going to convince my mum to let me go out. You see my mum did not believe in the rave (it was the devil's den according to her). So if she allowed me to go out on Friday, she did not see the importance of going out on Saturday. She would ask "Kwani ni music gani hii inchezwa uko hakushiba jana?!" So i had to get slick with her. Ooh and that thing of going to relaz so that we could eventually head out never worked in our home. If relaz are going to be visited it will be during the day. Mum had this thing of wanting to be informed in advance that you wanted to go out over the weekend, so that she could come up with a reason as to why you shouldn't go (i swear i ponyokad writing a thesis as to why i would want to rave...). So i had to go all hard on her. I would shower, dress up and let her know that i was going to carnivore (the only rave she knew) when in fact i was going the opposite direction.

All those lies we used to tell each other when we were doing our KCSE ati, "I'm under Yusuf..." I guess that was our Kenyan version of saying, "I'm grown." LMAO! Hey, we had to do what we needed to do...

One of the craziest super-soul i have EVER had was one that fell the same day as my birthday. I hooked up with my cousins,(for once in my life my folks allowed me to go for a 'sleep-over' we begged for about 2 weeks, we had to promise that we were not going to the rave...thank goodness no-one pulled out a Bible to swear upon).

Saturday, we hit out the club scene. Of course i was using the line"It's my Birthday!" So i was getting free drinks or as people like to say...kupewa lol! Before long a particular guy caught my eye (and what they say about women looking pretty after 2am and a dozen drinks later defiantely applied to this guy). We started flirting with each other. I stepped up to him (coz i'm bold like that, plus drunk as a skunk) told him i was digging him and would like to go check him out... So here i am, busy nibbling his ear and his girlfriend was seated next to him!! I know i know, my drunk ass ponyokad a beat-down either that or she was also on the down-low as well, coz she wasn't at all bothered with me being there.

I told the guy to meet me outside. Fifteen minutes later the dude appeared and we got to rubbing shamelessly at the door of the club (okay kids stay away from drugs). We took off and went behind a car and as we continued kissing i noticed he kept putting his fingers(the fore-fingers) into my ears...i'm like WTH?! Is that supposed to turn me on?! I kept removing his fingers but he would still go back...argghh!!
So in the heat of passion, i tell him to unleash what he is packing...DAMN!!! That was the SMALLEST penis i have ever encountered!! I had to do a double take...WTH?!! Anyway he was already out and i was like mmh...haijalishi...lemme proceed. (I know, alcohol is a mother) . He did not last long (thank God) that and plus i couldn't feel nothing. Then he goes like he wants to go down on me...HELL NAW!! I blew him off and told him it wasn't that important. So he goes like "Si we hook up tomorrow in carni then i will come with protection and we can hit the skins...?" I was like, "Sawa" and we went back inside.

Come Sunday when we headed off to carni, i had completely forgotten about the pint-sized guy, (please i was in such a haze the night before who would have remembered?). I hooked up with my pals who were busy buying shots outside. So after knocking back several sambuca shots, my head was in the right space. As i was stumbling along i got grabbed from behind...ala it's the dude from the previous night. He is like sooo excited to see me and he goes like, "I left my gal at home and i came with condoms. I am all set". I was like, "So?! I am not in the mood man."
"But i told my chick to stay home so that i could be with you?"
"Ha, tough luck buddy, i gotta go." I then proceeded to holla at a pal who was across the lawn, yaani those village hollaz "Psst, psst nanio...you! is of how?!" Left the guy mataa.

I was thinking that i shook the guy off...wapi? He was hunting for me the whole night, up to a point where i was busy ducking and weaving when i went outside. Finally he caught up with me, holding me around the waist and trying to kiss me and whatnot. I was soooo not feeling him at this point and since i had a drink in my hand i poured it on his back. He was sooo shocked he could not come up with an epithet.I walked away without looking back(yes it's by God's grace he did not wipe his shirt with my face).

I went back to my cousins and decided i was better off hanging out with them, incase beef breaks-out i was in good hands.

As fate would have it...or rather slap me one in the face, I did meet up with the guy...yes i did... in broad daylight!! I tried to hide but it was those streets where it was just the two of us approaching each other from opposite directions and turning around would look kaudu suspicious. I said greeted him and chatted a bit (I was suprised he remembered me). He wanted another date, uh-uh! I wasn't about to do THAT rematch, he is better off with his chick.lol!

Aaah! The joys & perils of Holiday drinking back in the day...nothing like it i tell you, nothing like it!

Dirty talk

2006-04-12T14:27:00.000-04:00
Does talking dirty turn you on?

I know a few people who get turned on when their significant other talk nasty to them either before or during intercourse.

I don't mind dirty talk, not that it turns me on...naahh. I just wanna hear how your game flows. I had this guy who's best line he could come up with was, "I'mma f**k you like a rabbit." lol!(Yes this was during sex). Yaani i bursted out laughing and he got mad ati i wanted him to make a fool of himself... kijana you are doing a good job all by yourself! We ended breaking up, maybe i shouldn't have laughed all the time we got together after incident, but i could not help myself.

There a limit to the amount of dirty words you can dish out during sex. I am not a fan of guys who break out in the B-word, S-word and swearing like a sailor. WTH?! And don't give me that lie that you can't climax until you spit out a cuss word...I am not having you insult me with my ass buck-naked in mid-air. At least wait till the did is done...ala!

So if your talk skills are not that good, it always helps to be polite.

Be nice and compliment me(you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that mamaz love being complimented). It does a woman good to be told that she is more beautiful when naked.
Be realistic. Don't comparing my ass to Beyonce's...gimme a break!!You might talk yourself out of some ass.
I'm not a fan of being katiwad in swa. And worse dirty talk in swa...WTH?! Before you break out into that famous tune "Kiswahili kitukuzwe, kwani ni lugha ya taifa..." I love swahili, but in a regular conversation type of setting. When it comes to bedroom dialogue, oh hell to the naw!!. I mean what do you want me to break out in, a thong or a kamusi?!
Seriously, i'm not knocking off your hassle if your from coast or TZ. Your probably good at your game. But man, if you is from the city with shaky swa, you better hush up and let your tongue do the talking.
I did a little translation of a few words and it had me running to the hills in laughter. Here are my top 5
5. I love it when you give me head- "Ninapenda unaponipa kichwa" Huh?. Kwani ni kichwa ya mbuzi.
4. Turn around i want to see that ass- "Geuka ningependa kutazama hilo tako."
3. I want to hit that from the back- "Nataka kukububuta kutoka kwa nyuma"
2. Spank me - "Ni charaze" LOL!
1. Oh Yes Yes. I'm coming, i'm coming - "Na'am na'am. Naja najaaaa"
I'm just saying, swa should be left alone in the classroom.

Woman

2006-04-10T11:55:00.000-04:00
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who Always makes her Laugh... And one Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhoodMay not have been Perfect...
but; Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and Wouldn't Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone... even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go..
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in:
a day...
A month...
And a year.

21 Questions...not literally

2006-04-06T12:10:00.000-04:00
Musically Speaking...

Why can't Eminem stay married to his baby mama?

Can Mary J Blige stick to singing and never try to rap again... ever?

Is Hov still retiring from the game?

Isn't JadaKiss the most under rated rapper in the game?

Can Keisha Coles outsing Beyonce?

Isn't the Wu the greatest clan ever?

Who lied to Jada Pinkett-Smith that she could pass for a rocker chic?

What in Karuiki's name happened to Ja Rule?

Is R. Kelly still coming out of the closet ama the lock has jammed?

Is it safe for the fugees to get back together?

Isn't Kci (Kci &Jojo) the poster child of the harmful effects of madawa ya kulevya?

Can somebody please give Michelle Williams(Destiny's Child) a bagel with cream cheese?

Isn't GGGG the most over rated unit ever?

Why do all D4L songs have the same beat?

Is Usher still in the confession box?

What happened to Diddy's gal group from 'Making the band 3'?

Does Dave Chappelle do a better impersonation on lil' Jon than lil' Jon himself?

Are the Pussycat Dolls America's lame answer to the Spice Girls 10 years later?

Isn't 'Tical 2000-Judgement Day', one of the best album's ever made?

What's up with Lil' Kim's lips? Was she bee stung?

Doesn't that song 'Grillz' just stick in your head after hearing it about 20 times in one day?

Who's the real King of the South?

Are you fresh azimiz?

Tv Fast Break

2006-04-06T00:22:00.000-04:00
So,

Who is Ryan Seacrest trying to fool with that Mountain Man beard, trying to act 'strait'? Child please we know your preference.
Can Oprah give us fresh shows? I am soooo tried of the re-runs.
Speaking of talk shows, why is the Tyra show still on?
Is Katie Couric that powerful? She annouced her departure from the 'Today' show and that had an effect on Wall Street? I mean WTH?!
Have Star Jones and Joy Baher made up yet? I love a good daytime catfight.
Isn't Deal or No deal a very sophicticated version of 'money or the box'? Only now it's money in the box?
What the hell is going on in Survivor? I fell off the bandwagon after the 1st episode.
When is 'Being Bobby Brown' coming back?! I miss the Browns...

Of things aeronautical

2006-04-01T12:20:00.000-05:00
I am seriously thinking about starting a savings account that will eventually enable me to buy my own private jet.

I was flying El Cheapo airlines to my vacation spot and i am tired of it. Between the overpriced airfares and gazillion stop-overs, the madness (of public travel) has to come to an end... soon.

Here's the deal:

I bought my ticket over the phone, coz i don't trust buying a ticket online. I love to manipulate the time and whatnot to suit me. So when i got to the check-in counter at the airport, i wanted to upgrade my seat. Turns out i have to pay about $35 and up just to switch seats (from coach to business class). I mean what is soooo fancy about business class anyway?!... So what if the seat is slightly bigger and the flight attendants more friendly, you will all arrive at the same time with the rest of the coach folk. Right?

So off i go to look for my seat,(nooo i was not all the way back with the lavatories) found it, buckled up and i'm ready to get this vacation on and poppin'! My excitement started to wane when we were told by the Captain that we are on hold coz apparently there's some sort of air traffic bla bla bla and so here i am strapped down in a 2x4 seat, legs are beginning to cramp and i can't stand up and stretch coz, as per the flight attendant's message;" If you stand up we will be taken to the back of the air traffic line.' To kill the boredom, we are given headsets and told to tune in to the satelite radio they have installed and enjoy. No, there was no tv/ movie to keep us entertained (the price you pay for cheap airlines).

After 45 minutes, we finally take off and the attendants come round with those pathetic tiny packs of pretzels and a cup of soda...yes a cup. You'd think after being detained on the ground for a while they would pacify us by giving everyone a whole soda can...again el cheapo. Now if i had my own plane, i would be served a club sandwich and a glass of bubbly.

I am not going to knock off the satelite radio thing, the music was quite goood, especially the channel that plays only '90s music, Heavy D and Soul 4 Real did take me back to those friday nights when carnivore was the place to be and doing the shuffle was a hit. Bliss. Got me thinking, "Maybe i should get it for my car..."
My thoughts are quickly cut short when the Captain comes on and says that due to the delay during take off, those passengers who had connecting flights might miss them. I did not want to hear that coz i was one of those people with a connecting flight. I started imagining myself stranded at the airport over night cold, no bed, hungry...

It had happened before you know. I was on a connecting flight that was passing thru Heathrow Aiport and when i got there, my flight plans had been changed without warning. Everything from departure time to which aiport i was suppose to land in. Let me tell you, i did look homeless sleeping on those seats with my purse as a makeshift pillow. I am 1/2 qk so i quickly took out my money from my purse and put in in the front pocket of my dungarees (i wasn't about to be put in the poor house just coz i was effecting the look) and proceeded to sleep for about 5 hours. That was then and i was not about to go thru THAT again.

We landed at the same time my other flight was suppose to be leaving and even before the Captain to come to a complete stop, i was about to drop (yes, the mathree way) from the plane. Fortunately, the passengers who were not connecting were kind enough to let us leave first. Paul Tergat has nothing on me, i stopped to draw breath until i got to the gate.
When i got to there, it was closing. Lucky me the plane was waiting for people (yes like a mathree...the 'lazima ijae' policy was in full effect).

After the mathree was packed to capcity. I found myself sitting next to this large woman who apparently taking showers was something foreign. She was killing me with her funky odor which, seemed to be coming from every pore of her body. Again, this is not something you will experience in the luxury of your own plane. I took out my leso (yes, i carry one when i travel) and proceeded to cover myself my face and faced the window, pretending to sleep.I was really trying not to get nauseated for the rest of my 4 hour flight.

At last, we landed and i was glad. I had began to lose sensation in my limbs. I quickly dash to the baggage claim area, thinking things are moving chap chap. Alas, i was there for about 30 minutes, just posing and waiting for my luggage to appear. And why pray tell, do strange men think that the baggage area is a pick up spot?! Dude, the last thing i need is to be chatted up when it's an insanely hour of the night, i'm pained from jet-lag and time loss, plus the fact that you are soooo not my type! So please let me be or i will be forced to use mace!

Come Monday, i'm off to see my financial advisor. We need to work something out...fast!

I'm Baaaaccck!!

2006-03-30T18:45:00.000-05:00
Hey, Hey, Hey!

Missed me?! Coz i did you!!

Okay, i tried. I was tooo busy having soo much fun i kinda, sorta forgot that i had a blog to tend to.

*slap on the wrist* I have been a bad bad gal.

So while i sort out my laundry (coz a sista does have piles and piles of it) and try and finish last weeks deadlines, nibble on this.

I will be back with the drama that went down...

Spring Fever

2006-03-16T11:54:00.000-05:00
In my head Spring had already sprung and not a minute too soon.

So i have a fabolous vacation lined up(yes!) and i can't wait to kick back and get some well deserved R&R. I promise no booze this time (i need to have memories of what happens when i go away).

I may lurk around the blogsphere, see what all's ya doing.

Blind Date Saga

2006-03-12T15:57:00.000-05:00
The dating scene is both a frightening and exciting place. Exciting because you get exposed to different kinds of people. Frightening because sometimes the people we meet are just plain ol' scary.

Blind dating is just another thing all together. I have been to several of these and "Oh! the horror!" Here's one of them:

After coming out of a long term relationship, I decided to get on the dating bandwagon and become a serial dater. I turned to some of my pals who were pros in the dating scene. Before long, I was being hooked up left and right. I had a strict rule, the guys should not be in any kind of relationship and not psychos(yes I have been stalked several times and let's just say it wasn't pretty. The Kenyan Police force should open up a stalking division, but till then prayer works).

One of my pals was trying to sell this guy on me for months. When i had given them my list of demands, she swore that the guy was the one.
So we met up in town with my pal and hooked up with the guy in some joint on Koinange Street. (Okay the street during the day, wasn't as notorious as it is at night). When we entered the cafe, and she intoduced us, my heart sank. I don't care what people say, physical appearance is a must. The guy had unkempt hair, smoker lips, and my biggest turn off, long fingernails...urghh just nasty!! I tried my best to be pleasant while my mind wanted me to take off running.
After a bit of chit chat, we decided to ALL (coz i wasn't about to go ANYWHERE alone with this guy) go out on Saturday night.
Come Sato night my pal showed up looking all pretty, i on the other hand did not even try to go out of my way to spruce up. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lighter(i anticipated a long night), ID and some cash. I have never been a fan of carry a whole tote bag to the night scene, You know what they say, "Travel light, travel far".
In my head i am thinking that we are going to the hottest club that was on and popping then, K1. Instead of heading towards the Parklands area, the cabbie heads on to Forest Road."Kwani where are we going?" I asked my pal. "Oh we are going to pick up the guy, at some joint then we will go klubbing."

Now i should have listened to my conscience and knew that this was not going to be a good 'date' when we got out of the cab at some joint that was playing qk music in full blast and happened to spot one of my lecturers getting his drink on. But no i was trying to be a good sport and go with the flow.
The guy flagged us down, (yes those mathree styles) and we headed to where he was, a table full of other much older gentlemen and few mamaz who had seen better days. They were having a wedding committee meeting. I am quickly shown my seat(next to the guy if course, i quickly ignore that and sit next to my pal across the table from him). Drinks are brought chap chap together with nyam chom. I opt out of the meat deal and slowly sip my reds, praying that this would be over fast.

2 hours later...

The meeting ends and just in time because i was about to start pulling out my hair, one strand at a time. I straighten up and take in a deep breath. The guy asks where we want to go and in unison my pal and i reply "Klub House!" Is that a sigh i hear coming from him? Followed by a bit of mumbling under his breath? Oh well, i don't care.I'm going dancing so he can sigh all he wants.
We jump into his car and i am beaming ear to ear. Even before we pull out of the parking lot, i am quickly thinking who among my pals would be there---
My thots are quickly cut short when we pull up at Roasters. I turn to my pal with a puzzled look. She turns to him and asks what's up. The guy says something to the effect that he has to meet a business buddy, etc, we will only be there a few minutes.
So now i'm getting pissed because i was not informed before hand about all this mini stops we were going to make. I stiffly get out of the car and we go table hunting with my pal who is trying to soothe me. The guy tells us to order drinks and promises to be back soon. I need something strong, so i order 2 vodka shots and gulp them without a second thought, and order some more. I reach into my coat pocket and find my pack...It's about damn time! 1 cigarette, 2, 3, i mean i am burning thru these babies like am about to receive an award. One of the guys we rode with, grabs the pack out of my hand(ati out of concern). My pal sees the "imma kill this f*cker if he doesn't give me back my stuff" look, and tells him to give them back. " Why are you chain smoking like this?" he asks. "Coz if i don't, i may end up killing someone." I leer back at him. "You don't have to be soo mad," He replys. "Oh, really, here i am freezing to death in this godforsaken place and my plans for a fun filled night are dashed and you are telling me not to get mad?"
"Leave my friend alone, let her smoke." my pals finally interjects beacasue she knew that it if he did not stop pestering me it was going to become an all out war.

After 45 mins the guy comes back, smiling and whistling the lingala tune being played by the live band. My pal whispers something to him as soon as he sits down and I'm thinking' "okay we are about to leave." The guy instead orders a beer and tried to give me words of wisdom about being patient. So, now my eyes are doing backflips in their sockets, is this guy for real?! I swear were it not for the fact that that place was away from civilization, i would have walked home in protest.

We finally get up to leave, now i am not even talking coz i am thinking how i have wasted a perfect night trying to impress this goon. My pal is the one doing the talking now. Once we get on the highway, i loosen up because i am seeing the cigarette light at the end of the tunnel. "It's not too late, we will still make it."
We get to the junction and the guy, who is obviously the driver says that we have to drop off the other guy in South C. My mind went,"$#%@?!"

The guy gets dropped off at his crib and we make a turn back on the higway. Now, you know the night is over when you hear the mwadhini calling people for early morning prayer. I turn to my pal and tell her that i would rather if they dropped me off at home. Oh no! The guy wants to make good on his word to take us klubbing, by the time we get there, the place is closing and i had to convince the bouncer that all i wanted to do was use the bathroom. The guy then decides to try to make is up to me and we head to the nearest pub and buy drinks so that we can go and chill at his crib.

When we get to his place, he tries to pacify my with some psychological ish trying to loosen me up (yes, he was hoping to score, the nerve!). I grab my drink and the TV remote and flip channels and block him out of my ears. My pal who is clearly drunk sits on his lap and before long they are checking each others tonsils...(yeah...i was speechless too). They head off to the guys room where the moaning goes on for about 30 minutes.

They finally appeared and i quickly grabbed my coat and headed for the door, the guy got the hint and knew that i had enough of his BS. When we pulled up to the driveway, i jumped out of the car before he could make a complete stop, unlocked the gate and ran into the house. (Did not bother with pleasantries at this point).

My pal did call me a few hours later and tried to explain the night's events. I did not need any of that mess explained okay, i was there when it all went down. I quickly brushed it off and told her that it would be a good idea if we just forget the whole thing.

You would think that i would have given up on blind date thing after that fiasco? No. I was out there yet again, meeting people that would make me question their sanity as well as mine .

With friends like these...

2006-03-08T15:43:00.000-05:00
We all have them. This one friend who annoys the crap out of you. Even today you still are trying to figure out why or rather how you became friends, but the answer eludes you. This friend is the one who shows up at your door announced and recks havoc on your personal space, leaving your serene environs looking like a sceen out of the pages of CSI- minus the yellow tape.

I had this dear friend(i call her dear because were it not for the love of God and the fear of jail-time, i would have strangled her long ago). I beleive she was a test in my life, coz she pushed my patience to the limit everytime she stopped by to "visit".

She always dropped by on a Saturday afternoon, when i just planned to take it easy and plop myself on the couch and watch mindless tv. How she use to know i was home is still a mystery (maybe she had me bugged).
She never came in quietly, nooo she announced her presence from the parking lot. She would be talking loudly on her phone and barged in without knocking.

"Hey gal, wssup!"
"Hey." my lame reply.
"Wssup, kwani your sick?" she asked.
"No, just bored and sleepy."
"Wee, i'll call you back." she would tell whoever on the phone with her.
"So what's for lunch?" she would ask as she made her way to the kitchen, dropping her purse on the seat.
"I ain't got no food." I replied.
"What about this mchele in the container?"
"That's my dinner, i have no plans to cook tonite."
"Sawa, si we buy pizza, i see you have coupons?" she would ask.
"Nah, i'm not in the mood for pizza."
I hear cabinet doors opening and closing and glasses clinking. She is pouring juice as she whistles away some tune.
(Yelling from the kitchen) "Heh, where did you buy this coookies from?"
"The store next to jobo." I muttered.
"Si, you buy for me and than i will pay you back?" She asked.
"Well if you give me $6 iw ill definately get you some."

She finally appears with her hands full.

"Please get a coaster from the kitchen, i just vaccumed the carpet." I said.
"What movie is that?"she asks as she returns.
"I have no clue, i found is going on." I replied.
"Ebu finya the info button so that i can see the name."
Lazily I oblige.
"Aaah, this movie is sawa. I have seen it before." she quips.
"Don't spoil for me the ending." i quickly retort.

With no warning she gets up and heads to my bedroom. Shortly i heard drawers opening and closing.
I yell at her,"Girl what the hell are you looking for?"
She comes out carrying my new purchase, "Where did you get this parfum from?"
"Some guy bought it." I lie
She sniffs it and sprays herself. "Mmmh he has nice taste. Do i know him?"
"Nope"
"What's his name?"
Quickly thinking of a name she doesn't know. "Kevin."
"Is he kenyan?" She asks
"Nope."
Seeing that she is not going to be able to extract more information about 'Kevin' from me, she heads back to the room.
Her cell rings, her boyfriend. She begins to explain the parfum i have to him and tries to coax him into getting it for her.
She heads off to the bathroom and opens my medicine cabinet and shuffle stuff around as she continues yapping away on the phone.
"Gal i gotta go, my mano is taking me to the movies." she says smiling.
"That's nice." I reply. (whispering) Thank God!
"Oh i need to pee." she says as she turns back and goes again to the bathroom.
She comes out with 2 of my latest bathrooom reads. "I'll bring back your mags kesho." she says as she heads for the front door.
Before i have time to object, she slams the door.
I run to the door, open and yell back at her, "Don't forget!"
"I won't." she replies. Waving her hand at me without even looking back.

Dang was that a visit? So i head back inside and make sure i lock the door and put the chain on it for good measure.

This went on for a while until i finally moved out and went far far away from her. I know i know she was a pain and i did put up with her mess, she was a fun chick to hang out with, when she wasn't going thru my stuff.

Ugh

2006-03-05T19:17:00.000-05:00
The Grammys are on tonite-- i mean the Oscars. Same difference.*yawn*

It's just another showcasing episode of overrated, oversexed, overexposed nitwits receiving accolades for mindless work of art(insert brokeback mountain). I mean what is the big thrill over 2 men digging each others derriere? Hasn't this being going on since the days of Lot? What's the new fad, that they are cowboys?what?!

So the "stars" have finally crawled out of their cocaine-binges, sex-orgies and druken stupors to parade their well oiled, snatched back,lipod and botoxed bodies, coiffed hairdos and $1000+ veneers smiles to sadly remind us why they are overpaid to have a fabulous life while we, (joe q public) shell out $10 to watch them on the big screen are at home, in our pj's, eating yesterday's cold pizza.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in giving credit where it's due, but do we need 20+ shows to boost celebz egos?! I can understand for the movies-Oscar, for music-Grammy, for daytimetv-Emmy. Why pray tell, do we need the Golden globes, Teen choice award, Peoples choice Award, BET Awards, AMA, VMA, RMA, Mtv Awards, NAACP Image Awards, Soul Train Awards, Vibe Awards, Source Awards,...eh someone give me a hand, i'm under a pile of trophies and i'm begging to lose feeling in my legs!

It's insane and someone should put a stop to this madness!!
Dr. Phil should have a show that deals with self esteem give free advice to these weirdos.

What's even worse is the post award shows that go on for about 2weeks. It's unbearable. Entertainment shows clamoring for your attention with catch phrases like: "What you did not see during the show", "behind the scenes scoop only we have", "the fashion, the bling", "what the winner revealed", what you did not know about..." argghhh gimme a break!! It's just the same old crap shot from a different angle.

So while these so called "stars" pretend to look shocked that they won, get on the podium, cry crocodile tears, thank "god", their momma and the agent they slept with to get the script and later receive an insane high-end gift bag worth $50K and above, i'll be in my jammies, knocking back drinks watching demented comedy on the other tv station.

Random Facts

2006-03-02T11:50:00.000-05:00
Did you know...

That more babies are born in the month of September than any other month?

That the ear has nine muscles?

That 5% of people dream in color?

That if you weight 120 pounds on earth, you weigh 20 pounds on the moon?

That each of us have an odor that is unique like our fingerprints?

That the thrill of kissing comes from smelling unique odors of another's face?

That women have a keaner sense of smell than men?

That a melcryptovestimentaphiliac is someone who compulsively steals ladies underwear?

Diet Diary

2006-02-25T18:38:00.000-05:00
So, i'm on this strungi (black tea) diet. I drink about 4 or more cups of strungi daily,(it's a good appetite suppressant you know).

Why am i dieting you may ask? Oh, sooo many reasons, not enough time. Well mainly because i'm vain like that.

Here's the deal, i have wedding to go to(sadly it ain't mine) :-( and since i got my invitation last month, i have been dieting like crazy to lose a couple of pounds. I heard thru the grapevine (aka my perpetually dieting galfriend) that the protein diet is good, so instead of slaving over a hot stove cooking fish, steak and chicken everynight, i went out and bought protein shake.(Look, it's the best i could come up with on short notice).

I have been gulping that shake like i in need to go into rehab (is it so delicious, i can't seem to put it down. Is this how addictions start?) I then discovered that it makes me go to the bathroom a lot! Boy oh boy, i have been in my bathroom so many times,that it got me thinking... "i need to makeover this joint!" I am a clueless kind of chick when it comes to makeover stuff. Don't get me wrong i can srew in a mean bulb, fix a leak and whatnot but when it comes to redecorating, i am as blank as a sheet of paper. So, if any one of you has the warm line to Nate Berkus...let a sista know.

So, back to my diet, i'm doing well with the strungi as well as the protein shake. I have cut down on eating a lot of junk food (coz i'm practically known in some take-away spots).
I wanted to add that extra kick to my diet and since i happen to have a deadly allergy to the gym, i have picked up walking (only during the weekends). So i prance around from block to block pretending to look busy or for a sale. I once tried to walk about in my winter boots (in my head i was going for the stair master effect) and lets just say it was not a pretty sight when i got home (um, i think the 31/2 inch heel was a little to much for the task).
Therefore, i decided to be a reasonable person and went and bought ...Oh My Goodness...flats! I know i know,even i was shocked by the purchase,but everyone needs a fair chance once in a while. And guess what? I LOVE THEM!! I mean the comfort, the ease, i may be closer to the ground than before but who cares, i got my feet smiling and all thatgood stuff. Yeeii!

I have lost some weight,phew! about 5 pounds. My heart rate is pretty good, I don't heave as much as i use to and i can easily catch my breath when i do a flight of steps. Hooray!

The wedding is still a ways off, which is good coz i get to lose a bit more, (i promise not to go for the Nichole Richie look) about 10 more pounds and promise to look my best at the event. You know i heard that there are good catches at weddings, mmhhh?!. Don't give me the screw face, yes i am doing it for brothers as well, is that sooo bad?!

TV Fan

2006-02-23T20:52:00.000-05:00
Okay, so i know a few people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, i on the other hand was born with a tv remote in mine.

I know there are a lot of tv fans out there, i mean with reality shows at an all time high...It not hard to imagine. But i mean i watch tv... i dissect, inspect and suspect the boob tube to a tee.

Hi! My name is Kelitu and i am a Tvnista by heart! A tvnista (coined from fashionista) is someone who is up and current on the latest tv shows(drama, reality and comedy) having a knowledge of future episodes yet to air and can fairly critic any current show.

Trust me i did not pick up this habit the other day when i moved across the Atlantic, this is an age-old tradition born and breed back in the former "City in the Sun" when we only had 2 Tv stations. I mean i loved KBC as much as the next guy, but c'mon! Thank God when KTN came about, all flashy and whatnot and shanurad City folk. I tell you their female presenters looked sooo pretty,bright and poised. I used to say, "When i grow up i want to be like Catherine Kasavuli." KBC on the other hand had the gorgeous Ann Ofula (who in my opinion should have moved to greener pastures loong time ago). But the rest of the girls looked a bit dusty.

So that was when the flipping channel thingi started. Trust me there was no greater thrill than flipping between Vioja Mahakamani and Style with Elsa Klench. I could easily tell you about the fall gowns of Bill Blass and the defense strategy that the mshtakiwa (usually it was tamaa bin tamaa always caught up in some crazy drama) will be using, all in one sentence.

It was an all out war for the tv remote in our house, esp between my younger siblings and I.(it's an Alpha female thing). So we fought, clawed and eyeballed each other just to get the clicker. It was sooo bad, that when i use to go to the bathroom i would go with the remote, incase one of my sibs had plans of a coup d'etat while i was away. It got sooo bad, that my parents eventually bought their own teli and left us fight amongst ourselves with the old one downstairs. Needless to say, i was the reigning champ.

When i finally left the nest, i guess i carried the habit with me. I am always channel surfing at any one time, even when i am watching the news. I gotta see who is going to get to the meat of the story before i begin to dose off. My pals can't watch any tv shows with me coz they are always complaning about my flip-flip action, ati they can't follow the story. LOL! Sorry but i can't just watch one show from start to finish plus the commercials...i will go batty!!
I have been told to buy another TV set so that i can watch 2 shows at once... nope i don't want to, i love the thrill of using one remote(is isn't that the reason, why the remote comes fully equiped?!) and no i don't have time for tivo as well. I am a here and now chick. I may record it but i don't think i will end up watching, coz once the vibe hits the water cooler, it ain't hot no more.

The most flipping i have ever done, was one Friday evening (bored to death and with no nite-out plans). I decided to watch 4 shows that were all airing at the same hour on 4 different channels. I was doing pretty well coz apparently i have noticed that nearly all tv stations run commercials almost at the same time. But then a srew up occurred, (2 of the shows i was watching were about aliens), so when i was over here browsing the investigative report going on, some sh*t happened on one of the alien show, and safe to say i go lost, i could back track on the tivo but then i would have to it for the other 3. So, i lost one show and the other alien thing was moving soo slow it lost me well... then i got pived and completely lost track of another show(it was a movie, i can't even recall). By the time the hour was done i felt pretty bummed and very exhausted(this is hard work you know).I had nothing to share with my other tvnistas the next day. I finally realised that my limit is 3 shows and one of them has to be a reality show, that way i can pace myself.

So, next time you are juggling 2 or more shows, remember i am there with ya!